Vid-iots

Videorama

2010-08-10T16:02:00.000-07:00

I don't work here anymore.

xoxo

Satisfaction

2010-08-09T15:21:00.000-07:00

Well, tomorrow is my last day at Videorama so I made a sign to let everyone know that I won't be here for much longer.

Considering our printer is from 1994, I'd say this sign turned out pretty well. (I did [obviously] go over the words with a Sharpie though.) I feel like being extremely lazy today so I'm just tumblring, drinking multiple Red Bulls and listening to Paul Simon all day. SUCK IT CHRIS! ;]

xoxo

The Maid

2010-08-05T19:10:00.000-07:00

I walk into work today only to find the biggest fucking mess I've ever seen in my entire life. It literally looked like a military obstacle course. It was a Labrynth! I'm all about order and cleanliness so when I saw the piles among piles of movies on the floor I damn near had a panic attack. 1, because of the mayhem and A, because I was the one who was expected to clean and organize the whole shebang. (It sucks being so reliable.) My manager decided he wanted to expand the blu-ray section to an entire wall instead of 4 or 5 racks. To do this he had to take a few hundred movies from off the shelves and now I'm in the process of making them all either catalog titles or sell through movies. (And here I was thinking my last 4 days of work were going to be work free!) The whole thing was definately more chaotic than it should have been, a well thought out plan poorly executed. I'm not over reacting about the mess either!

PROOF OF MESS

I immediately sat my ass down on the grimy floor and got to work. A short forty five minutes later I had finished arranging the unkempt stacks into systematically thought out piles.

(Why are guys so untidy?! Except my ex boyfriend, clean freak! But in a good way.) Now I just have to make the piles disappear! How much money would you like to wager that Brian isn't going to participate AT ALL in helping out with this project..

Ontop of actually having to work today I managed to flash a child. I'm wearing a sleeveless maxi dress and in an attempt to get up to help a customer, I stood up from my sitting position and accidently stepped on the bottom of my dress and the top got pulled down to my waist. All in a day's work my friends.

xoxo

The Facebook Job

2010-08-02T13:22:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure how much this has to do with Videorama, other than the fact that I found out about it while I was at work.. but I need to fucking vent. So here it goes..

I was at work, trying to buy this cute little Olive colored rayon ruffle dress online. 50% off. BOOM! But as I kept trying to click "PURCHASE" the order wouldn't go through. I'm almost always a frugal bitch so I KNEW I had enough money in my account to buy it. (It was a MUST own type of dress, one that I'll never own now) I go onto my online bank account just to make sure.. see if there are any purchases pending, something that might hold up my account.. AND WHAT DO YOU KNOW! Some phantom faggot has just purchased $200 worth of Facebook credits. WHAT THE WHAT!! OF ALL THE THINGS TO BUY WITH STOLEN MONEY!!!!! If I had two hundred extra dollars you can bet your fat cellulite ass that I'd buy those black Jeffrey Campbell 'Charli-C' cloggs (Size 9) I've been eyeing for the past 3 months.

I was so shocked and scared that I wouldn't get that money back that I puked up my Redbull all over the floor. (That would make this the 3rd consecutive day I've puked at work. Thank you very much.) I immediately emailed Facebook saying WHAT THE FUCK YOU FUCKING NERDS?! I WANT MY MONEY BACK AND I WANT IT NOW! I've got bundles of Plan-B to buy! Rite Aid jacked the price a few months ago, so you knowww those life savers aint cheap. After emailing those jack offs I closed up my work and ran to my bank (thank god it's only a block away) I run in, go to the nearest clerk and yell "HELP! I'VE BEEN ROBBED!" Of course I wasn't thinking rationally at the time, and I'm sure "I need some assistance with some fraudulant activity on my account please" would have been a better thing to blurt out but stealing my money is some serious business. Especially since I rarely have any, and ESPECIALLY since I'm moving in a week and need that money for the drive down to California.

They froze my account, ordered me a new card and told me to "come back tomorrow." Uhhh.. why?! Apparently the money is all pending so they can't do anything until it goes through. Ohh, so you mean you can't do anything until the money is literally taken out of my account?! Wouldn't it be easier to just stop the transaction from going through?! The Dude said that I would get my money back, it was all just a matter of time (matter of time being 10 to 14 days.) Well, that's all fine and dandy but I'm moving on the 12th and I'm gonna need that money back right about yesterday.

Now I'm back at work obviously, and I'm assuming some other poor little girl in my position would be crying right about now.. and I just might have if I wasn't the least surprised that this fucking happened to me. When my first customer of the day was literally on fucking meth I knew today was going to be interesting. I'll keep 'you' posted on all my financial woes.

And incase you feel really bad for me, and would like to cheer me up.. BUY ME!

xoxo

The Hungover

2010-08-01T12:32:00.000-07:00

On an average, only 2 people come into this store during the first hour that we're open. (Open noon to 10:58pm EVERYDAY) So it only makes sense that the one day I'm hungover (And not the, oh 'sick is me' type of hungover.. the 'puke up water, dry heave when nothing is left in the stomach' hungover.) 3 people come in within the first 5 minutes. And OF COURSE, 2 of the 3 people wanted to sign up to be 'members.' I literally had to excuse myself from helping a customer so I could run to the bathroom and projectile vomit all over the toilet. Thank god it's only been liquid.

These past few months I've cut waaaay back on drinking. Like, drink only on Saturdays and even then only 2 or 3 beers. But the fact that I'm moving soon makes people want to hang out with me (of course they didn't want to hang out before they knew I was moving.) And "hanging out" to most people means going out to drink until 2:30 in the morning and making 19 year old baby momma strippers put their boobs in my face (and almost my mouth.) FINE. I'll go out and drink with you, but only if I'm not paying! Which lately happens to be the case. (BLAMO!)

But when I move (in 11 days!) you are NOT going to find me going out to bars. And NOT because I don't think there actually even are bars in Pismo, but because I can't handle the hangovers anymore. If I have more than 2 beers, you will definately find me in the bathroom puking my liver out. As fun as it sounds and as skinny as it's making me look, I'm OVER IT. I might as well be preggo, I've already got the morning sickness down to a T.

This is my Hangover Helper Kit but it's not working like it used to.

xoxo

P.S. I'm getting really annoyed at how "cool" Shark Week is getting. Fuck off people! Shark Week has ALWAYS been cool! You just only recently started watching it so you never knew! And SINCE you only started watching it (presumably because other people do and you want to try and fit in because you're a big dikey loser!) you don't deserve to watch it! Go back to watching Jersey Shore nerds!

Life

2010-07-25T18:05:00.000-07:00

xoxo

Smiley Face

2010-07-25T14:26:00.000-07:00

Friday night, last customer of the night.. "Find me a good movie and I'll give you a present."

Well, I found the guy TWO good French horror movies and what I got in return?.. A perfectly rolled joint. I've had many conversations with this customer (we're even friends on Facebook, doh!) so I wasn't surprised at all that this is what he gave me.

I had planned on going out to Matador that night to hang out with one of my ex flings, so I told my new favorite customer to wait a bit so we could grab a beer on the way. He stood outside for 10 minutes while I closed up shop and then we went to Le Happy for a quick drink and some friendly conversation. (He's actually very familiar with Pismo Beach [where I'm from/moving back to] so we actually had shit to talk about. No awkward silences!) I didn't light up the joint while I was with him (rude?) because after I smoke weed my brain pretty much shuts down, and I had a long night ahead of me (and I'd already popped a valium).. so I saved it. For last night!

BLAMO! I smoked that doobie so hard last night and I GOT SO FUCKING HIGH. Usually when I smoke, I eat a lot of peanut butter and then pass out. Well last night I was able to put in a movie (Old School) and watch a majority of it. I was so stoned I convinced myself that Will Ferrell completed his scenes infront of a green screen. I got 'laugh at unfunny shit' high. I still have about half an inch of that joint left and I'm going to smoke it ALL tonight. BEST. WEED. EVER.

xoxo

xXx

2010-07-23T18:34:00.000-07:00

Watching porn at work is sooo hard to do here. Especially since there's a window right behind the computer so people walking by outside can look in and see what I'm doing online.

Well today I tried watching this n00dz video a friend sent me (he said he thought it was me at first) so I just had to watch it. And in all honesty.. this 'emo chick getting fucked on webcam' DOES look like me. A LOT.

And of course the first scene is some dude eating out this twin of mine. And OF COURSE my computer freezes at that exact moment and a wave of people walk by outside. I had to throw my body across my computer like I was blocking it from a Bullitt. I wasn't able to close the screen for a good 3 minutes. I did try and watch some more bits and pieces of it though.. and daaaaamn, that girl GETS IT! (And gives it)

NSFW! Incase you're interested in what I probably look like blowjobbing someone..

xoxo

Errry Day I'm Tumblr'in

2010-07-21T22:12:00.000-07:00

I got a Tumblr for the inbetween.

http://www.murderanda.tumblr.com/

xoxo

Just Around The River Bend

2010-07-18T12:53:00.000-07:00

I should have looked once more.

Yesterday my best friend Allie woke me up to a text "We're going to go float down the river. So wake up." (I had planned on laying in bed all day and watching movies, but I decided to agree to do something different.) We go buy beer and Mike's Hard Lemonade (her beverage of choice) and then head to the river. We brought everything we needed, life jackets, Sunblock [spf 80!] a cooler, sunglasses and a rape whistle. It was my very first time floating down the river (I'm afraid crocodiles are going to eat me so I never go more than eyeBALL deep. Thanks Lake Placid!) To my surprise it's extremely fun. There were some rapids which freaked me out but turns out they're actually exciting to go over. Except, somehow we always managed to get shot strait to the side where all the trees/branches were.

An hour into it we see our first group of people. Six guys actually. We 'tried' to paddle away from them but we accidently got too close. (Close enough to see if they were cute or not.) We all trade glances and then float on (alright. already.) then I hear "HEY! Do you work at Videorama?!" I would just like to point out that I am on a raft, in the middle of the river, 35 miles away from my work. And I STILL manage to run into a customer. I tried to get their name so I could look them up at work but by that time we were too far away to hear. Half an hour later I have to pee so we pull up onto a little island in the middle of the river, I pee in it, then bend over to get back in the raft and I hear six loud guys scream "NICE ASS!! WOOHOO!!" Why thank you gentlemen. I do squats daily. At this point we're pretty much all floating together, it was the current, not our intention. A little while later our destination was in sight and the water was only waist deep so I decided to get in and swim with some of the other guys. This is where things get interesting..

I jump in, it's not that cold but the water is really fast and I couldn't really stand. I got kind of freaked out at how fast and strong the current was (and I didn't have a lifejacket on) so I decided to try and walk/swim over to Allie who at this point had dragged the raft to shore. I yelled at Allie that I couldn't stop because of the current. It was funny at first. I was laughing, she was laughing. But I really couldn't stop. Then the water got really deep and I got really scared. I couldn't really stay above the water and I started screaming. But I saw a huge slab of concrete in the water and it was only 30 feet away and people were jumping off of it so I thought "Thank god, I'll slam into that and be able to climb ontop of it." Well that couldn't have been further from what happened. Yes, I did slam into it but I didn't climb ontop of it. I got sucked under the water. Now, I'm under the water, trying to reach the top, I look up and I can see that there's about a foot of water above me. I tried swimming as hard, as fast as I possibly could to the top. The only thing I thought was "Not now, not like this." Then I realized I was about to die by drowning and I opened my mouth to welcome the water into my lungs. JUST as I had closed my eyes and given up I felt a hand pull me up and hold my head above water while the guy swam to shore. "The Guy" turned out to be an eleven year old boy named Dakota. Out of all the people that were on the shore at the time, an eleven year old was the one to jump in the water and save my life.

I still feel sick from all the river water I consumed and I still cry when I think about it (it happened YESTERDAY, and I still came to work.) I tried calling my mom and grandma to let them know what happened but my whole family is at a Family Reunion in Montana where there isn't any cell phone reception. (Ha, everyone gets back and my friend Allie has to tell them, hey guys, how was the trip? Miranda died.)

Ironic, I feel, that Friday I spent the morning in the bathtub practicing holding my breath. And then spent the afternoon at Barnes & Noble where I purchased "The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying" because I have a fear of dying.

At least now I know I want to live.

Pre Near Death Experience Photos

A lot of good those life jackets did.

xoxo

MISERy

2010-07-16T21:55:00.000-07:00

Tell Jesus THE BITCH is back!

This woman and her awkwardly tall husband started coming back into the store. They STILL have a $2 late fee they refuse to pay but I just don't want to deal with them more than I have to so I turn a blind eye. Well the HO crossed the line today.

She walks in and says "Wow, that tattoo of the flower on your arm is so pretty!" "Thanks.." "Show it to me" ..I show it to her.. "Oh, eww never mind." ..and she walks away and proceeds to tell her husband who is a whopping 12 feet away from me "At first I thought her tattoo was pretty but I looked at it closely and it has a zombie woman attached to it! Yuck."

First of all, she doesn't like zombies so she's even lamer than before. And it's a pretty zombie girl to boot! (I didn't think she could suck any harder! Although I'm sure her husband wishes she did.) AND WHO SAYS THIS OUTLOUD TO SOMEONE?! Have some tact woman!

Christ, this woman really gets to me. Whenever I see her face I just want to cut it off. I have a feeling she has a tramp stamp. And not the cool kind either.

xoxo

She obviously has no idea what she's talking about. (Why do I care so much?!)

P.S. Two guys walked into my work today and ask me to take picture of them together. (Definately a first) So I do.. then the guy turns around and takes a picture of me, says thanks and then leaves. Again, is this a flattering or insulting joke type of thing? I'm skeptical. At least if the picture shows up online I am fully clothed. (Which is more than I can say for the pictures I took this morning)

P.P.S. Mark Waddles was just in :] He knows me by name. FLIRT FLIRT FLIRT. Google the man.

Me Without You

2010-07-16T21:12:00.000-07:00

Because I can.

xoxo

Videorama's Finest

2010-07-15T18:47:00.000-07:00

Either I'm the best prank puller ever or I just think I'm the funniest person alive.

Earlier today my manager was on the phone with a customer and I walked by the computer. I immediately noticed he had been right in the middle of writing an email when he stopped to answer the phone. I didn't even bother to check to see who the email was to, I just wrote the first thing that came to mind. (Cocksucking is my life.) I pressed 'Enter' about 30 times so it would be hidden at the very bottom of the email. His back was turned at the time so he hadn't noticed a thing and I tried my hardest not to laugh. (I'm really funny and just THINK hilarious things so I tend to laugh at myself all the time.)

He Hung up the phone. The time had come, would he notice what I wrote? Would I get away with this brilliant prank? Well kids, the answer to that is YES, yes I did get away with it.

He came over to the computer, wrote one last sentence, scanned over the ENTIRE thing and hit SEND. I didn't know what to think, surely he had seen what I wrote! (No, he didn't) Fifteen seconds after he sent it I asked "Did you really just send that?!" and fell down (literally) laughing. "WHAT DID YOU DOOOO?!" (The look on his face was priceless.) He went back to the sent email and then saw what I had written. We both laughed until we cried. Then he informed me who the email was to; an old gay guy who has had the hots for my manager for over 2 years. HOW PERFECT IS THAT!!! The ONE email I choose to defile and it's to a guy who wants to put his peen in my manager's booty. He quickly wrote him another email saying "Sadly, while cocksucking is not my life, it does happen to be my coworkers (who was the one to write that.) Miranda has now been fired. Sorry to get your hopes up."

We continued to laugh for a good 10 minutes after the whole incident. Clever is me.

xoxo

The "C" Word

2010-07-14T19:51:00.000-07:00

It is official. My last day at Videorama will be August 11th 2010. (California here I come!)

Sad. I've been here since April 2008. This is the longest job I've ever had. When I told my manager I was for sure moving the first thing he said was "We have to get hammered at work together before you leave." DONE!

I shall carry on with my legacy and create a new blog after I move. I'll be going to a.. 'specialized' school in October so I have a pretty good idea what my next blog will be about :]

All in due time kids.

(Don't worry, this isn't my final entry.)

xoxo

How High

2010-07-13T13:05:00.000-07:00

Am I going to get?..

I just smoked a fatty bowl for the first time.. AT WORK (let's not kid ourselves here, I smoke the pot all the time. Hence the 5lb weight gain.) I drink and down opiates at work (like there's no tomorrow) because well, they make me seem more normal than I would otherwise. I can still function on them. I never ever smoke pot unless I'm alone in bed. Because I CAN'T function on it. I turn into a zombie and zone everyone out. (This isn't going to be good for the customers)

But I've been extremely stressed out because of the move (skoolz for foolz!) so I decided to keep weed and a pipe with me at all times. Today it came in handy. Now instead of being stressed I'm paranoid. Good choice Miranda.

I'll update any interesting "Miranda's high at work" situations throughout the day..

UPDATE: Nothing interesting happened. It was too slow. I think I gave a customer too much money, and mumbled a lot.. and devoured about 69 pounds of food. Good thing I brought beer.

xoxo

The Girl Who Couldn't Grow

2010-07-09T21:44:00.000-07:00

A few months ago I wrote that I was thinking about moving to California (ANAL PENETRATION) I decided not to go for 'numerous reasons' and when I say numerous reasons I mean there was only one thing preventing me from moving. And that was the hope of seeing my ex boyfriend one last time when he came to visit. (When will this yearning end? I'm tired of relating to Taylor Swift songs!) Well, he hasn't visited yet. And I doubt he even plans on seeing me when he does so,.. Away We Go..

I talked to my grandmother earlier today and she said she would love for me to move down to California to live with her (I can't bring Kitty though!!) and I would most likely have to enroll in school. We are going to figure out all the major/minor details tomorrow. (HOW am I going to get there?!) Road trip anyone? Gas is on me.

I'm moving because I feel stuck. I'm not growing in Portland and I don't want to be miserable and work for min. wage the rest of my life. My friend said it's a common misconception that 'changing your surroundings' will help you achieve what you think you can and hope to accomplish.. And he says that I'm also running away. Uh doiii! Even I can see that. Yes, yes I am. I am running 862 miles away. And it still feels too close.

Consider this my 1 month notice. My blog will shortly come to an end. But maybe I can start a new one? "Shit My Grandma Says?"

I'll literally be living 3 blocks from these places. How could I resist?

Stay Tuned

UPDATE: I convinced my grandmother to let me take Kitty Meow! And my friend Jesse (AKA Beats Off, [who recently moved down to California] might drive up here just to drive me back down there. Aren't road trips the best?)

xoxo

One Missed Call

2010-07-09T21:17:00.000-07:00

Think they'll OBEY?

I even laminated the fucker

Hopefully this sign prevents at least a quarter of the customers from coming up to check out while still literally in the middle of a conversation or answering their phones right in the middle of a transaction.

What do you wanna bet that someone will take this down tomorrow [because I won't be here]? ("Don't want to 'offend' the customers!") Fuck that shit.

UPDATE: Fail. Ten minutes after I put the sign on the counter a woman came up talking obnoxiously loud on her phone. She forced me to ring her up while mid conversation. (Hello phantom $3 late fee.)

PS. How sad is it (on a scale of 1 to My Ex Boyfriend Has a Relatively 'New' Girlfriend) that I really want the Eclipse soundtrack? (Leave me alone, I like the Metric song)

xoxo

Dear Diary,

2010-07-02T21:24:00.000-07:00

It's me again.

I just wanted to let all of my concerned/faithful readers know that I've decided to halt production on my second blog. For now.

I don't know what my plan was with that one, but hate fucking comes to mind when trying to describe my writing.

"Jack rabbit sex, you know, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow."

xoxo

Diary of The Dread

2010-07-02T19:54:00.000-07:00

A few things that have been irritating the shit out of me lately:

Customers farting
Customers forgetting their pin number
Customers singing along to the radio
Customers asking "what's that movie with that actress?"
Customers taking a rediculous amount of time figuring out if they want their movies for overnight or 5 days

1. I'm not kidding. People keep farting in my work. And the farts are crazy loud too. Earlier today an old dude farted sooo loud. It sounded like he pooped his pants. I wanted to try and pretend like nothing happened, but I laughed. Out loud. So THAT was awkward. And not too long ago an 84 year old woman farted too. What's up with the old people not being able to hold their farts in?! Pinch your cheeks guys! Wait until you're outside! Not only does it make this 50X50 box smell like dead bodies but it's also awkward for me. Customers probably walk in and think it's me. Not cool.

2. Earlier today I told a woman to enter her pin or "secret code" as my manager likes to call it. Her response: I never ever remember my pin. Uhh, why don't you fucking make one you WILL be able to remember then!? It's FOUR numbers. It's a PIN. The customer right after her hadn't been in to rent a movie in over 2 years and he remembered his pin.

3. There are at least 5 people a day that walk around the store singing along to the radio. What normal person does that? And it's not like these people have good voices, they have terrible voices. What inclines these people to humiliate themselves in public like this!? To me, it's the same as walking around talking to yourself. You look and sound like an idiot. Sometimes when people are singing loud I go over and turn off that radio. That'll show THEM!

4. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Someone will ask me "Hey what's that one movie that came out this year?" or a question similar to that. ("What's the movie with Helen Mirren?" "Do you have any of the Matt Damon movie in?") ARE YOU SERIOUS?! Usually I know the answer because I'm crazy smart and have a miraculous brain but still. The most annoying thing ever. (While I was typing this, a woman with stupid long fingernails came up and asked me "What's that movie with Tina Fey in it?") Sometime's I'll just give the customer the answer they're looking for, but if I'm in a particularly bad mood I'll be mean. Well, maybe not mean but I'll stick it to em. "Do you honestly expect me to answer that? You want me to give you the name of a movie you're looking for with just the actor's name? Yeah because I can read your mind and know what you're talking about. Lucky for YOU, I do know what movie you're talking about. But ONLY because I know your kind and can read you like a poorly written Miley Cyrus autobiography. (Should it still come as a surprise to me that my manager gets non stop complaints about me?)

5. Back in March the 'management' (and I use that word loosely) came up with a plan. (A poorly thought out plan.) $2 for overnight rentals and $4.99 for 5 day rentals. Now I have to ask every single customer if they want their movies for overnight or for 5 days. Sometimes the customer will already know what they want (thank god) but most of them just look at me like I'm speaking Mandarin. They will seriously stand at the counter, while a line is forming behind them, and take 5 minutes deciding what they should do. I usually tell them to take it overnight because most of the time it's cheaper for them (smart thinking Videorama) but they just can't seem to comprehend the words coming out of my mouth. (Today a dimwit made me break out a god damned calculator for him so he could figure out the cheapest way. OHMYfuckingGOD)

On a different note; I just bartered someone's $2 late fee for 2 Red Bulls. I'm that good.

xoxo

The BFG

2010-06-27T14:07:00.000-07:00

BIG FUCKING GEEK

I'd like to know the world we live in when a fellow employee who can't do his fucking job right would be the next manager if my current one quit. Not only does this guy lock up and leave the store for up to 10 minutes at a time to go get food (shouldn't you bring everything you're going to need for your shift BEFORE you come into work?!) but he also leaves movies for me to put away when I open the store in the morning. And he can't seem to remember to put our sign back inside when he closes. I would like to wager my credibility as a mean fucking bitch that he will not get reprimanded for that little incident. But of course if either Brain or I forgot to bring the sign inside, we'd get grilled. If it got stolen, I'D get fired.

And you know, I hate to say it because I love my manager to death, but I'm thinking he can get away with all of his bullshit because he's a close friend of my managers. He's blind to his faults. Communists! Both of them!

I'm starting to get so upset at the fact that this little dweeb is considered a good employee that I'm seriously thinking about quitting. Not only do I have to put up with Brain but I have to put up with this fucking deadbeat. They both give me panic attacks, and I don't think this is something I should have to put up with seeing as I don't have a prescription to valium. I'm honestly afraid they're going to be the ones (besides my ex boyfriend and his skank ass ho girlfriend [bitter much?] ) to contribute to my full on in store melt down. One day they're going to come in only to find me lying there naked on the bathroom floor. Eyes gouged out. (Self inflicted of course)

I mean, ok yes,.. I occasionally drink at work all the time but my manager smokes weed in the bathroom, so there's the justification in that. And I may read and blog at work, but everyone else does too, and yet I still find the time to put the movies away. I may not be a pitch perfect employee, but I'm the best one this fucking store has. I don't go above and beyond, but only because I don't get paid enough to want to. I've never received a raise in the 2 years that I've worked here, and I don't believe one will be granted in the forseeable future.

I'm thinking about calling them out for sexism. (Or should I play the racist card?)

There's only so much I can take, and I can't take no more!

xoxo

Unthinkable

2010-06-23T22:15:00.000-07:00

I just got the most unbelievable phone call. I actually yelled at someone over the phone. I'll just post our conversation and you can think what you want about the whole thing.

Me: Videorama
Guy: Do you have the Foo Fighters Documentary?!?
Me: Hold on, let me check..
..10 seconds go by..
Me: No we don't. Sorry
Guy: That's impossible. My friend rented it from you before.
Me: Well, I looked and nothing came up under Foo Fighters.. is that the actual title?
Guy: You work at a videostore and you don't know the title? Ugh, do you have the Marilyn Manson one then?
Me: Let. Me. Check.
..20 seconds go by..
Me: I went over and looked in the documentary section and I didn't find any documentaries under Marilyn Manson nor Foo Fighters. Sorry
Guy: DO YOU EVEN HAVE A DOCUMENTARY SECTION?!?!?
Me: Uhhh yes we do. A rather LARGE documentary section.
Guy: Well, ugh, ummm.. what about Boyz II Men?!
..I slam phone down and look..
Me: NOPE
Guy: What the fuck, it would be in the documentary section
Me: I know how to do my fucking job thank you. WE DON'T HAVE ANY DOCUMENTARIES ON ANY OF THOSE BANDS.
..he talks to friends in the background..
Guy: Peter Gabriel then?
Me: No, no Peter Gabriel either.
Guy: Whatever, I'll just have to come down and look for myself then.
Me: Please don't.

Good thing my friend had just brought me Red Robin (Whiskey River!) otherwise that would have put me in a horrible mood. How do you go from Foo Fighters to Marilyn Manson to BOYZ II MEN to Peter Gabriel. Shows you what kind of dude he is. (One that likes to yell at strangers over the phone.) He didn't talk to me, he screamed at me and spoke like I didn't know how to do my job. If there's anyone that works here that knows how to do their job and do it well, it's me. I'm pretty sure I didn't do the conversation justice. My friend was here listening to the whole thing. He'll vouch for me.

After I got off the phone with him I tripple checked the documentary section to make sure that those movies weren't there. If they were there I was going to hide them behind the counter so he wouldn't be able to rent them.

I'm hungover as hell but I could definately use a beer right about now.

xoxo

Familiar Strangers

2010-06-23T21:53:00.000-07:00

I finally created a 2nd blog.

www.mirandagoesdown.blogspot.com

Sound the horns.

xoxo

The Limits of Control

2010-06-21T13:43:00.000-07:00

I think I'm in love (I've been telling all my friends what I feel for you)

The other night an older man came in (Ohh yeahhh) My first impression was; this one might be a total asshole. But as I started creating a new account for him he started making small talk and was very nice. I was in a good mood myself (and he was cute) so I chatted with him a bit.. I noticed he was from Washington so I asked why he moved down here. Apparently he's in the midst of a divorce (Ohh yeahhh) and he's a writer (Ohh yeahhh.)

If I play my cards right with this one..

Flirt, bend over, flirt, bat eye lashes, flirt, flirt, lick lips, flirt, tilt head back and laugh, flirt.

I guess I know what I'm doing because the next thing I know he's asking me what I think of "58 year old men." (BOOM!) "Well the funny thing about that is, 58 just barely makes my 'range of acceptible ages..." Now I know what you're thinking, 58?! To be honest, he doesn't look a day over 45 and he reminds me of Sean Connery. And he doesn't have children. (Good thing too because I'm sure they'd all be at least 15 years older than me. Awwwwkward.) I'd like to know what YOU would do in the same situation. I would hope the same. After a few minutes of talking I got kind of intimidated (ME?!) and was afraid he MIGHT actually ask me out.. so I sped things up and basically kicked the guy out. Subtlety was used of course.

A few days later he came back to return the movies and we talked more and I think I made some headway. Little by little I'm getting to know the guy and my crush over the man is growing with each day. I'll keep you posted on the juicy details of my irregular love life.

On a side note: What the FUCK is up with A. The oil spill and 2. The Republican's complaints about the President going golfing

xoxo

You Can Count on Me

2010-06-13T13:22:00.000-07:00

Made for television.

The past couple days at work have been pretty drama free, surprisingly. I'm blaming it on the weather. (When the sun comes out, the children will play.) So I haven't really had anything new to write about. Well, here's a first.

I'm sitting on our one and only stool at work, reading,.. minding my own business. I'd just gotten off the phone with my grandmother and we decided that I'm going to go visit again within the next couple of months. Maybe even go on a weekend cruise. And she wants me to start coming down every three months because she's old and needs someone to take care of her. (I'm a good person, shocking.) So, my mood is, well, agreeable.

An older gentleman walks in, I greet him and continue reading.. he walks over to me and asks if I'll do him a favor. As long as it doesn't involve me having to be on my knees then I'm happy to help. Well it does. He asks me, get this.. TO TIE HIS SHOE FOR HIM. I look down at his shoes, then back up at him a few times. At this point I'm not certain he's for real. Is he for real?! Yes, yes he is. He has a cane so I'm thinking if he bends over he'll break his back, and honestly I kind of think he was more embarrassed than I was. Usually I'd be disinclined to help someone out in a situation like this, but I'm feeling generous. And the worst part is, I haven't worn shoes with laces since I was in Jr High so I wasn't even sure if I remembered the whole shoe tying process. I get on my knees, a position you'd think I'd be most comfortable in, and get down to business. After a grueling 6 seconds his shoes were successfully tied. I'm thinking if someone had walked in at that exact moment they would have seen only my bottom half and this old man's top half. Awkward at best.

I'm never going to tie someone else's shoe again.

xoxo

I Want Someone To Be Miserable With

2010-06-04T20:08:00.000-07:00

Once again I've put my rather large foot in my mouth.

Not too long ago I wrote THIS post. Right after posting it I thought "I'm sure, sometime in the not too distant future, I'm going to really regret having written this." And WHAT DO YOU KNOW. My whole 'apologetic side' just doesn't quite suit me. For a moment I suppose I really did feel that way, but that moment was brief and has passed. Thankfully. I'm now back to my old apathetic self. The part I wrote that really gets me was the.. "I'm not sure if the right word to use for the way I feel about my life, as it is currently, is "Happy" but I think "Content" is a good one to start with." Ha!!! What a fucking crock of shit. I'm not able to fully remember the days events leading up to that post because of all the drugs that I took in high school but I can only assume that I was, like most days, drunk and high at work. Writing under the influence is usually a good thing, but on that day I must have got a bad batch of something, mixed in with a short foreign snippet of happiness to made me have written down and actually believed those absurd thoughts.

I've most definately lost my faith in my customers. Sure, I still get the occasional pleasant customer (like the one I'm 'seeing' now, who just happens to hate people as much as I do. Looks AND a negative attitude? Zing!) but when customers repeatedly take phone calls in the middle of ringing them up and can't seem to comprehend "third aisle down".. well, then you get a little annoyed. I would only hope that, unlike every baby owning person that comes into my work, if I was in a small store and my child started to scream and cry and pull things off the shelf, I'd yank it's tiny arm out of its socket and drag it outside. If these mothers don't start putting a binky in their babies mouth the second it belts a tune, I am going to start putting fist to gums.

And I'm sure that the small amount of people that read this (minus Kelly and Jaxun) think I'm being obnoxious and dramatic, but kids, I assure you I'm not. The rediculous people and unbelievable things that happen in this store are all things I believe SOMEONE should be complaining about. And complaining hard. Last week a little girl took off her pants and started running around naked in the store. As cute as it was for the first 5 seconds, it was also extremely awkward for me and the customers that were perusing the aisles. I believe I can speak for the other 3 people that were in the store at that time when I say "I'm definately not trying to see a toddlers junk."

Dear god, I really need to start another blog so I can write about all the other shit I put up with in my life. If you only knew...

Only wine can save me now

xoxo

SATC2

2010-05-30T13:10:00.000-07:00

Shame on you Michael Patrick King!!

When Sex and The City 2 came out on the 27th my best friend Allie and I went to the midnight showing. Obviously. We walked a mile, bought our tickets and managed to get decent seats. The next 45 minutes were absolutely unbearable. There were dudes in drag, overweight ugly girls (one managed to snag a seat beside me) hammered groups of girls, girls wearing ghastly outfits.. and all of them, I repeat all of them were having rediculous conversations in high pitched voices. All the while my friend and I just sat there having to listen to the voices of death. The theater was unbelievably loud. When I go to the theater I SHUT THE FUCK UP. I don't talk. EVER. Then the movie started, you'd think everyone would hush up right? Wrong. There were multiple conversations still happening well into the first 20 minutes of the movie. Blood boiling.

After the plot started to pick up I started to settle down and tried to enjoy the movie, which sadly, turned out to be extremely hard to do seeing as the plot was barely there and the outfits were far below fabulous. And not only was I sitting next to a fat almost thirty chick and her friend, but the fat girl happened to be the loudest person in the theater. Not kidding. The loud people always sit by me. If it was only me and someone else in a theater they would most definately find a way to sit behind or beside me and torture me throughout the entire viewing. This woman laughed at every. single. joke. (Not only did she laugh but she made an awkward sigh noise before AND after her laughing fits..) And most of the jokes were NOT funny. Minus the Jude Law joke which was brilliant.

When the movie ended my friend and I walked back to my apartment. We were both so shocked at how horrible the movie was that we were silent a good two thirds of the way home. I think we were both afraid that the other person liked the movie and didn't want to ruin their buzz. Thank god we had similar views about the disaster. (The whole Aiden situation!!! Could have gone on a lot longer. Major let down.) And Abu Dhabi? REAAAAALLY??!! I would have been satisfied if the whole movie took place in New York, after all, it's Sex and THE CITY.

The sad thing is, if they made a third SATC I would still go see it.

I would like for you to now take the time to look closely at the picture that I've provided below. Do you see Samantha (far left) and Miranda (far right) WHAT ARE THEY WEARING?!?!??!? Correct me if I'm wrong but Miranda is wearing a cowboy hat and I don't even know where to begin with Samantha. When I first saw this scene I thought it was a joke.

xoxo

Everyday I'm Hu$tlin'

2010-05-27T18:00:00.000-07:00

Thank god I wore a short skirt today.

I left for work earlier than usual today so I would have time to go to Safeway and purchase a bottle of wine and a bottle of champagne. (I like to come to work prepared.) It was at this certain Safeway that I got a call from my manager whilst purchasing my daily booze.

Me: "What'd I do this time?!"

Him: "Miranda! Timothy Hutton is at Chipotle. I repeat, Timothy Hutton is at Chipotle."

Me: "Ohh fuuuck me! Good to know."

Him: "Good luck and godspeed."

I was in such a hurry that I didn't even bother to put my valuables in a bag. With a bottle of alcohol firmly gripped in each anxious hand I was seen speed walking down Lovejoy to my beloved Chipotle. As I opened the door and fumbled around with my future beverages Timothy Hutton looked up at me. (No need to be coy) Naturally as I stepped inside a wild gust of air from outside blew my hair around and, for a split second, it helped me to look semi enticing. With the wind in my hair and my leather jacket on my back, I was definately looking like I just walked out of the Girls, Girls, Girls music video. Something Mr. Hutton obviously appreciated because I caught him checking me out multiple times during the duration of my visit. (BOOM!) I went to the counter and since I wasn't hungry in the least I ordered a side of chips and guacamole. I also requested a cup for water because Timmy was sitting near the soda fountain and any excuse to get close to that man is a good excuse. I sat down (within Timothy's eye sight of course) and managed to slowly eat my chips while texting my girlfriend (fellow Timothy Hutton enthusiast) about what was happening to me at that very moment.

"I just spent $3 so I could sit near Timothy Hutton and attempt to make him fall in love with me."

My friend tried convincing me to go over and ask to take a picture with him but that was absolutely not going to happen. Rejection isn't very becoming. Before I could get up to leave and walk past him again he got up first, beating me to the punch. Extremely disappointing. I'm downright convinced that if I'd been able to get near to him one last time (without any plans to ask for an autograph or picture) he would have realized that I'm the woman for him. (Until next time.) I always keep an eye out for him when I leave the house. He will NOT get away from me and my well thought out plans to marry him and bear his children.

(Btw, he had a huge burrito with a side of salsa and guacamole)

xoxo

Aim To Please

2010-05-26T19:50:00.000-07:00

There's nothing I hate more in life than a real fucking moron.

And here at Videorama, I work with multiple. Excluding my manager, the remaining two boys that work here.. well, let's just say they fall short when it comes to brains. They're both deserving of their own posts, (which I believe I've done here, here and here!) but the possible future posts are endless. They never cease to amaze me, which at this point isn't really a good thing. I've had it Up. To. HERE.

Us ladies got the short end of the stick when it comes to many things (blood flow in the nether regions comes to mind) but having to sit down to relieve ourselves comes in at the top of the list. We have to pull down our pants, sit down, and then pee. It's a tedious task. So I would like to be able to do it in peace. Without any stress. Something I'm very clearly unable to do at work. Nevermind the constant flow of customers, but now I have to worry about cleaning the fucking toilet every time I have to go. No, I'm not fucking around. I've had to clean my work toilet more than I clean the one I have at my very own home. And what do you know, I have the lads here to thank for that task. Naturally you'd assume that grown ass men would be able to either aim or lift the toilet seat before they urinate. Well, you'd be wrong. When it comes to the fellas I work with anyway. Today was no different, my manager leaves, I go into the bathroom, and BLAM! Piss all over the toilet. Come ON! I finally decided to make a little friendly reminder that I pee here too and then taped it to the wall. If I find ONE drop the next time I go in there..

xoxo

VILF

2010-05-26T18:50:00.000-07:00

And you have no idea how bad.

Over the course of 3 days, 1 tattoo appointment and 4 fabulous dates I was able to finish the second season of True Blood. I can't say that it was better than the first season because every time I watched an episode I was really distracted.. by the hot fucking vampire on my screen. (And NO, I'm NOT talking about Bill Compton. Him? Really?)

Have you SEEN Eric Northman? I'm rarely ever even attracted to blondes but I would let this vampire eat me any day of the week. (Wordplay!)

If not for the multiple orgy scenes, watch the show for this stud. I would bathe in blood for him. (But I guess that's not really saying much..)

xoxo

Some Kind of Zing!

2010-05-17T12:28:00.000-07:00

After the 5th time of being woken up this morning from dehydration and irritation I realized I was probably going to have a horrible day. Afternoon at least.

I've been in one of those "I'm extremely agitated, borderline aggravated" moods today. And it's only noon thirty. I WAS planning on feeling this way all day long and taking it out on customers like any normal person would.. but in an unforeseen turn of events, my mood has altered for the better. And I'm hoping this feeling lasts.

Mere seconds after I unlocked the door to my work the phone rang. Only further proof of the imminent demise of the days quality. An overly anxious person greets me on the other end of the line. He's nice. A little too nice for my liking, immediately my annoyance is prominent. Whether the gentleman can tell or not, I'm not sure. I make the phone call as short as possible. I put a movie on hold for him, which just so happens to be Pay It Forward. Of course. (Foreshadowing?!) Minutes later an extremely tall man comes in. I'm still in a bad mood but he's obviously gay so I try to be at least semi decent towards the guy. (I'm still looking for my Stanford so I don't wanna burn any bridges. Viva la Gaytion!)

He asks how my day is going and I ponder telling him my whole life story but settle with a "meh" and an "I'm in a bad mood." He looks completely distraught. Like he actually cares about how I'm feeling. Awwwkward. I just look strait down and try to avoid eye contact at all costs. The unpleasant sensation I'm suffering only gets worse as I look at the guy through the corner of my left eye. He starts walking away, phew! He starts walking around the front counter, wtf wtf! What's he going to do!? Stand still Miranda, stand still! Maybe he won't see me. I eventually have to look up at him because he's no more than a foot away from me. The look on his face is the one my mother gave me when I found my birth certificate for the first time and my dreams of having been adopted were crushed. SYMPATHY. Do you KNOW what he does next. He gives me a big fuckin hug. And I'm not talking a quick grope and pat on the back, I received a full on SQUEEZE for at least 15 seconds. I don't like being touched, especially hugged, so the fact that I didn't pull away still baffles me. Surprisingly, after he releases my body from his grip, I don't feel like projectile vomiting up my facon and hashbrowns all over his face. I even feel a little better. Less like killing someone and more like smiling at someone. (Which I quickly do.) He takes his movie, bids a fond farewell and walks out the door.

It took 30 seconds for me to process what just happened. A stranger hugged me. I let him hug me. And it made me feel better. I tell myself to be nicer to others and try to shake my demons for the day. Five minutes and half an Iced Grande Skinny Vanille Latte later he comes back. This time he has a flower in his hand. He sets it on the counter, gives me a big grin and then leaves to continue on his day. (Gotta love the gay romantics.) I want to make one thing perfectly clear here. I have never even received flowers from my ex boyfriend. (The only thing he gave me itched and cost me 65 dollars to get rid of.) The flowers smell delicious and I'm in absolute heaven. I LOVE being given flowers, (blush peonies and jasmine accepted always.) Who in their right mind buys flowers for a stranger because they're having a bad day? I suppose it's something I would love to be able to do for someone but haven't. Yet. He made my day to say the least and I plan on paying it forward.

I'm utterly convinced he's involved in The Random Acts of Kindness Foundation

P.S. My girlfriend and I smoked a doobie last night and fucked with my cat for hours. He loves me no more.

xoxo

Conditioner

2010-05-14T20:52:00.001-07:00

I am completely shocked I've never blogged about this.
Here we go..

Back in the day I wrote about THIS guy. (Oh, and Here too!) What a naive little child I was. "Oh, I believe in the good in people!" WRONG! I DID end up going to get a haircut from this man, and I ended up going back muuultiple times, not because he was so good (he really wasn't) but because he gave me a discount. (By discount I mean the $75 hairchop was FREE) "Oh, he just knows I'm broke and still want to be able to look fabulous so he's just being nice and doing me a favor!" A "favor" which I suffered greatly for might I add.

It started out innocent. He'd cut my hair,.. and I would usually schedule it for my day off, so afterward we would go get a beer around the corner or a quick bite to eat.. in MY mind it was NOT a date, just a friendly chit chat over food. He was nice and I enjoyed his company (for the most part, and only at first.) This was how every haircut went for the next couple of months. He even introduced me to all the girls at the saloooon and we'd have lunch with them as well so it never really got too creepy. But after a while he would start saying "god, isn't she beautiful?" "she looks like a movie star" WHAT THE FUCK. GROSS. That's when I started feeling uncomfortable. Like, really, who says those things, especially when the person they're talking about is saying "STOP."

He never really stopped talking about my looks to other people, while I was RIGHT THERE, but I let it slide (it was worth the free haircuts! DOI!) But after awhile he started coming into my work.. at night.. ok, whatever.. he's a lonely old man.. I can pretend to be nice.. but he got a little tooo comfortable and started coming in completely HAMMERED. I mean, the works. Drooling, slurring, wobbling all over the place. Extremely off putting. So I stopped getting lunch with him after the haircuts.. get in, get out. To be fair, I told him how I felt. "Yo, you're gross when you're drunk. Don't come into my work like that. Actually, don't even come near me if you've had more than 3 sips of a beer (major lightweight.)" That would just make him mad and he would just end up calling and texting me like an insane/jealous ex boyfriend until I would answer and we would 'work things out.' I know what you're thinking: WHY THE FUCK DID YOU PUT UP WITH THIS FOOL?! My only excuse is that I like pretty hair. I fail in some "Life departments" (mainly 'boyfriends' [one in particular] and 'accepting free things') I've almost learned my lesson.

Then, get this, I ended up moving into the same fucking apartment building that he lived in. The odds right? I think this gave him the feeling that I actually WANTED to live near him, so he would start showing up at my apartment. As if that isn't bad enough, he would come over unannounced. And it's not like I could just ignore him! I live in a 300 square foot studio with walls as thing as rice paper. He would KNOW. I would tell him to chill and not pop over, but he would anyway. My cat even hated this dude, he started pissing everywhere. Ohh helll nahhhh!

Ok, here's the good and unbeliiiievable part. One night he came into my work and gave me a Xanax bar. (Why helloooooo!) It was then I realized that he was shit faced. Weird. He then proceeded to confess his love for me. I know. I KNOW. He said that if he was 20 years younger I would be his, HA! Not likely you fat piece of shit. I told him to leave and get a life because he just reached a new level of disgusting. Three days later he comes to my apartment. It's midnight and my guy friend and I are shotgunning beers before we go out for the night. I have to answer because I'm obviously there. I open the door and he's missing a shoe, his eyes are crossed and he's holding a grape soda, which contents are spilled down the front of his white shirt.

Him: "I just killed 3 people"
Me: "Awesome, who'd you murder?"
Him: "3 people that owed my friends money"
Me: "Cool, well.. have a good night"
Him: "Can't I come in?"
Me: "No, I'm about to leave and I have a friend here. BYE"

That seriously happened. Only in MY life. He came back 15 minutes later and knocked on my door for about 5 minutes. My friend and I just turned the lights off and hid in the closet until he went away. Convinced that we were to be his next victims, we were extremely hesitant to leave my apartment, but we did (all for the love of Tubesday.) The next night he comes into my work, sober this time! I'm shocked. He tries to have a conversation with me. Not happening. I told him what happened, which he denies. But there's no denying the truth kids. Sebastian as my witness. It was then that I finally got up the courage to tell him that I never wanted to see or speak to him again. Being his friend was just too much and getting wildly inappropriate. Wild I'm up for. Inappropriate I'm known for. But not together. He starts crying! (CRYING!! In my work!!) The only thing I can remember crying about in the past couple months is Carrie and Aidan breaking up, and I make sure to do that shit in the comfort of my own bed. This creep then tries telling me about how his mother didn't/doesn't love him and that he is gonna go get some help. Good for you, but I still don't want to ever see your pock marked face again.

And I didn't see or hear from him for about a month but one night a few weeks ago he came in and rented a movie. Then a few times I've seen him staring at me through the window at my work. I've always wanted a stalker, but this is just not as fun as I thought it would be.

I never found out if he really did kill anyone. I wouldn't be surprised if he was telling the truth though.

xoxo

It's Crushing Me

2010-05-06T20:58:00.001-07:00

I feel this great, great pressure coming down on me.
It's constantly coming down on me.

Unrequited love.
These grey days..
It's happening again.
I think I know it.

xoxo

An Education

2010-04-30T21:24:00.000-07:00

My manager, convinced I'm a fantastic writer, is helping me pen my first novel.

I came into work today and my manager told me he had read my blog. Uh oh. To my surprise, instead of criticism I received praise! Hallelujah! He asked me "if you could write anything in the world, what would it be?!" Hmm.. of course I said Pulitzer Prize winning novel. Although he is believer of my writing abilities, he isn't too assured that my first novel would win the Pulitzer (in time he'll come around.) In the meantime, he's helping me with ideas for my book.

And so it begins..

We got about 3 pages of ideas down in just under an hour. We ARE a power couple. And I now have homework. Something I haven't done since Junior year of high school (I'm still trying to figure out how I earned that diploma.) He told me to reread all of my blog entries and take notes (I'll let you figure out what the book is about for yourself) which I started doing as soon as he left..

....[this is really what this post was meant for] I reread multiple entries and was left in complete shock. Really all I can say is, I have EVOLVED! Not just as a 'writer' but as a person. I can't believe how much I've changed over the course of the past year. Especially within the latter half of the year. It's a timeline of my emotions. I was such an angry person. Just.. mean, bitter, hateful, envious, RUDE. I can't believe some of the things I said. In all honesty, I could have said worse things, wrote more hateful things about people, but I'm genuinely embarrassed about the way I felt about the community. Don't get me wrong, I still dislike a large portion of the general idiotic population, and working in customer service, interacting with 'those' people comes with the territory, but I think now as I'm coming into my own, I don't feel the need to be as malevolent towards others. I'm sure the turning point in my attitude was my breakup last November, I blamed everyone else for MY problems, but as time goes on I'm able to look at things in a different light. I'm trying to be a happier person, and hopefully that shows in my writing and in the way I interact with customers. (Earlier I let 2 older women ask me 69 questions about my tattoos, [something I absolutely HATE] and I answered them all enthusiastically.) I'm not sure if the right word to use for the way I feel about my life, as it is currently, is "Happy" but I think "Content" is a good one to start with.

Don't think for one second that my unrelenting complaints are going to cease anytime soon. I'm not a completely changed woman.

Ma Haine Dure ;)

xoxo

The Good, The Bad, The Hiiiittin!

2010-04-28T21:08:00.000-07:00

Let's get one thing strait: I grew up in the days of Waterworld and Anaconda.

Twister, Super Mario Brothers, Mortal Kombat, Hackers, Showgirls, Postman, Face/Off.. When I was younger those movies HIT! And I still love them all to this day. SERIOUSLY one of my favorite movies of all time is Con Air; a movie in which my boyfriends refuses to even consider rewatching. He says 'modern cinema has ruined my appreciation for the classics.' (this coming from a man who's favorite movie is U-Turn. JLO, gross!) And most people seem to have the same reaction. This got me thinking. WHAT THE FRACK?! Why do people keep shitting on all the good movies? Then THAT got me thinking 'what even constitutes a good/bad movie?'

I absolutely loathe most Criterion Collection movies, all that pretentiously artistic bullshit can kiss my ass. But those are presumably the "important classic and contemporary films." Ohhhh really?! For me, a good movie is one that you can watch over and over and enjoy every minute of. Not one you poke and prod. Not one you dissect! I get the whole "the lighting in this scene is brilliant" or the "look at how many things are going on at once in this scene!" I too am one that can appreciate those things, but generally I like to look at a movie as a whole. Not scene by scene. In the end it's about how the movie made me feel. If it was memorable or not. THIS is why I haven't seen most "classics."

There are certain movies out there that get so much praise that they just scare me off. You'd think the opposite right? "Ohh that movie sounded soo good, I'm going to watch it right away!" No, more like "That movie is supposed to be fantastic, I think I'll rewatch National Treasure 2 instead." As of late, this personal philosophy has put me in the doghouse. Major. When my boyfriend heard I hadn't seen Chinatown he literally cringed. When I said I also hadn't seen Lawrence of Arabia, Apocalypse Now, Rumble Fish, Full Metal Jacket or Casablanca he shook his head in shock, horror and utter disbelief. That's where the whole speech on modern cinema made it's first appearance. That's also how my "classic movies I have to watch or I'll most definately get dumped by the end of the week" list was developed. So far I've watched Rumble Fish and Apocalypse Now. (Rumble Fish, Meh. I think my favorite part was hearing Mickey Rourke's knee trembling voice. Apocalypse Now was fucking fantastic on the other hand. Best part, hands down, Larry Fishburne [before he was Laurence] dancing to The Rolling Stones.)

I honestly believe that I have good taste in movies (I DON'T like the dude who makes all those stupid Madea movies, that's gotta count for something) So, ok yeah, I like a good summer blockbuster, (Michael Bay, definately not overrated) but I CAN also grasp the significance of a movie like Picnic At Hanging Rock. I'm not an ignorant person and don't you dare judge me on my taste of movies (and music for that matter.) And, for the most part, you have to be in a certain mood to watch a 'good' movie! You, or I guess I, can't be tired and want to watch a John Huston film. Especially since lately I've begun to show signs of adult adhd the 'important' films are not ones that I tend to want to view. The only thing I've been in the mood to watch recently is RedTube. And even then, I find my mind wandering aimlessly.

Tonight I'm taking home Lawrence of Arabia, The Pillowbook and Fearless. But don't be fooled, the entire 3rd season of Sex and The City is in my purse as well.

xoxo

I'm Just NOT That Into Him

2010-04-25T12:44:00.000-07:00

First of all: What the FUCK

I'm walking to work this morning and there's some Kevin Smith look-alike standing out front of my work. And when I say standing out front of my work, I really mean PLAYING HACKY SACK. I thought the only people that did that were the semi homeless Rastafarians you see at the Saturday Market circa 1998. (In some places it's called the Thursday Night Market. Like, say, if you're in California.) BUT NO. Here's some middle aged white man with his gut hanging below his tie dyed shirt and he's kicking around a fucking footbag at 11:45 in the goddamn morning.

Then, literally 40 seconds after I've unlocked the door and right before I've managed to turn the lights on, he pokes his stupid fat head in and asks "is it kosher if I come in?" A. NO. 2. Did you seriously just refer to something other than food by the word KOSHER? Because I think you just may have.

He comes in and says "goodmorning!" I don't even bother with a head nod. All I'm able to muster is an upward curve of the lip (more like quiver.) Then he gives me the whole "I just asked you a question! HAVE YOU NO DECENCY?!" look and heads strait for the Sale movies. Of course. No sooner had I taken my first (and much needed) gulp of coffee when he comes over with another question. "Yo, are you Stephanie?" The first thing I want to say is "Yeah, my necklace says Miranda because my name is Stephanie" but I realize, he must work for the company! On rare occasions a customer will ask my name, usually after I've been extremely helpful and witty, and in those instances I'll gladly allow them the pleasure of knowing my real name. But this was NOT one of those instances. My eyes dart back and forth between the extremely large stack of movies he's been piling up on the floor and the leftover donut sprinkles he's acquired on his upper lip. [Enter simulated slow motion vomiting] My mood changes as quickly as my younger sister's when she's refusen to take her Ritalin. He's so daft I highly doubt he notices my fake smile (aren't they all?) and oddly high pitched voice (which my boyfriend likes to refer to as my 'normal' voice.) I respond "Actually, I'm Miranda.. do you work for Videorama or is buying large amounts of movies just your hobby?" (I hold my breath.. if he works for this fucking company there's no doubt he's going to complain about me, which will only leave me with the excuse that I hadn't had my morning coffee so my attitude was to be expected.) "No, I used to work with Chris at the Alberta store but now I work at a used movie store up in Vancouver. I thought Chris said a Stephanie worked here, but I guess I got the name wrong." A sigh of RELIEF.

I've already altered my mood twice this morning, so I decide to stay in character. I'm gracious and friendly the rest of his 20 minute visit. This way I only end up feeling a little guilty about being a Grade A Bitch to him in the beginning of our initial interaction. Right before he leaves he gives me his card, he says it's for Chris but come on, we all know who it really was for. I kindly accept the card and give him one last smile, after all, he did just spend $120.

After this grueling experience I come back to Earth and realize what a FUCKING MESS the place is. Behind the counter especially. The dude with the glasses that works Saturday nights is giving me a fucking ulcer right in my BRAIN. I want to cut this guys nutsack off all Sons of Anarchy and then make him chew on them Chaos style. I don't know if you can tell from the pictures I'm about to upload but there are fucking pens and garbage all over the fucking floor. Not to mention he didn't even bother to put all the movies away AND that little prick graffitied all over my Zooey Deschanel picture. I'm gonna get him one day, and I'm going to get. him. good. I hope he enjoys playing World of Warcraft every night and never getting laid, because that's all he seems to be able to do right. Well, that and save stupid fucking pictures as the computer desktop.

xoxo

The Lovely Boner

2010-04-16T21:25:00.000-07:00

I couldn't ask for better blog writing material.

You know those 'old man' crushes.. which may or may not (in my case) be synonymous with the 'daddy issues' crushes..? Yes well, I'm all too familiar with them. I'm immediately attracted to 40 year old men. As far as I'm concerned, they could be my cousin, I don't care whatsoever. Older men just do it for me. Beards, Mmmm. It goes without saying that I'm in love with about a 3rd of our customer base here at the old Videorama. At least. And you'll be damned sure that they are all at least 29. There's this ONE special customer though.. let's call him.. Hadley Forrester. (Is Hadley even a real name or did I just make that up?) We have lengthy conversations about 'adult' things (mainly my personal life) and we flirt. Except when he comes in with his girlfriend. Then, in that case, we flirt more. It's to be expected. I never liked his girlfriend, she's always extremely up tight, asks about my tattoos incessantly,.. and is old. (I'll tell you something she's not.. cute.) Except one time they came in and she was haaaaaammered. Then I liked her. But for that night only. I think she tried to hook me up with her son? (I know someone I'd like to hook up with, and his name starts with YOUR BOYFRIEND.)

Anyway.., Bradley, I mean Hadley, comes in and I make him rent Fantastic Mr. Fox, he's checking out the package so I do a hair flip and wink to give him the full experience. (I could teach Elle Woods a thing or two.) Then I ask about his girlfriend.. that's where things get interesting. "Oh, yeah my EX girlfriend. She just up and split. I have no idea what happened." Reh heh heeeeally! Apparently she said he was just 'too much' and packed her bags one day. Things are lookin up! I press him on the details and then he spills the juiciest gossip OF. ALL. TIME. (You ready for this?! Na na na..)

Hadley: "Yeah, she would actually always bring you up in our little bedroom fantasties."
(People want to BE me AND do me. Shocker! ..in more ways than one)
Me: "Wait, what? Fantasies as in sex and bedroom as in sex?"
Hadley: "Oh god,.. yeah. Sorry, that was too much information."
Me: "Oh no darling, not at all. Tell me more"
Hadley: "Haha I'll save the rest for later."

Any normal person would be creeped out (right?) and how typical that I'm beyond flattered and might be letting it go to my head. Definately, Actually. I guess it makes sense, their combined ages added up to like 90.. they got the 'hot young tart' fantasy going on. Enter me into the equation.. BLAMO!

On a side note, she actually turned out to be a lesbian. Surprise, surprise.

(My favorite old man of all time. Gary Oldman. MMM!)

xoxo

The Boat That Rocked

2010-04-13T12:36:00.000-07:00

You know those rare movies you're lucky enough to watch that put a little skip in your walk? I fucking found one.

This morning I watched Pirate Radio before work and let me tell you, I will have a better day because of it. The last scene had me blubbering like a sodding idiot but not because it was sad, quite the contrary, blissfully happy. Right after it ended I blared The Rolling Stones and jumped and danced on my bed for a full 4 songs. It was that kind of movie. Music from the movie reigns supreme and the cast delights as they.. STOP, that's starting to sound like a legit review [by my standards anway.] This movie fucking rocked! Literally. It had me smiling, singing along, cheering on the djs and most importantly it made me want to TURN. IT. UP.

Everyone's snogging, making fun of one another, listening to music and having the time of their lives. It's such a happy movie. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that Philip Seymour Hoffman plays the best dj. (Almost Famous) Bill Nighy, Nick Frost, Rhys Ifans,.. BOOM BOOM AND BOOM!

Britain in the 60s.. what I wouldn't give to have been alive in those days.

xoxo

Year One

2010-04-12T16:00:00.000-07:00

Holy shit

I literally just realized that I've had my blog for a year. Over a year actually. April 1st of 2009. I'm sure I started this as an April Fools joke and just went with it. You can add that to the list of reasons about what makes me so funny.

I can't believe I missed my blogs birthday. Shows you what kind of mother I'd be. (A really fucking rad one)

In any case,.. HAPPY FIRST BIRTHDAY, BLOG.

We've come a long way, baby.

xoxo

Sex and the Videostore

2010-04-11T13:42:00.000-07:00

You know when shit happens in movies and you think 'only in a movie would this happen.' I've learned, especially in MY life, that the crazy shit that goes down in movies also tends to actually transpire in this little thing I like to call "Real Life."

I'm at work today (looking up shoes online, Clogs: Love em or leave em?) and this customer that I've always fantasized about comes in. He's older, has a solid name, is completely mysterious and possibly even wise. He looks like he just walked out of a J Crew catalog, which I'm totally digging for spring. I rarely ever speak to him because he's extremely intimidating and I'm a strong believer in enticing sans words (I hold firm to that) He never really makes too large an attempt to to strike up a conversation with me either, which is only further proof that my tactic is working. This morning, however, he asks "How you doin",.. omigod.

Of course I'm taken aback and jolted into a haze of disbelief but I manage to spit out "I feel like I'm on CRACK! Coffee! Is.. I has, so big! Hrrmm?" What a wide eyed wonder I've become. He starts laughing at my slurring, mumbling and the loud infliction I used when I said crack! because I'm super funny and really nice to look at. (Ok, we're off to a good start) "Well, I am soo hungover.." (Nice, he drinks. Something we can talk about over dinner) "..I was at my friends house up in the West Hills.." (Friends With Money, I'm liking this so far) "..I know a lot of big, famous, rockers.." (1. BARF 2. Art Alexakis hardly qualifies as a 'famous rocker' anymore) I'm finally able to get a word in so naturally I ask him if he got any poon. I believe my words were "Niiice, so.. you stick your P in any hot young V?" He shakes his head, and no not because he was sad it wasn't my V, but because!!!!!!....

"The funny thing about that is, yesterday was actually supposed to be my wedding day to a 'hot young V' but I called it off." JACKPOT!! I live for gossip. Characteristically I make him spill the beans on this lock, stock and barrel. The Bridezilla: Some 25 year old who wasted 5 years of her life teaching English to Asians. His Drink of Choice: Whiskey. How He Dropped the Bomb: She was cooking (unspecified) food and he walked in the room and said "I'm not going to marry you" and then she collapsed.

ZING! He started explaining that she was too young, he had always dated older women, and that he was 40(ish) and just now realizing he wasn't the marrying type. Additionally, he went on to explain to me that "as you get older it starts to become more about the brains than the body.." (common misconception) "It's about at the end of the day, coming home to someone that makes you laugh."

I succeeded in letting him know 3 things about me: A. I like older men "How disappointing, I only like older guys. I hope they don't all feel the same way." 2. (As of recently) I'm not the marrying type either "Marriage is for foolz anyway. It's like the whole kids thing, I never saw the point." 3. I'm single "I'm single."

For grins, earlier this morning while I was getting ready for work I was watching SATC (I've finally started rewatching the entire series. Getting ready for SATC2!) I was on episode two of the first season, Models and Mortals, it was about modelizers.. men who date the models.. the hot young women.. dating for the bodies and not the brains.. and toward the end Big tells Carrie "in the end it's about being with the person that makes you laugh." (Don't quote me on the exact words, but you get my point.) What a coincidence, I'm hilarious. I can only assume I'll be seeing more of this man that left his fiance at the alter (what a keeper huh?)

xoxo

Only Me

2010-04-09T18:29:00.000-07:00

Apparently when I think I'm being nice I'm not.

When I got to work today my manager immediately spilled the deets to me about his worst customers of the day and started cracking ugly jokes. It's how we bond. After mentioning to him how glad I was that I never go out of my way to be nice to someone (unless, of course, I know I can get something from the person. Survival instinct. We can't all be blessed with it) he blurted out "I've gotten two complaints about you in the past two days. From two different people. Both of them said you were always grumpy." Looooves it. It's times like these I'm glad I don't care what people think about me (if I did would I be nicer?) He didn't want to tell me who the customers were for fear I would make sure to be especially nasty to them on a regular basis (he knows me so well) but I coerced him. (I've learned that threatening people always works out in my favor)

He told me the first person's name and I had no idea who he was talking about, so it's very likely that I was "grumpy" to this person. When he mentioned the second name I was blown away! I had always believed that I was nice to this person. Always. Mainly because he's black and kind of because he's cute. I'd even seen this guy on my walk to work earlier and managed a slight wave and tilt of the head. Something I never do,.. usually when I see a customer on the street I walk the other way.. So, what the crap?

1. I could start being fake nice to him so he'd be all like, what was I saying? She's such a lovely lady. How could I have thought she was grumpy?! 2. Stay the same? Meh.. 3. Being rude has always seemed to treat me right.

And that was just the beginning of my work day. A little later (after Chris had left of course) this woman opens the door and kind of just stands there with movies in one hand and her phone in the other. I get the feeling that she's about to cry. Aaaand she does. WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO, I'm not one for consoling. So, I do the most logical thing. Just stand there until she stops. She eventually hands me her movies and tells me they're late and that she has more late movies that she won't be able to return until the next day. OK OK no problem! And do you KNOW what she says!! (After she starts crying again of course)

"My mom's dying."

Seriously? You're gonna do me like that? What can you do? I'm not a monster, I deleted her late fees.

xoxo

Why So Sarcastic?

2010-04-08T16:57:00.000-07:00

Talk about ruining a lady's self esteem for a good 3 months. A 'friend' (and by friend I mean not a friend) was just in and we were bouncing banter off one another's platter when he said something about me gaining weight. HOLD THE PHONE.

"I've just you know.. noticed that you've gained some weight. No big deal, it's probably your birth control"

"I'm not on birth control you shit stain!"

"Well I was just saying, I noticed it a little in your jowls. It's ok, I've gained some weight too. You can still be hot if you're chunky!"

"Yeah, there's a lot of sexiness under these rolls of mine."

First of all, who uses the word JOWLS anymore? Seriously who says that? Second, I just got called fat. Basically. What is up with my 'friends' these days?! I'm constantly referring to them with quotations when I call them friends, they say I'm not funny when really I am, they call me immature when infact I'm very wise for being only 22 (I'm a Democrat) and as of late they believe me to be boxed in the overweight category. And people wonder why I deleted my Facebook and Twitter (other than the main reason being I stalked my ex boyfriend waaaay too much. Like, "eat ice cream out of the carton in bed and cry to movies we used to watch together" too much. Things I still do to this day.)

Under any normal circumstances this little comment would have left me running towards my fridge for Flamin' Hot Cheetos (yes I keep my chips in the fridge) and pickles dipped in champagne.. but this wasn't any normal circumstance. Oh no it wasn't. Right before my friend called me Gigantic, two 18 year olds came in asking where a payphone was, and I'm pretty sure those haven't existed since 1993 so I let one of them use our phone. But then he couldn't remember his grandpa's phone number, so I let him plug his charger into my outlet (eh eh eh) and after I gave him his phone back, guess what he threw at me! A bunched up 5 dollar bill. Psh yeah. Talk about lucky day. I'm gonna use this sucker to buy me a cocktail at the Say Anything concert that I just so happen to be attending tonight. (ALONE might I add.) I plan on getting crosseyed drunk and taking home the very married Max Bemis. That little Eisley bitch better watch her skanky back. Out on the prowwwwwwwl.

Yummayyyyyyyyy

xoxo

Top of The Line

2010-04-08T12:48:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time I thought I would be able to make money off blogging. HAHAHA!

Last July I posted about how I 'joined' Adsense ($100 for a handjob?) and I was all hell bent on makin money the easy way. I like short cuts. I don't like having to work for anything. Adsense seemed like the perfect solution; I was going to have a successful blog, quit my day-job and become semi famous in the blogging community. Adsense was going to throw dolla billz in my face, I was going to have a fantastic blog that would probably never gain critical acclaim, but nevertheless earn me my navy blue duffle bags full of money. And because of all my ghetto fabulous riches I would be able to force my boyfriend to marry me and be my sex slave. Well, since then we broke up and I've only made 43 cents on Adsense.

I stalk all these other sophisticated women online and they're always talking about how these companies are sending them clothes and expensive possessions drooled over by chicks like me who have nothing better to do with their lives than want things they can't have. "MIU MIU sent me these shoes last week, adorbes!" "..look at the intricate detail on this free Elizabeth and James dress. Doesn't it bring out the vomit color in my eyes?" If you read my blog you really wouldn't think I'd give two licks about these other girls and their colorful lives, and.. I don't really. I just want free shit too goddamnit!!

List of things companies should send me for free because, actually, I'm quite Rad:
1. A case of Rockstar as big as my bed
2. A vibrator because "The Sex Bible" says only women with vibrators are fearless and sexy. What have I been all these years?
3. A manual to go along with the vibrator
4. A fun cooker
5. A Snuggie with Stephen Rea's face plastered dead center
69. Rockband

Yesterday a friend told me I wasn't as funny as I thought I was. Two hours later a completely different friend asked me when I was going to grow out of this whole "hate everyone" phase. (So what you're really trying to say is....) I guess networking is out of the question since I'm not nice (something I like to call a QUALITY of mine) and apparently I'm not going to be able to joke my way to famedom like I'd originally planned since I'm the only one laughing at my slapstick humor.

I'm going to sit here on my stool at work and google 'how to make money off of blogging' for the next couple of hours.. maybe Adsense is just screwing me in the ass. There's gotta be some other money making tool out there.

*If anyone wants to hire someone to write half assed movie reviews that don't make sense or have proper grammar and almost always veer off subject.. you've come to the right place.

xoxo

Ode to Flesh

2010-04-05T12:56:00.000-07:00

Last night a friend and I watched Taxidermia. I definately went into it thinking it was going to be some high gore high tension type of movie. Boy was I in for quite the surprise. (It was NOT a horror movie btw) In the very first scene some guy blows fire out of his penis. Then he has sex with a pig carcass. So, first impression: AWESOME. Then I got confused because it went strait to all these overweight people (and when I say overweight what I really mean is fat as fuck dudes) in an eating contest and for a good chunk of the movie the plot was about that.. then it started becoming about an extremely creepy and perverted taxidermist. Huh? I needed Clarissa for this one. After the movie had ended I was laying in bed thinking over and over about the plot and what I had 'missed' and now I'm pretty positive I got the whole story down. So I'm not dumb. Take THAT nerds!

All in all I'd say it was a pretty interesting movie. Someone called me alternative yesterday (I know right! News to me that people still use that word to describe people) so I'm assuming it's a type of movie that "MY" people would like.

Graphic nudity: Check! Obese people having sex: Check! Self induced vomiting: Check!

My friend said that the movie reminded him of Delicatessen, and in a way I suppose it does have that feeling of some of those 'oddball' French films, but this one had more "ick!" factor and less "that was one quality film!!" factor. And it was Hungarian.

Definately worth the watch.

xoxo

C'est moi!

2010-04-04T15:54:00.000-07:00

Jeunet est génie, non ?

*And yes I acknowledge that the videos are coming out weird but no I don't know why

xoxo

BlindSided

2010-04-02T20:13:00.001-07:00

Googling people of the opposite sex. We all do it. Working at a videostore I meet a lot of oddballs, and if they're interesting enough I usually end up googling or facebooking them once they have left the store. (Not so much the latter anymore, I'm on a facebook hiatus) This has worked in my favor many a times. And rarely is the person I'm internet stalking even someone I'm romantically interested in. Just someone I want to know more about.

"That last name sounds all too farmiliar.. I think they're famous.. they sound like they know how to get on the 'in' with Timothy Hutton. BLAMO!"

Wehh he helllllll.. YESTERDAY, I'm talking to this guy. He likes blood & guts (win) he's not obsessed with Asian cinema like most avid movie watchers seem to be (win win) and he's new to the area and doesn't know anyone I know (major win.) We bonded over my love of pickles (I keep the fridge at work stocked) and how epic the trailer for Clash of The Titans is. So I'm thinking, "Cool, a f-r-i-e-n-d!"

He leaves and I immediately google him. (He mentioned earlier that he was in a band and I didn't wanna be all like "omg omg which one?!" because really I don't care all that much.. but he wasn't all trying to tell me which one, which got me curiouser and curiouser, so I just had to find out for myself.)

Fucking, he forgets something and comes back and that motherfucker catches me googling his ass. I looked like a deer in headlights.

I used my favorite 'this can't be happening, I'm so confused, why am I so awkward, what do I say?!' line "IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE." Tried and True.

Warning: Do NOT google someone unless you are absolutely positive they have left the vicinity. For good.

xoxo

Alternative to 69

2010-04-02T19:24:00.001-07:00

SOOO much ass to mouth.

xoxo

Say Hello To My Heavy Friend

2010-03-31T17:05:00.001-07:00

I went to California, had a splendid time, bought fabulous things and now I'm back to this crap hole of a town. Somebody save me.

When I came back to Portland I had that "I don't belong here" feeling, the same exact feeling I knew I would have when I got off the plane, and yet, I've decided to NOT move to California. Looks like I'll be keeping my blog (sorry phantom annoyed comment maker)

I DID buy an extremely rad typewriter that I'll be using to write my masterpiece on.. so maybe I'll be doing more of that than this. Just maybe.

Here she is. And for only $25. What a find.

It's really hard to type on though, so the amazing novel that I plan on writing might take me a while. So far I have the title. (Which may actually be the only brilliant part of the book)

(Anyone else notice the direction my blog is taking?)

xoxo

In Summation..

2010-03-23T14:03:00.000-07:00

The Blind Side [5]

I'm embarrassed to say this but I.. enjoyed this movie. It is in NO WAY "Best Picture" material but it's worth the watch. I can't believe I just said that. I was so hesitant to even watch this movie, for the same reason I didn't want to watch Precious, but I did and I'm glad. You go Sandra. Get em girl!

Brothers [4]

After I saw the preview for this movie I was extremely excited to watch it. Meh. Jake Gyllenhaal was nice to look at but that's about it. BUT, I didn't turn it off! I wouldn't pay to watch this movie but if it was on tv I wouldn't change the channel.

Fantastic Mr. Fox [10]

Yeah, that's right. A fucking TEN. This movie was FANTASTIC. No pun intended. I saw this in the theater and was constantly laughing out loud. I didn't even care that there were other people sitting near me. Definately a must watch, must own type of movie. I love you Wes Anderson. (Except I didn't find Bottle Rocket enjoyable. Poo.)

Mad Men Season 3 [8]

If you haven't seen this show.. what the fuck. It just keeps getting better. The 3rd season was unfuckingbelievable. But I am no longer a fan of Betty Draper. Shame on you Bets! I love Joan and her full figure.

xoxo

Carnivale

2010-03-23T13:02:00.000-07:00

It was a mad house in here this morning! In the 2 years that I have worked here there has never been a line of customers waiting for me when I come to open up shop. Today that all changed.

I walked by the store (Videorama) on my way to Safeway to purchase my daily Rockstar and I noticed 2 women standing at the door. I chuckled to myself because of how disappointed they looked that we weren't open yet.. and then thought "what LOSERS." As I slowly walk the two measly blocks back to open up the store I see more people standing infront of the entrance. Se7en to be exact. I open the door, turn on the lights and start cleaning up the Gigantic mess behind the counter (Brian closed last night. Amongst the multiple spilled energy drinks and random pieces of gummy candy all over the floor, I notice that there are movies he decided to not put away. Thanks friend.) Five minutes go by and all of the lost looking customers are still standing in an unorganized line on the sidewalk. SO annoyed at this point. I go outside and ask "Why are you all standing out here? I opened five minutes ago. You guys look weird."

Big mistake. Big BIG mistake. I hadn't realized that I had yet to put all the new releases on the wall so every single one of those customers that I dread on a regular basis came rushing up to the counter freaking out.

"Omg is Mad Men season 3 all out?!" "Blind Side? BLIND SIIIIIDE!!!!"

To make matters worse, another wave of customers come gliding through the entryway just as I'm getting my bearings together. (Come one, come all) Unbelievable! You all really had nothing better to do at NOON on a Tuesday? Not only was I having to run all over the place, trying to locate all the scattered movies that came out for rent today, but my hay fever was acting up. Inbetween my sneezing spell, runny nose, dry cough and puffy eyes I was having to ask customers for their last name and whether they wanted the movie over night or for the full five days. Not my favourite way to spend my afternoon. Not in the least.

Ah, but I digress, I really do. Tomorrow I leave for Californiaaa (here I cooome) and I couldn't be happier.

xoxo

85 Going on 40

2010-03-20T12:17:00.000-07:00

Gloria Frandle. FAVOURITE. CUSTOMER. EVER.

She's this little 85 year old woman that comes in and literally picks 4 random movies off of the closest shelf to the front desk. Sometimes she heads for "My Picks" section but I have to remind her that they're all blood and guts movies so then I end up picking out movies for her.

She's got a little hunch back and today she came in talking about how if she could stand up strait she'd look like she was 39. What a doll. Then she reminded me that I needed to get my bangs cut. "They're looking rather long."

The first time I saw her I immediately thought of the Swamp Witch in Big Fish. They could be sisters. Except Gloria wears a lot of pastels, no black. And no eye patch.

xoxo

High Tension

2010-03-17T19:42:00.000-07:00

Today I received proof that people actually read this thing! I got a comment that WASN'T from someone I know! And it was a nasty comment! Well.. I guess not nasty,.. the person thought I was really annoying (like David Caruso annoying) and they pretty much think I am a waste of a life. Which is totally fine, because I guess it means I have something in common with someone.

(PERSONALLY, I think the negative commenter is a middle aged fat woman who's bitter because she has yet to find HER g-spot and she's a tad bit sour because I called another lady fat in a previous post. Just my humble opinion.)

I wondered about whether or not I should try to justify my blog and all the negative things I say.. but honestly, I could care less if people don't like what I have to say, what I do or who I am. Just trying to spread my gloomy attitude wherever possible!

xoxo

P.S.
The comment is in the post right below (Swan Princess) if you care to read it

It's Not What It Seems

2010-03-16T17:34:00.000-07:00

I haven't been this excited since my ex boyfriend found my g-spot.

Yesterday while shopping I found my all time favorite movie from when I was a kid. THE SWAN PRINCESS!!!! I was almost tempted to buy it on Amazon awhile back for like 69 dollars but decided to hold out. Good motherfucking thing I did yo! Found it at Target for $5!

This is like, Little Mermaid/Beauty & The Beast good. The songs are so fucking catchy. I haven't seen this movie since I was about the wee wee ol' age of 14 and I still remember every single word to every single song. My personal favorite being "Far Longer Than Forever." This song definately hits home.

"Far longer than forever, I'll hold you in my heart. It's almost like you're here with me, although we're far apart. Far longer than forever, I swear that I'll be true. I've made an everlasting vow, to find a way to you."

I'm not going to lie, last night I definately listened to this song over and over again. Where's MY Prince Derek?!?! Oh, that's right.

The.. 'supporting' characters kick a shit load of reptile ass and the movie is just all around greatness. If you have a chance to watch this.. DO IT. 10+!

Alison Wonderland

2010-03-16T14:56:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my birthday. The big DEUCE DEUCE! I went shopping with my little sister (she got me season 2 of 30 Rock, Booyah!!) then we both went and had lunch with my grandma. After the intense wine drinking, my gma and I went to see Alice in Wonderland. (3-D) I initially had no intentions of watching that movie. Too much hype, not really into 3-D, and it just looked like.. too much. But my grandma assured me it was great. So we went.

I was pleasantly surprised! I enjoyed the movie. I wasn't as impressed with Alice (whatever that random girl's real name is. I'll give her props for her gorgeous blonde locks though.) But I thought Johnny Depp's performance was wonderful ;] (And not just because he's Johnny Depp) He's this.. 'mad' hatter but really deep down he's so lovey. I just wanted to hug him and let him cry on my shoulder. The end scene where he says goodbye to Alice reminded me of the end scene in Labyrinth where Sarah's in her room looking in the mirror, talking to Hoggle, Ludo and Didymus and they say "..should you need us, for any reason at all.." I guess The Mad Hatter reminded me, in more ways than one, of Hoggle. (He owns a beat of my heart.)

During the movie I WAS a little confused, I was like.. yo dawg, why isn't she about to drown in her tears? Why isn't she painting all the roses red?! After the movie got out my little sister informed me that it was supposed to be a 'sequel' to the original Disney cartoon movie. Made so much more sense after that. I'd give it a 6.5. That's a recommendation ya'll!

xoxo

Haute Mess

2010-03-12T19:02:00.000-08:00

Being drunk at work is better than being sober

Just sayin...

About half an hour after I arrived at work a customer came in with, LITERALLY, a bag full of bottles of scotch. He opened the best one and let my manager and I chug out of it. This put us in the mood. My manager went out to run an 'errand' shortly after and came back empty handed. (Someone had gone with him and he didn't have his id. DENEB!) So then I volunteered. Ran to the liquor store, it's only 2 blocks away. Bless your heart jesus. I asked for the airplane bottles.

Liquor Men: We have Bacardi and Grey Goose

Me: No whiskey?

Liquor Men: Nope

Me: Rum?

Liquor Men: Bacardi IS rum.

Me: Ohhh uhh.. right, yeah, I know I was just.. you know.. yeah sooo 2 Bacardi bottles please. Make that 3.

I run back to work, we down the little suckers and then get all warm and fuzzy inside. RELEASE!

It's come to my attention that this might not be smart to blog about incase someone 'important' reads this and then fires my ass.. but really.. who reads this besides Kelly? (Same goes for my talk about amphetamines)

xoxo

Customer of the Week

2010-03-11T19:08:00.000-08:00

Dare I even call this woman a customer? Actually I'm pretty sure she isn't, sooo.. 'crazy person from off the street of the week?'

This happened yesterday and I'm only getting around to posting it today because, surprise! I actually worked all night yesterday. (In between me dog sitting for a customer.. yes, while at work) So I'm just standing around, drinking my coffee, talking to a coworker and some fat woman comes in. The first thing I think is "where did all of her teeth go?" She comes to the counter and asks to use the phone.. I told her that it's actually impossible seeing as the phone doesn't reach far enough. You know what she fucking says to me?!??!?!?! "Well can't you just hold it and dial and then hand the phone to me?" (The CORD reaches her) I roll my eyes at her and I make sure she notices my reaction.

Then she makes me dial a 1-800 number! A 1-800 NUMBER! Unfuckingbelievable. THEN! She says "press zero for me" ...my jaw drops. You know who I find out she's calling, her goddamn motherfucking BANK. She seriously talks to her bank for FIVE minutes. All the while I'm holding the phone in my hands, not able to help any other customers.

Once she gets off the phone she hands it to me and then just walks out the door. Right as she leaves my coworker and I start talking shit about her. Girlfriend needs a reality check. About a half hour later she comes back in and stands in line, she tries to ask to use the phone again but I just walk away and ignore her. Finally she leaves.

Needless to say I had a horrible night at work. And then another customer was copping an attitude with me because I wasn't being nice enough. Well fuck YOU too. I am sick and tired of people not 'liking' my attitude. I'm sorry I'm not gonna be fake and pretend to like you or care about what you have to say all the time. I'm a hateful person. I'm bitter. Get over it. (I promise I never used to be this way. Once upon a time I was a happy person)

After I got off work I went to Safeway, bought apple juice, cheese and asparagus, went home, got extremely stoned and tried to watch Arlington Road. All I remember is some kid with a funky bloody hand. Gonna need to rewatch THAT one.

xoxo

Double Whammy

2010-03-07T13:01:00.000-08:00

Being the productive Miranda that I am, yesterday I woke up at 2:30pm. I wish I could blame it on my late night bar festivities, but I go out maybe once a week (Tubesday!) I've self diagnosed myself. Insomnia! God, I romanticize things way too much.

Well, after 15 minutes of being awake I decided I was either going to go back to bed and sleep through my day off or go to the movies. So I got dressed and took the shame train to the Clackamas Town Center. My sister works at the theater there so she lets me in fo frizzle. (Yes I go to the theater by myself. I prefer to actually.) First up on my list was The Crazies.

I'm gonna give it a 5 on the richter scale. My favorite movies are when people go pyscho, show no mercy, eat people and kill everyone and that's what this movie was about so it already had one leg up. Although it was rather slow, it had some pretty frightening scenes. (*I rather enjoyed the funeral parlor scene.) I really liked the cast.. Timothy Olyphant, Mmmmm! But I'll tell you one thing I absolutely did NOT like. The mother fucking ending. What the crap was that?! I hate those types of endings. I call them "The Hills Have Eyes Endings." You know, the I'm gonna have the characters go through all this shit, have them think they survive and then show the audience that they're doomed to die no matter what they do/did. Buuuuullshit!

After that movie ended, I went and hid in the bathroom for like 4 minutes and then snuck into my 2nd movie for the night. Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief. I forgot it was a kids movie, so I was really surprised and annoyed when all these pre-teens started showing up. (I realllllly dislike anyone between the ages of 5 and 20 so this was my worst nightmare.) It was all downhill from there. I was starving, my ass hurt from sitting too long and the movie sucked. They completely butchered the book. Actually, the one thing that pissed me off the most was that the main female character's hair was brown. It's fuckin supposed to be BLONDE! All the book talked about was how beautiful her blonde hair was. Come on man, at least give me that. And Steve Coogan as Hades??!! BOOOOO This movie gets a 2.

I think on Tuesday (my next day off) I'm gonna go for another DIY double feature. And no you can't come.

xoxo

Home is Where the Heart is

2010-03-05T19:40:00.000-08:00

Quarter life crisis? I'm definately having one.

My ex boyfriend and I broke up back in November but I am just now getting around to experiencing the breakup phase. The.. "it's actually over, cry myself to sleep every night, I'll never love again" phase. It's pretty bad. I'll even credit it for being the sole reason for my inability to concentrate/work/be social. I don't even enjoy drinking anymore.

So I thought that maybe I should move. Start over. Actually do something with my life. Today my manager and I created a rather large Pro/Con list for moving. If I did leave Portland I would end up living in Pismo Beach, California. (That's where my father's side of the family is from) The PRO side of the list was more prominent.. but I still can't decide. It would mean the end of my blog!

Say It Isn't So! I mean.. I could always get Netflix? Blasphemy!

What do you think ghost blog readers?

Should I leave this..

For this...?

I'm going to Pismo at the end of the month to scope things out, so I'll make my final decision when I get back. When I step off the plane am I going to have that "I'm home" feeling or the "Somebody save me, somebody take me away from this awful place" feeling? That's going to be the determining factor. ....Imagine, me with a tan. I shudder at the thought...

xoxo

It's Friday, I'm in LOVE

2010-03-05T19:11:00.000-08:00

Dudley Moore is my new obsession. I've always thought he was fabulous but the other night I watched Arthur and was absolutely blown away. Then last night I had a Dudley Moore marathon. I can't get enough of this man. He was BRILLIANT.

BEST. SENSE OF HUMOR. EVER.

I would do unspeakable things to him.

xoxo

Ya'llz Can Go Fuck Yo Self!

2010-03-03T20:25:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I went and saw Cop Out (it was either that or The Crazies.. actually I really wanted to see Percy Jackson and the Longest Movie Title Ever but I was with a friend that I didn't think would enjoy it. He'd never heard of the books! Pshhh)

So many people are giving this movie bad reviews.. and if you're one of them.. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT! I laughed my ass off. So it's no fucking Criterion Collection movie but it did it's intended job. (Make money money, make money monaayyyyy) I work in a videostore (OBVIOUSLY) and I've seen a retarded amount of movies. So many infact that lately I haven't wanted to watch any. I feel like I've seen them all. Nothing makes me laugh anymore, nothing scares me, makes me cry.. Nothing keeps my attention. This did. Nice job Mr. Smith.

One of my favorite scenes was when Tracy Morgan is on a bike chasing down a 'bad guy' while he himself is being chased by a.. pit bull? Anyway, while this is going on he yells something along the lines of "down Cujo dog".. I think I was the only one in the theater that laughed. They referenced a shit ton of movies in this which is one of the main reasons I liked it so much. Unless you're a movie buff, you're not going to 'get' most of the jokes.

Dare I say Kevin Smith can do no wrong? Clerks 2 I didn't see and don't really have an urge to watch it.. but come on people.. Zack and Miri, Jay & Silent Bob, Dogma, Chasing Amy, Mallrats.. and fuck you, I'll admit it... I loved Jersey Girl.

Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about.

xoxo

Jagged Little Pill

2010-02-25T19:04:00.000-08:00

I'd just like to make one thing perfectly clear. (Incase I die tonight and people read my previous posts and think me naive)

I may write about taking large quantities of opiates but I am in no way promoting drug consumption. In the words of another blogger, I'm "contemptible." Humphh.

Update*
It is now March 3rd and I've only smoked weed since this post. And for purely medical reasons. Insomnia is considered 'medical' right? I is good girl.

Goddamnit! Goddamnit.

2010-02-25T18:12:00.000-08:00

One word: Retail therapy. By golly, I'd sure like to know how I'm going to be able to pay my phone bill.

Working at Videorama is literally COSTING me money. There's a lot of downtime in this shop, at first I spent my time working. That didn't go well. Then I started reading but recently stopped because I can't seem to be able to focus on anything. (Besides my addiction to prescriptions which aren't prescribed to me and all the men I can't seem to keep) THEN! I came across online shopping. Which is what I now do. ALL DAY. I spend more money at work than I actually 'earn.'

Today I bought a shirt with Andy Kaufman's big bloody face on it.

BUT, this isn't a fashion blog so I won't continue on with my 'recently purchased' list.

AND, this isn't a 'feelings' blog so I won't tell you how lame some guys are. Even more so their girlfriends. (THEY WERE ON A BREAK)

God, definately off track. If you can believe it, I originally started this post because I was trying to peruse various shopping websites and all the goddamned customers kept interrupting me. And then I got mad. Hence.

Oh, and this message is for Brian, my thief of a coworker... (You stole my Rockstar last night you big boob!)

P.S. Last night I attempted to watch Immortal Beloved. Big fat NO to that one. Then, Bronson, NO. I passed out watching National Treasure 2 and thinking pleasant thoughts about drugs and how I would have liked to be on some.

On a completely different issue.. I can't tell if I'm a product of my environment. I BUY music so I'm gonna say no.

xoxo

Sheer Ingenuity

2010-02-21T14:14:00.000-08:00

I was talking to a customer today, about the only person who knows that this blog exists, and he gave me an idea. Instead of writing about one irritating thing in a world of millions, write about a whole bunch of things about one subject.

Examples:

Vid-iots: I'm drowing in assholes
Vid-iots: I think I dated you but I might have been blacked out
Vid-iots: Learning to barter
Vid-iots: Learning to spot a stalker 101
Vid-iots: I'm high, how are you?

In short,.. short stories.

When writing these posts and I talk about someone I'm generally talking about multiple people at once as to not make the main person I'm talking about too obvious.

FUCK that shit. Fellas, you better watch out. Your ass is no longer safe. I will write about who I want, when I want. And although I may create a fake name for you, you can bet your ass they will both fucking rhyhme.

I can feel the 'defamation of character' lawsuits rolling in.

I can't wait to write the "I think I dated you but I might have been blacked out"

Know what happens next?

Idiocracy

2010-02-08T12:52:00.000-08:00

Proof that all hope is lost. My day has been ruined. So early in the afternoon too.. what a shame.

And this is only the second customer of the day.

#2: I'm looking for a new release
Me: Go on..
#2: I don't remember what it is
Me: .......
#2: Well, it's a newer release..
Me: Ok, but to help you I'm gonna need to know a little more than that
#2: I don't remember
Me: Well.

..then I walk away and make myself look busy. Actually, I walk away, go to the computer and go to blogger. Now I'm here. REALLY?!

J-J-J-J-Jaded.

xoxo

Stalker Status

2010-02-07T16:23:00.000-08:00

Normally I'd find this flattering.

A few weeks ago a customer came in (one of my favourites..)

Her: Do you have a boyfriend?
Me: No (insert frowning emoticon here)
Her: Well, do you know someone named *Rob?
Me: Yes, well a customer named Rob..
Her: Well, there's some guy named Rob going around saying that you're his girlfriend.. and he's old so I just knew it couldn't be true.. but I wanted to come in and ask you anyway..
Me: What the what?! It couldn't be the same person I'm thinking of.. does he have all gray hair?
Her: Yes!
..this is the part in the conversation where a shiver falls upon me..
Me: Well go do some investigating and find out for sure!
Her: OK, I got your back girlfriend!

I tell my manager and he's creeped out just as much, if not more than I am. After a while I forget about it.. I even see the guy a few times after she told me this bit of information and he never once acted all romantical toward me.

THEN!!!!!

The customer comes back, her name is Allison by the way, and she tells me that it is for sure the same person I was thinking about. She goes into detail about what he's been saying (I'll spare you the details) She has me convinced.

Let me make this clear. A CUSTOMER HAS BEEN GOING AROUND TELLING PEOPLE THAT I AM HIS GIRLFRIEND. He is also almost as old as my GRANDMOTHER.

I'm freaked out to say the least. Do I confront this person? If I do are they going to go all Fatal Attraction on me? I kind of get the feeling he's more Robin Williams One Hour Photo type of creepy stalker.

I seriously would not be surprised if this man kills me in my sleep. I'm going to wake up one night, feel a presence in the room, hear some nasally breathing and then BLAM! A knife, right to the carotid artery. I only ask he violates my body after I've Perished from complete loss of blood.

xoxo

Whatever You Sayyy Master

2010-02-05T21:13:00.000-08:00

I make it a personal goal to make sure no customer at Videorama ever feels special.

Especially because most everyone wants to feel special. They want to think that they're a valued customer. No. Not happening. Not by ME anyway. Sorry to say, I let other people ruin 'it' for others.

I just don't understand people these days. CONSTANTLY asking questions. And they're always questions that you can answer yourself. "Where's The Sound of Music?" FUCKIN MUSICALS! Where the fuck else do you think it would be?! When I go into a store and I have to ask an employee a question I am COMPLETELY mortified.

Fridays are the absolute worst. They're the busiest nights of the week and of course I work them. Alone. The phone is ringing off the hook (I absolutely HATE talking on the phone. Doesn't matter if they're strangers or not. HATE. TALKING. ON. PHONE. My grandmas learned to text because of this reason) People keep asking if there's this movie or that movie (tonight the popular title has been The Hurt Locker, up yours Oscar announcements) and OF course all the crazies, dumb dumbs and philanderers alike are lurking about. Videorama seems a popular establishment for these kind.

Brain dead customers are almost always the sole cause of my endless ranting. And I do apologize. To think, I at one time thought of myself as a people person. When mama's had her opiates I suppose she is.

xoxo

*This is my 69th post by the way

Hey sista GO sistahhh

2010-01-27T12:16:00.000-08:00

If you're into rad movies and live in Portland, OR there's no reason why you shouldn't be going to the Grindhouse Film Festival (unless you're like me and get dooped by some dude and don't have the guts to go alone.)

Here's the link http://www.grindhousefilmfest.com/

Last Saturday they played Torso and because of an unforseen situation (read above) I didn't go and I've been kicking myself ever since. Don't you go thinkin' I'm gonna miss Demons though!

Feb. 13th they're playing "Creepers".. apparently that's what the kids are calling "Phenomena" these days.

See ya there! (IT'S A BEER THEATER)

BYYYYY the way, 'presents' and 'directed' are two completely different things. Argento did NOT direct Demons, just like Del Toro did NOT direct The Orphanage

xoxo

Master of Horror

2010-01-17T13:34:00.000-08:00

Caution: A namedropping post so horrorific even Miss Cody would envy

I've had a "Miranda's Picks" section for about a year now and it's a pain in my fucking ass. I'm constantly having to switch the old out for the new and my taste in movies is quite different from the average customer. It always takes me forever to pick movies out that I think the usual suspect will enjoy. So, after a week or so of thinking it over, I finally decided- fuck the customer, these are MY picks!! Thus "Miranda's HORROR Picks" was born!

For a self proclaimed horror buff, I found it surprisingly difficult to pick out a varied selection. I didn't dare touch the classics, them being the obvious choices.. (Nightmare on Elm St., Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Friday the 13th, Halloween, Reanimator, Phantasm, Dawn of the Dead, Dracula, Frankenstein, Exorcist, Rosemary's Baby) and I also didn't want to just throw all my favorite horror directors' movies in there and call it MY section.. (Argento, Fulci, Craven, Romero, Carpenter, Hitchcock, Bava, DePalma) I stood infront of the horror section for about half hour without picking up a single movie,.. truth be told, I took a vicodin prior so I think I was just pretty spaced out. (Helloooo chronic backpain!) I eventually came back to Earth and just demolished the aisle.

Here's what I came up with:

Inside
Demons
The Thing
Jaws
Scream
Poltergeist
Pet Sematary
My Bloody Valentine ('81 DUH)
Opera
The Serpant & The Rainbow
Stigmata
The Ring
Cabin Fever
Candyman
Cold Prey
Black Sheep
Them
Severance
Frontier(s)
House of 1000 Corpses
High Tension

Looking over the movies, most have a lot in common.. I've fallen head over heels for French horror (Inside, Them, Frontier(s), High Tension) and British comedy/horror (Severance, Shaun of The Dead) I DID grab some classics (The Thing, Jaws, Scream, Pet Sematary, Poltergeist) and then I put some in there that are.. Ohh I don't know.. sentimental for me (Opera, Stigmata, The Ring)

The people that don't agree with my choices can go fuck their mother

Honorable Mention: 30 Days of Night, 28 Days Later, American Werewolf in London, Chaos, Children of the Corn, Childs Play, Dagon, Hatchet, Hills Have Eyes, House on Haunted Hill, Last House on the Left, Night Train Murders, Slumber Party Massacre

If you want to see a movie that, after watching, you'll wish you'd never seen.. then I recommend Chaos. It's the most brutal movie ever made. It made me puke.

And I know I forgot a lot of really good ones, but I fully intend on rotating these out for others

xoxo

What the What?!

2010-01-07T20:59:00.000-08:00

I think I've had it. I either need to find a new job stat or take copious amounts of happy go lucky pills to cure my increasing need to scream and cuss out my customers. It's getting bad.

WHAT THE FUCK is up with people dropping movies off in the inbox outside and then coming strait inside to rent more movies?! Why not bring the frackin movies inside with you and drop them off INSIDE?!?! Doesn't that make more sense?! I've got absolutely ZERO respect for the people that do this. I want them dead. Like yesterday.

And apparently everyone that calls into the store is def as F or they don't know which end of the phone goes to their ear. I'm gonna say 4 out of 5 phone calls start out..

Me: Videorama!

Dumbfuck: Hello?

Me: Yes?

Def fuck: Is this Videorama?

Me: Well, that IS what I just said, so what do you think?

Swear I'm not whispering into the phone.

Just so everyone knows, when you call into this store, more likely than not I'm making faces at you through the phone and pretending to shoot myself.

And don't EVER call the store to see when a movie comes out. EVER. Or I will make it my personal mission to make your experience here as uncomfortable as possible. You seeeriously can't go online and figure it out for yourself?

I don't get paid enough for this shit.

xoxo

Oh, and speaking of Avatar. WHOA. I shall be posting about it shortly. (Meaning when my mood decides to chill the fuck out.)

I is Goonie too!

2010-01-03T13:24:00.000-08:00

Welllll last Tuesday my girlfriend and I decided to be rad and spontaneous and take a mini road trip for the day. The Goonies is one of the best movies of all time (and no that's not my opinion, it's fact) so Astoria seemed the obvious choice.

Right when we got there we had beer and hamburgers on the waterfront.. OF course.

After that we made fools of ourselves and acted like tourists while taking picture after picture infront of The Goonie house and the County Jail.. we also saw the bowling alley where Chunk smooshed his strawberry milkshake and pepperoni pizza against the window. Kindergarten Cop wasn't forgotten and we took pictures infront of the school as well.

I'm not able to upload pictures at the moment, but thankfully I took some pictures with my phone and was able to send them to my gmail.

Enjoy my beauties.

And wouldn't you know, as we were leaving I get texts from people back in Portland saying it was snowing like hellllla! (I was way bummed that I was going to miss all the whiteness and joy the snow brings.) Fast forward an hour and we're stuck in bumper to bumper traffic on I5 southbound. Miss brainiac over here (that would be moi) decided to drink a Rockstar right as we were exiting Astoria and had to pee extremely bad. So bad my bladder actually HURT. Too bad for me though because there was no chance of us getting off at an exit because the next one was 4 miles away. I braced myself for the moment where I'd end up having to pee in the waterbottle at my feet. A miserable FIVE HOURS LATER we make it to the ramp that was only FOUR MILES AWAY. We stop at New Seasons, I pee, we get back in the car.. and the son of a bitch died on us, then we had to find someone to electrocute the car. I finally got home and drank my weight in beer.

All in all I'd say the trip was a success.

xoxo

Oh, and of course we had to stop by and say hello to my friend Jake!

You Talkin To ME?!

2010-01-01T22:46:00.000-08:00

More importantly, you FUCKIN with me?!

You won't believe what just happened.

I don't believe what just happened.

Some guy just walked into my work and all he says is "Hey, call me a cab? Thanks."

I just stared at him for a few seconds, unable to process what he ACKtually just said to me.

"Do I look like a bar to you? This aint no hotel lobby home-skillet, I work at a mother fucking VIDEOSTORE. If you've got their number I'll be extremely generous and let you use my telephone."

He in turn says "I'm from L.A." ..looks at me like I'M the dumb one and then walks out to meet his ho in heels. WHO, by the way, has a cellphone in her hand.

I shouldn't even be surprised. Guess this is what I get for not getting myself an 'education' at a fancy school

xoxo

Santa Likes To Fuck Fat Chicks In The Ass

2009-12-24T19:50:00.000-08:00

Tis the season!

It's Christmas Eve here at the ol' Videorama so naturally I'm the one working. I open tomorrow morning also (that would happen to be Christmas DAY by the way)

I'm rather bored at the time being so I thought, buh loooog! I don't have much to say at the moment though, so I'm just going to tell you my 3 favourite Christmas movies (in no particular order..)

1. Home Alone

I've seen this one so many times that I know all the words by heart. And no, I'm not one of those people that says the lines while watching the movie. I HATE when people do that shit.

2. Elf

CLASSIC! If you don't like this movie then you're not allowed to be my friend. (Zooey!)

3. Badder Santa

I can see what Angelina Jolie saw in Billy Bob. The one liners are rad and so is Thurman.

xoxo

Don't Say A Word

2009-12-20T14:33:00.000-08:00

RIP Brittany Murphy

xoxo

Stuck in the Twilight Zone

2009-12-18T20:43:00.000-08:00

A couple of months ago a Chipotle opened up right across the street from my work. Seeing as it's kinda my favourite food, this is probably the worst thing that could have happened to me. It's almost as bad as if a Taco Bell had opened up across the street. All I do while at work is stare out the window and envy all the people eating the amazing burritos. I'm quite certain my manager has grown to hate me because all I do is talk about how bad I want it but can't afford it. (I know it's only $5 for a huge burrito but.. I actually don't have ANY money) So I'm forced to sit and salivate.

TODAY however was a different story. I started the day off complaining about how I was craving Chipotle (nothing new) I mentioned it a couple times and then stopped whining about it. Then almost 2 hours later a man comes in with 2 big bags that say CHIPOTLE. He sets one on the counter. Jokingly I ask, "Those for me?" He replies with a "Yes" I'm confused at first but then he tells us he's the general manager and decided to bring us some burritos. At this point I'm freaking the fuck out. He gives us the bags and right before he leaves he says "Hope you like pork." I stand there and my manager looks at me and just laughs. ...I'm a vegetarian...

I get so upset I pop a vicodin and think twice about taking another. I was already in a foul mood and this didn't help whatsoever. I start eating my feelings (saltines and cream cheese) and try not thinking about my crazy bad luck. THEN the worst thing you could possibly imagine happened.

A friend that works at Starbucks (Hey Deneb!) came in with a bag and goes "you guys want a burrito from Chipotle?" I got extremely excited and then found out that it too had meat in it. I nearly cried.

I think Alanis Morissette would have something to say about this situation

Feast on THIS

xoxo

Update: 12/28/09
I caved and finally bought Chipotle before work this morning. And it made me sick and now I'm going to go puke it all up. OF course.

Short & Sweet

2009-12-16T19:12:00.000-08:00

I almost drunk blogged. I know.

The other night I was home.. all alone.. watching Alias and then I got drunk. (Yes I get drunk by myself.) ANYWAY, I was pretty deep into the 4th season and all the episodes were really sad (parts of them anyway) aaand I was getting pretty emotional. I mean, I cried 4 episodes strait. Then on the season finale.. boyyy did I bawl. My immediate reaction was to blog about it. It's times like those that makes me thankful I don't have internet at my house.

If I DID have internet..

Me the next morning.

xoxo

If Chunk & Sloth Fucked..

2009-12-03T16:41:00.000-08:00

Then you'd have SOME idea of what this customer looks like. Don't get me wrong, I love the uglies but this guy (or should I say young man) has also got the most annoying personality of ALL FUCKING TIME. He calls in constantly, yells into the phone, brings movies up to the counter and says "I wanna buy this" WELL YOU CAN'T FUCKING BUY IT BECAUSE ITS A FUCKING RENTAL!!! I tell him that everytime he comes in, he just doesn't get it. My manager hates this kid too, he is so ridiculous, obnoxious, annoying, disgusting, unpleasant and revolting. THE worst.

You might be like, hey take it easy now! IIIIII don't think so. He just called in and omg.

Our conversation:

Me: Videoramaaaa

Him: What are your new releases that came out Thursday?

Me: Actually it's TUESDAY but the big ones were Terminator Salvation, Paper Heart and Night At The Museum 2
Him: Ok that's it?

Me: Nooo, there are like 20 other ones

Him: Ok well read them off to me then

..I proceed to tell him all the movies that came out..

Him: Ok, do you have The 10th Kingdom?

Me: Yes

Him: Ok, I know I can't buy it but can I pay more and buy it?

Me: WTF! NO!

Him: Ok bye

Tell me the truth, that's annoying as fuck right? I'm not just overreacting? Ok, thank you! I didn't think so.

And he also has a friend that looks like Randall Boggs from Monsters Inc.

I'm on a mission

xoxo

Diz Some Bullllllshit

2009-11-27T13:35:00.001-08:00

I walk into work this morning and find these movies, and they weren't even in their cases. I was the one that did that. Now I'M going to be the one to put them all away. Correct me if I'm wrong but this seems to be a legitimate reason to rant. The stack has been accumilating all week and nobody bothered to put the movies away. Hmm..

The way I've always done it, I make sure to put all the movies away that were returned while I was working before the next person comes to work. Less work for them. I'm a kind and thoughtful person, no need to remind me.. but the other people that work here just don't seem to get it (they're all male. WEIRD.) "Hey, Miranda's a girl, let's dump this load on her so I can be lazy and not to a god damn fucking thing." (Not that kind of dump..) One person is definately worse than all the other two. I won't name names. It's getting old boys. If I can fuck around on the internet, read all day and still find time to do my job, I'm thinking you should be able to do the same.

I'm ALSO thinking it's time for a mother fucking raise. Or a picture of me, framed and labeled "Miranda: Employee of the decade" Either would suffice.

P.S. Hang on to your husbands girrrrlzzzz, I'm newly single ;]

xoxo

I'm sorry, I HAVE to..

2009-11-20T21:07:00.000-08:00

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG

So last night at 12:01 I saw New Moon with a few of my girlfriends and my younger sister.. (and I just want to thank my sister for getting in line at 9am to get us the tickets and best seats!) Anyway.. after like 40 minutes of previews the movie finally came on and the entire theater started screaming and crying.. I may or may not have clapped and gave a little.. "omg omg."

If you haven't read the books and you saw the first movie, then you're obviously going to think that any fan is a complete moron.. not true! I'll be the first to admit that Twilight was anything but a good movie.. if you've read the books though, then you're forced to like it.. you've got no choice in the matter.. it doesn't make sense, but.. that's.. just the way it is..

New Moon was actually a good movie.. everything was better about this one.. the makeup, special effects and ESPECIALLY the acting.. well everything but the werewolf special effects.. come on guys.. reallllllly!! I surprised myself and all my friends and only cried ONCE.. and it was only one tear so I'm not sure that it technically even counts as a 'cry.' Sooo many people are New Moon hating right now, and I get it.. I used to be one of them.. then I read the books and now I'm completely obsessed. Like Ali Larter in Obsessed OBSESSED.. Well, that's all I'm going to say about THAT because this post is probably a fail.

Oh, and I had a sex dream about "Aro" because of this movie. Sex with Michael Sheen.. I don't even.. know.. it was.. weird...

xoxo

It's A Small, Small World

2009-11-19T21:04:00.000-08:00

It's official.. I've been formally dubbed "The Videostore Girl"

AT LEAST once a day (when I'm NOT at work) someone will come up to me and be like.. "You're Miranda right?" Uhhh... I can be anyone you want me to be baby..

Depending on my answer and location, (if it's in a bar then the scenario tends to be a whole lot different..) they usually follow up with.. The Videostore Girl? Psh! Puh leeeeze! I think you meant to say The Really Rad Blog Writing Girl..

The other day while I was perousing the aisles of Safeway I get a.. "Soooo, you're Miranda right? The Videostore Girl?" "Why yes,.. yes I am." "Ok cool." And then they just walk away.. really??? That's it? Don't leave me hangin girlfriiiiiiend! And then a woman just came in, bought Madea Goes To Jail and then asked "You Miranda? I told someone I was going to the videostore and they told me to tell 'Miranda The Videostore Girl' that they say hello.." Well.. swell! The fact that you can't remember the person's name doesn't matter.. at all...

I guess it's just that whole 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon thing..

..And with that I'll leave you with the tagline for my movie (that's totally going to be made about me someday)... "Videostore Girl by day, pill popping alcoholic by night" TM!!

xoxo

Oh, and P FUCKING S.. I'm going to see New Moon at 12:01 tonight. BOOOOOOOM

EPIC

2009-11-16T15:44:00.000-08:00

I watched Star Trek last night and.. good. Sooo good. I never watched any of the old Star Trek so I didn't really have any interest in the movie, (plus I'm not that into sci fi) but I watched it because I knew a lot of people would be asking about it and I wanted to have SOME knowledge of the movie. It had me crying within the first 10 minutes. I felt like such a girl.

Then I felt like a MAN because the action and effects were so fucking awesome!!!! The story is good too, not cheesy or lackluster. The only thing about the movie I didn't like was that Russian character. His accent was awwwwwful, and that actor is originally from Russia too which was odd. And Kirk wasn't even my favorite character, I'm head over heels for Bones (Karl Urban, the guy from Pathfinder and the LOTR trilogy) SWOOON

Definately a must see.
*And if you didn't/don't like it then I don't care and you're really stupid.

xoxo

My Love-Hate Relationship

2009-11-15T14:35:00.000-08:00

My job. I love it and I hate it.

Maybe it's not the job itself that I hate so much, but rather the stupid fucking customers. I'm an extremely anti social person, (a customer literally just called me a 'stranger hater') and talking to people all day everyday is not something I like to do. It wouldn't be so bad, but the thing is.. I actually have to be NICE to these people. I don't care that you liked the fucking movie, good for you. Go get another one and get the fuck out of here. That's why I want to work in a bar, this blog would be far more interesting and I wouldn't have to be nice to people unless I wanted to. At least.. that's what I assume anyway..

Don't get me wrong, some of the customers are pretty rad. (And not just the ones that bring me things! Although, if you want to get on my good side, that is what I recommend you do.)

Which brings me to the "Love" part.. some customers.. rule so fucking hard. My drug habit relies solely on the kindness of a select cartel of customers. You wanna barter, you come strait to me.

(You must excuse me for this rant, I need to go to the pharmacy if you know what I mean..)

(Most of the pictures on here do have meaning.... If you watch movies I'd hope you'd understand them all....)

xoxo

Bad Boys

2009-11-09T13:59:00.000-08:00

Mad Men..

HAVE YOU SEEEEN THIS SHOW?!

It's absolutely brilliant. Again, it was one of those shows I didn't want to watch because there was so much damned hype about it. But a dear friend of mine wouldn't shut up about it so I gave it a shot. I couldn't stop watching it! It's seriously all I watched for like 2 weeks strait. It's supposed to be about an advertising agency and the lives of all the people that work there.. but really it's just a show about dudes that drink scotch like water, cheat on their wives constantly and smoke 5 packs of Lucky Strikes a day. It rules so hard. I dislike the main character because he's such a tool, actually, mostly all of the male characters are douche bags.. with the exception of 2 (the 2 fat guys.) The female housewives on the show are easy to pity (poor Betsy) and the overtly sexual secretaries are easy to love (Joan! You get em girlfriend!)

Sadly, I've finished the first 2 seasons, and the 3rd doesn't seem to be coming to dvd anytime soon :[ I shall miss you my new favorite tv show. Until then.. Alias?

Obviously, Betty's my favorite.

xoxo

Madonna, meet Jackie

2009-11-09T13:45:00.000-08:00

So this was my "real" Halloween costume. I hope to god you know what I am. So many girls at my Halloween party just thought I was some chick with weird hair that had blood on my shoulder. You girls miss 4th grade history class or are you just dumb as fuck? No, really.. I'd like to know.

My grandma is mad at me for 'disrespecting' Jackie and mocking the death of her husband, but hey! It's all in good fun! Anyway, this doesn't have anything to do with movies so I'm gonna cut it short.

xoxo

Happy Halloweiner

2009-10-31T13:19:00.001-07:00

Halloween is my favorite holiday ever!! Although I do work today it's only until 4pm. I switched schedules with my manager so I wouldn't have to work tomorrow morning. I'd be no use here, literally walking dead.

Anywho, the other day my manager informed me that if I dress up today I'd get paid time-and-a-half. BOOM! I didn't wear my reeeeal costume, but I did manage to find a skeleton body suit costume my grandmother sent me last year. Mind you it's a child's large.. I bent over and the crotch literally ripped..

I'll try and remember to post pictures of my ACKtual Halloween costume later in the week :]

xoxo

UPDATE:

Omfg!! A customer came in wearing my exact same costume (appropriately sized) Bahaha

Let's Talk About Sex Baby!

2009-10-28T19:51:00.000-07:00

My voice must just SCREAM dirrrty talk.

Why else would "customers" just call up the store and start talking to me about their personal likes and dislikes of sex?! I can't think of any other reason.. I've been verbally raped at my work more times than I can count. The situations range from someone telling me what sex with me would be worth in dollars to someone jacking off over the phone to my voice. I'm THAT likeable, what can I say?

Anyway, back to why I was posting this in the first place.. someone just called and was.. just.. gross. The conversation was normal at first.. he was talking about how someone recommended our store to him and he asked our exact location and my name.. that's when things got weird. He started asking about "adult" movies and our selection.. specifically ANAL. He said he was newly married to a 22 year old and he was in his late 30s and wanted to know what he should do to get his 'conservative' wife to want to do it. I recommended RedTube.

THEN! He started telling me this story about how he 'ravaged' his wife the other night.. apparently she had on this silk negligee (from Victoria's Secret) and she was bending over the sink and he all of a sudden had this crazy urge to consume her.

"Is it wrong to have taken what's rightfully mine without her permission? She did look rather afraid of me when I came up from behind her naked with an erection hard as a rock.."

He seriously asked me that. Umm.. some people call that rape dear. There was more, much much more than he talked about but I'd rather not make this a 3,000 word post.

But, I bet you'd like to know how I ended the convo right?

"I've got a customer so I've got to go but I'd recommend Porn Wars. Bye"

..and yes I've seen it..

xoxo

EPIC

2009-10-25T13:32:00.000-07:00

Imagine this woman: 50s, Brooklyn accent, tan, short frizzy dark brown hair, petite..

Now imagine having this conversation with her..

Her: Hey hun! My ex called me up this morning! He was all threatening me and shit
Me: Oh goodness, what did he say?!
Her: That he was gonna fuckin knife me and shit. I said bring it on! I got a baseball bat waiting for ya. He's black ya know..
Me: Christ! I hope you don't get knifed
Her: Are you kidding me! I'm from Brooklyn, I lived on the streets for 3 years. I used to keep a razor blade on me at all times.. in between my teeth! I cut some broads up before too! Sliced 'em good.
Me: Shiiiiit
Her: Yeah, well I got a baseball bat ya know.. I'm just gonna stop fuckin thinking about it. I don't wanna get too upset. Fuckin blacks man! I got no sympathy for 'em! Drugs and theft and shit. Especially my ex.. he's from the ghetto.
Me: Whoa
Her: Yeah yeah, well I gotta go hun. Put a sweater on
Me: Don't get cut up!
Her: I'll show 'em who's boss
Me: You go girlfriend

All this coming from a woman who at one point in time offered me oxy and vicodin.

She rules sooo fuckin hard.

xoxo

Mrs. John Elwes

2009-10-15T20:26:00.001-07:00

Ok, I found my all time favorite customer to hate. I literally loathe these people. I'm not gonna name names because if they ever read this I'm sure they'd find a way to sue me or some fucking dumb shit. Slander?

This couple used to come in allll the time, (they've only been in a few times lately) they'd rent tv shows, then either a few hours later or the next day they'd come in with the dvds and say that they'd already seen the episodes so we'd have to switch them for the next disks (free of charge.)

And the wife (she's the absolute worst) she would always rent Gossip Girl and then ask for the next season, which wouldn't even be out, and she would literally tell me that I was wrong and that it WAS out. Biiiiitch!

AND they wouldn't EVER pay their late fees. Never ever. They had a $1.60 late fee and refused to pay it. Whaaaat the fuck. They live in these high rise apartment buildings across the street and won't pay a measley $1.60?? Can you say cheapskate?

Anway, the chick just came in and rented the 2nd season of Gossip Girl and as I was checking the movies out to her I told her that she had a late fee and HAD to pay $6 of it because it's over 6 months old. She got really pissy and was like "isn't there a law that says videostores can't charge customers late fees?"

Me: "What the fuck? Uhh, NOOO."

She pays part of her late fee and as she's walking out she calls her husband and complains about having to pay the late fee and asks more about this alleged "law."

I found this at Wikipedia and I just have to share it. This defination IS her.

-"A miser or cheapskate is a person who is reluctant to spend money, sometimes to the point of forgoing even basic comforts. The term derives from the Latin miser, meaning "poor" or "wretched," comparable to the modern word "miserable".

Oh! And one time I was closing the store, and she bangs on the door and was like "can I please rent a movie??" I told her that I had already closed down the computers so even if I wanted to, I wouldn't be able to.. well, she talks her way into the store and walks around looking at movies "so she'll know what to get tomorrow." Can you believe this woman?!

I don't know if that's how they do it in India, but it's definately not how they do it here in Downtown Portland hunny. Watch yo self. I see you on the street, I aint afraid to fight.

xoxo

Update: She just called to say she'd already seen one of the disks and needs to exchange it for the next one. Riiiiiight

Thank you, come again

William The Bloody V Mr. Weasley

2009-10-15T19:12:00.000-07:00

ATTENTION: This is a customer rant

Worst. Customer. Ever.

Dude comes in with some chick (they're probably in their late 30s) and the minute the guy starts talking I roll my eyes. I just knowww he's gonna be one of THOSE customers. (His voice is high pitched and he talks with a lot of enthusiasm.)

Our conversation:
Him: How much are your cheapest movies?!?!?!?
Me: $2.75
Him: OK! Comedy then!
Me: It's the last rack over there
..15 seconds later he comes to the counter with a movie..
Him: Please tell me this is the worst movie in your store!
Me: It definately isn't (it's Used Cars w/ Kurt Russel) So, I assume you don't have an account?
Him: Well I hope I still do!!
Me: What's your last name?
Him: Albright
..I can't find him in the system and he starts freaking out, so we try looking him up by his phone number instead.. He's in there all right..
Me: Yeah, you're in here under Ronald Albright
Him: Omg, well we will just have to change that! How embarrassing!!!

..he makes me change his name to Spike..

He fucking WISHES he was Spike

Somebody please explain to me, in what country is it more embarrassing to have Ron as a name than SPIKE? I really hope that dude never comes in here again. What a tool.

xoxo

Downloadable swin flu?

2009-10-04T12:43:00.000-07:00

I don't believe I mentioned this the first time around..

But I'm prone to internet viruses. About a month or two ago I downloaded a virus onto one of the work computers. (Thank you icanhazcheeseburger.com) I thought I was going to get fired, but surprisingly I didn't.. I didn't even get reprimanded! It's safe to say I didn't go on the internet at work for at least a week after that. I was scared shitless. It definately didn't stop any of my coworkers from going online though, so after awhile I started using the internet again as well. Everything was going fine until..

IT HAPPENED AGAIN

My initial reaction

Not only did it happen again, but it was worse the second time. (and thank YOU bmxonline.com.. or should I say.. rottentomatoes.com?)

It was so bad that the owners had to get a new computer and redownload all of our programs. We almost lost all of our customer information!! So, I know what you're thinking.. like, totally fired right? Wrong. I told one of the owners about how New York Times (I think) got the bug as well and everyone that went to the site downloaded the same virus that I did. It's spreading like wildfire! So, he didn't fire me. I didn't even get written up! BUT, there is a downside.. I can't really use the internet anymore because I only have it at work.. so I don't know when I'll be able to blog. Tear. I mean, I CAN sneak it and use it (like nowwww) but I'm too pansy and don't wanna risk downloading another virus because then I'm fired for sure.. and if they didn't fire me I would probably just quit.

So.. goodbye. I'll be seein ya.

xoxo

Polygamy Shmigamy

2009-09-25T19:41:00.000-07:00

New obsession? Chyeah!!

Monday night I started watching Big Love and today I finished the first season. It is SO fucking good. I'm taking home 5 new release movies tonight and I'm definately going to watch the 2nd season of Big Love before them. I can't get enough of this show! Too bad the 3rd season isn't out yet though :[

I am totally in love with Margene (played by the lovely Ginnifer Goodwin) she is by far my favorite wife.. even though she is extremely needy and whiney at times.. ok all the time. She's just so warm and loveable! My least favorite is Nicki (played by Chloe Savigney) she is a cold hearted bitch! ESPECIALLY to Margene! I hope one of the kids chops off her retardedly long braid.

This tv show even has me thinking about Polygamy! I'm not saying I plan on being a polygamist but.. well.. right now it doesn't seem too bad. So, that considering.. this has got to be a fanfuckingtastic television show to get me thinking about going from athiest to polygamist.

Visual feast? Enjoy

xoxo

Liz Lemon I IS you!

2009-09-19T15:15:00.000-07:00

If you need to know one thing about me it's that I am Liz Lemon in a taller, younger and 'thicker' form. I is her, she is me.

To prove my theory I'd like to make some points

1. We both eat in bed
2. We're extremely awkward
3. We have the same vocabulary
4. We stress eat
5. People constantly think we're gay
6. We both have little interest in stereotypical female interests
7. Socially retarded
8. Left wing politics
9. We do what Oprah tells us to do
10. We don't need glasses but wear them anyway

It is my personal belief that we could be good friends someday, and I think it's quite clear that I'm right in making that assumption.

And maybe even kinda from far away we almost sorta look alike?

xoxo

I can has a squinty eyed babies?

2009-09-19T14:29:00.000-07:00

I just fell in love.

I think her name was Ning Ning and she was no more than 4 years of age.

This is the closest I came to finding a picture of her on google

Imagine that thing walking around and talking.. well I saw it first hand.

I was minding my own business, taking old movies off the shelf at work and I hear a little voice ask "What yous name? What yous doin?" I look down and see a little asian child. I don't normally find anything Asian intriguing or attractive, especially children since I dislike them ALL, but this tot melllted my heart.

I play along and answer her questions, which are (in order): Why doooin that? I can haves one? What is re ranging? Why doings that? I dunno whats that iz? Hewwo?

I was sad to see her go.

I'll never forget you Ning Ning

xoxo

UPDATE! Ning Ning just came back with her memaw.. we talked about Diego. Then they left because she had to pee and could only hold it "for a little bit longer." Loooove

My Huckleberry Friend..

2009-09-17T19:44:00.000-07:00

I'm the type of lass that hates everything that everyone else loooves.

Just to prove a point..

But then somebody always gets me to come around and 'try the thing out' and I end up loving it just as much, if not more, than the central fan base e.g. Twilight, Marilyn Monroe, Sex and the City and now.. Breakfast at Tiffany's!

I was never one for Audrey Hepburn, for no real reason in particular.. mostly because a lot of people like her.. but the other night my roommate was talking about Breakfast at Tiffany's and how good it is and that'd I'd probably like it.. (I have her to thank for talking me into watching SATC) so I figured if she was right about that, she might be right about this one.. and she was.

Breakfast at Tiffany's is amazing, Holly reminds me so much of myself (whether that's good or bad I haven't decided.) You're sucked into the movie the second it comes on, and for such a well shot, quality movie, it's extremely racist, comparable to Gran Torino,.. just.. more subtle.. (which doesn't bother me one bit.) It's witty, pre-ironic (same thing?), and just fun to watch. I'm not sure if guys would enjoy it, but it's definately 'an all girls slumber party' type of movie.

Now I love Audrey Hepburn and plan on watching all her movies. New obsession? Chyeahhh

CAAAAAAAAAAT!!!!!!!

xoxo

The Inside Job

2009-09-14T14:04:00.000-07:00

If I could write a formal complaint to the owners/manager of this place about my coworker.. lemme tell you.. I would. I've had it!

(I guess you could consider this my informal complaint)

I self prescribe myself illegal medication to modify my mental state, and these little blue pills (or are they the red ones?) make me extremely tired the day after. If I don't have to work I usually sleep in until at least 2pm and then lay in bed all day and watch movies. Well, TODAY I did have to work. I got up at 9am and I could hardly keep my eyes open so I went upstairs to make coffee.. all out. Then I remembered I didn't drink my Starbucks from yesterday so I hopped in the shower, ate some facon and came to work.

I turn off the alarm, turn on the lights, clock in.. go to the fridge.. My.. my.. my Starbucks! It's.. GONE!

MOTHER FUCKERRRRR!!!!!!

I got so mad I was literally cursing up a storm and jumping up and down. If that wasn't a Veruca Salt outburst/tantrum I don't know what is.

This has happened on numerous occasions, and everytime it seems to be the time when I need my caffeine the most. It's comparable to coming home from a long days work and knowing you have 1 beer in the fridge, going to get it and then finding out your roommate drank it.

Brain, if you're reading this.. I know it was you. Of course you realize, this means war. I wouldn't leave anything in the fridge from now on..

Have you seen her?

xoxo

Ferrosh!

2009-09-07T13:51:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I finished watching Fierce People, this one flew waaaaay under the radar.

We got it in like a year and a half ago and the cover box was just.. all wrong, so that considering.. and that it was a strait to dvd movie (I think..) I decided to pass.. even though it has Diane Lane in it and I absolutely love her (and saw her walking around 2 years ago and followed her for 6 blocks..)

Here's the cover..

I knowwwww, right! It made me think.. a movie about stupid rich people.. nooo thank you.. but for some reason I decided to take it home the other night.. and I'm glad I did! It kind of reminded me of Igby Goes Down (my all time favourite movie along with The Goonies and Con Air) It was well cast and it had a few interesting plot twists, although it DID kind of just end abruptly. I fell madly in love with Donald Sutherland's character (ME, in love with an extremely old person? Odd.) and I kinda wanted Diane Lane's character to be my mother, even though she's a coke addict.. or.. was?

I'm going to give it a B-

Below I've supplied a visual feast, enjoy

xoxo

Louis Cypher

2009-09-06T15:49:00.000-07:00

POINT PLEASANT

Has ANYONE seen this show before?! I was putting movies away the other week and saw the cover of this tv show and was like.. this seems farmiliar and interesting.. I shall watch it! (I finished The L Word) And I was right, it was farmiliar, I saw the pilot episode way back in 2005, it was about the devil, good and evil and what not.. love the devil, so I decided to continue watching.. this show is sooo good. It only lasted for 1 season which sucks (half of the episodes weren't even aired!)

The plot is pretty much The Omen with a chick, and she tries to be good and not bad.. I LOVED the fact that evil wins in the end, AND it's actually scary! A scary tv show?! Unheard of! And, all the dudes in it are very nice to look at..

That's about it.. watch this.

xoxo

Come here often?

2009-09-04T19:06:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged in like 2 weeks.

Narf.

I've been in a slump lately.. I keep coming here to post and then nothing comes out.. I've watched soo many movies/tv shows, had so many obnoxious customers and I just can't seem to write about anything! Due to lack of clonazepam? I think so. But I just popped one so let's see how this goes..

(I've been meaning to rant about this for weeks now..)

After I ring a customer up I always ask "would you like a bag or receipt?" and most of the time their answer is "nah, save a tree!" Really? Because it takes an entire tree to produce a 2X4 inch piece of paper? ..AND I'm pretty sure plastic doesn't come from trees.. (right?)

OR they do this (which is even worse and makes me want to slit their achilles)

I'll do the monotonous 'bag or receipt' ritual and they say "no thanks".. then I'll walk away to put the movies on the counter by the door (so the movies don't beep going through the detector mabob) and then they'll say "oh yeah, a receipt" ..for fucks sake! Isn't that what I just asked you 20 seconds ago!? Why don't you say yes in the first place??? Customers do this countless times a day, so I'm like OK it's gotta be me.. I'll say receipt really loud.. results don't change.. I even started saying receipt BEFORE bag.. same thing..

I know it seems like such a small thing to flip out about but it happens so many times a day, everyday, that it's made it on my Top 10 Pet Peeves list..

Fuckin customers

xoxo

I'ma break yo fone

2009-08-20T22:11:00.000-07:00

A customer is waiting at the front desk for me..

He has that bluetooth headphone shit in his ear.. AND he's talking on his actual phone. Point of bluetooth being??? Anyway, I thought he was going to get off the phone.. I thought wrong.. this mother fucker stays on the phone the entire duration of checking out the movie. He literally doesn't say ONE word to me.

I ask for his last name and he just pushes his credit card towards me, so I eventually find him in the computer.. check the movie out to him and then asks if he wants a bag or his receipt.. he just completely ignores me and continues to talk on the phone! Listen mother fucker! Its awkward enough trying to ask you questions while you're talking to somebody else, but to IGNORE me! Don't be suprised if late fees pop up outta nowhere on your account you prick!

That is one of my biggest pet peeves! You do NOT talk on the phone while you're buying something.. I even think it's rude to just be walking around the store talking on the phone. I don't want to hear your conversation! I mean.. unless you're at Safeway or some big store where nobody can hear you.. then that's acceptable. But I could walk the length of this store in under 15 seconds.. so I hear EVERYYYTHING. Annoyyyyying!

I swear to god, the next time somebody is this rude I'm going to take one of our box cutters and shove it into their aorta.. while laughing.. and spitting on them..

This is what they're going to look like.. (pre blood spurting.)

xoxo

ROMCOM

2009-08-17T12:57:00.000-07:00

A ton of girls always come into my work asking what a good romantic comedy is, being a horror lover myself I'm always stumped. It's at times like this where a romantic comedy section would come in handy. So,.. I made one! (Ladies, you're welcome) I did all the research and labor all myself! I'm pretty pleased actually, it came out quite nicely! And it turns out I've seen most of the movies in the section, (which isn't completely surprising, as I've seen almost every movie ever made.)

Observe:

The racks aren't completely full because most of the 'better known' or 'classic' romcoms happen to already be in the Director's Section and my manager wouldn't let me take them out of it. THEN, we got into an argument about how Juno should be taken out because it isn't a romantic comedy. Well, I won and all our copies of the movie now live in the land of love and laughter.

Thinking about romcoms nonstop for a week strait got me pondering.. who's the queen of romantic comedies?!? I did a bit of googling and it's become apparent that most people have decided on 3 leading ladies. Meg Ryan, Sandra Bullock or Julia Roberts.. at first I decided that Meg Ryan got my vote. Then I realized, I wouldn't choose any of those actresses as the Romcom Queen! I choose..

Drew Barrymore!

She has got to be THE BEST! E.G. Never Been Kissed, Music & Lyrics, He's Just Not That Into You, Fever Pitch, 50 First Dates, Home Fries, The Wedding Singer, Lucky You (Romdramcom?) Not only has Drew been in as many, if not more romantic comedies than Julia Shmoolia and those other chicks, but she's been in better ones! Team Drew

xoxo

My 1st Recommendation!

2009-08-16T12:52:00.000-07:00

Fridays at my work we receive all the next week's new releases, so I get the chance to watch all the new movies over the weekend. This way I'm able to accurately recommend movies to my customers and not just be like.. "oh, I've never seen it so I don't know.."

WELL!!!! Friday we got a bunch of movies in and I took home The Last House On The Left and the 3rd season of Dexter (I'll post about that when I've finished it.) Then Friday night I watched Last House on the Left, I've never said this before.. but.. I think I kinda like it better than the Craven's original 1972 version!!

I usually HATE horror remakes, so I went into this thinking that it was going to be pretty bad. Much to my surprise it was wonderful! I came into work today and went to IMDB to read all the reviews people had written about it and most people seem to agree with me.. the only bad things people had to say about it is that it's completely different from the original (that's one thing I actually like about it, kept me guessing until the very end!) and that the rape scene was brutal and completely unnecessary. The rape scene was brilliant! It's totally up front in your face amazingness. I loved how they only filmed a few seconds of the actual rape, and then the camera went strait to the girls face. Caught every expression, sound and movement she made during the entire thing. (It's safe to say the rape scene lasted a good minute and a half or more)

It was brutal, bloody and brilliant. AND! There wasn't any nudity! Unless you count seeing the side of a butt. Usually nudity is a requirement in horror movies for me, but it didn't bother me at all. The only things I didn't like were how towards the end it became predictable for me and the very last scene was kinda lame and dispensable. I think it was them trying to get in their last little "hurrah" of gore into the movie. Bleh.

Besides those 2 things, I liked it a lot. I'll definately be recommending it to customers when it comes out on Tuesday.

xoxo

Spanky Wanky

2009-08-10T15:12:00.000-07:00

A short piece of non-fiction

The phone rings and a creepy Voice protrudes from the phone, "what kind of movies do you have?" says the man. The Girl, visibly frightened, whispers back "all kinds sir, is there one in particular you're looking for?" The Girl tries to get off the phone as fast as possible but the Voice keeps talking, asking questions. "Do you have XXX rated movies? Do you have movies about woman with natural hair? How dirty are your movies? Do you have toys?" The Voice, once solid at the beginning of the conversation is now a shaky breath, at this point The Girl on the other end of the line is confused and scared and tells the man to call back when he has a particular title in mind.

A few seconds pass, she's able to gather her feelings and try to forget about the call,.. The Voice. Just as she turns her back to the phone to start working again, the phone rings. "Hello?" It's The Voice again, firm and determined this time. "It's me, remember me? We just spoke.. are the movies you have dirty? What are their ratings? Do you have magazines there as well?" The Girl is rolling her eyes, she can't believe he actually called back. Wondering if this is some sort of prank call The Girl tells The Voice that there's another videostore with a broader selection of adult films, she politely gives him the number and hangs up the phone.

Another 20 seconds pass and the phone rings again. It's The Voice. He asks the same questions over and over, she gives in and just keeps answering question after question. The repetition goes on for approximately 3 minutes. The Girl wants to get off the phone, she never wants to hear The Voice again, she wants to scream through the phone and tell him to never call back. His voice is shallow now, cracking in the middle of sentences, he whispers "OK, I'm almost finished."

The Girl hangs up the phone, she stands there puzzled. "Did that really just happen?" she asks herself.. "Am I overreacting? Was The Voice just coming from an old and confused man?" She's shaking, she's upset, she goes back to work.

The man doesn't call back, but she'll never forget The Voice.

xoxo