An Education

My manager, convinced I'm a fantastic writer, is helping me pen my first novel.

I came into work today and my manager told me he had read my blog. Uh oh. To my surprise, instead of criticism I received praise! Hallelujah! He asked me "if you could write anything in the world, what would it be?!" Hmm.. of course I said Pulitzer Prize winning novel. Although he is believer of my writing abilities, he isn't too assured that my first novel would win the Pulitzer (in time he'll come around.) In the meantime, he's helping me with ideas for my book.

And so it begins..

We got about 3 pages of ideas down in just under an hour. We ARE a power couple. And I now have homework. Something I haven't done since Junior year of high school (I'm still trying to figure out how I earned that diploma.) He told me to reread all of my blog entries and take notes (I'll let you figure out what the book is about for yourself) which I started doing as soon as he left..

....[this is really what this post was meant for] I reread multiple entries and was left in complete shock. Really all I can say is, I have EVOLVED! Not just as a 'writer' but as a person. I can't believe how much I've changed over the course of the past year. Especially within the latter half of the year. It's a timeline of my emotions. I was such an angry person. Just.. mean, bitter, hateful, envious, RUDE. I can't believe some of the things I said. In all honesty, I could have said worse things, wrote more hateful things about people, but I'm genuinely embarrassed about the way I felt about the community. Don't get me wrong, I still dislike a large portion of the general idiotic population, and working in customer service, interacting with 'those' people comes with the territory, but I think now as I'm coming into my own, I don't feel the need to be as malevolent towards others. I'm sure the turning point in my attitude was my breakup last November, I blamed everyone else for MY problems, but as time goes on I'm able to look at things in a different light. I'm trying to be a happier person, and hopefully that shows in my writing and in the way I interact with customers. (Earlier I let 2 older women ask me 69 questions about my tattoos, [something I absolutely HATE] and I answered them all enthusiastically.) I'm not sure if the right word to use for the way I feel about my life, as it is currently, is "Happy" but I think "Content" is a good one to start with.

Don't think for one second that my unrelenting complaints are going to cease anytime soon. I'm not a completely changed woman.

Ma Haine Dure ;)


xoxo

The Good, The Bad, The Hiiiittin!

Let's get one thing strait: I grew up in the days of Waterworld and Anaconda.

Twister, Super Mario Brothers, Mortal Kombat, Hackers, Showgirls, Postman, Face/Off.. When I was younger those movies HIT! And I still love them all to this day. SERIOUSLY one of my favorite movies of all time is Con Air; a movie in which my boyfriends refuses to even consider rewatching. He says 'modern cinema has ruined my appreciation for the classics.' (this coming from a man who's favorite movie is U-Turn. JLO, gross!) And most people seem to have the same reaction. This got me thinking. WHAT THE FRACK?! Why do people keep shitting on all the good movies? Then THAT got me thinking 'what even constitutes a good/bad movie?'

I absolutely loathe most Criterion Collection movies, all that pretentiously artistic bullshit can kiss my ass. But those are presumably the "important classic and contemporary films." Ohhhh really?! For me, a good movie is one that you can watch over and over and enjoy every minute of. Not one you poke and prod. Not one you dissect! I get the whole "the lighting in this scene is brilliant" or the "look at how many things are going on at once in this scene!" I too am one that can appreciate those things, but generally I like to look at a movie as a whole. Not scene by scene. In the end it's about how the movie made me feel. If it was memorable or not. THIS is why I haven't seen most "classics."

There are certain movies out there that get so much praise that they just scare me off. You'd think the opposite right? "Ohh that movie sounded soo good, I'm going to watch it right away!" No, more like "That movie is supposed to be fantastic, I think I'll rewatch National Treasure 2 instead." As of late, this personal philosophy has put me in the doghouse. Major. When my boyfriend heard I hadn't seen Chinatown he literally cringed. When I said I also hadn't seen Lawrence of Arabia, Apocalypse Now, Rumble Fish, Full Metal Jacket or Casablanca he shook his head in shock, horror and utter disbelief. That's where the whole speech on modern cinema made it's first appearance. That's also how my "classic movies I have to watch or I'll most definately get dumped by the end of the week" list was developed. So far I've watched Rumble Fish and Apocalypse Now. (Rumble Fish, Meh. I think my favorite part was hearing Mickey Rourke's knee trembling voice. Apocalypse Now was fucking fantastic on the other hand. Best part, hands down, Larry Fishburne [before he was Laurence] dancing to The Rolling Stones.)

I honestly believe that I have good taste in movies (I DON'T like the dude who makes all those stupid Madea movies, that's gotta count for something) So, ok yeah, I like a good summer blockbuster, (Michael Bay, definately not overrated) but I CAN also grasp the significance of a movie like Picnic At Hanging Rock. I'm not an ignorant person and don't you dare judge me on my taste of movies (and music for that matter.) And, for the most part, you have to be in a certain mood to watch a 'good' movie! You, or I guess I, can't be tired and want to watch a John Huston film. Especially since lately I've begun to show signs of adult adhd the 'important' films are not ones that I tend to want to view. The only thing I've been in the mood to watch recently is RedTube. And even then, I find my mind wandering aimlessly.

Tonight I'm taking home Lawrence of Arabia, The Pillowbook and Fearless. But don't be fooled, the entire 3rd season of Sex and The City is in my purse as well.


xoxo

I'm Just NOT That Into Him

First of all: What the FUCK

I'm walking to work this morning and there's some Kevin Smith look-alike standing out front of my work. And when I say standing out front of my work, I really mean PLAYING HACKY SACK. I thought the only people that did that were the semi homeless Rastafarians you see at the Saturday Market circa 1998. (In some places it's called the Thursday Night Market. Like, say, if you're in California.) BUT NO. Here's some middle aged white man with his gut hanging below his tie dyed shirt and he's kicking around a fucking footbag at 11:45 in the goddamn morning.

Then, literally 40 seconds after I've unlocked the door and right before I've managed to turn the lights on, he pokes his stupid fat head in and asks "is it kosher if I come in?" A. NO. 2. Did you seriously just refer to something other than food by the word KOSHER? Because I think you just may have.

He comes in and says "goodmorning!" I don't even bother with a head nod. All I'm able to muster is an upward curve of the lip (more like quiver.) Then he gives me the whole "I just asked you a question! HAVE YOU NO DECENCY?!" look and heads strait for the Sale movies. Of course. No sooner had I taken my first (and much needed) gulp of coffee when he comes over with another question. "Yo, are you Stephanie?" The first thing I want to say is "Yeah, my necklace says Miranda because my name is Stephanie" but I realize, he must work for the company! On rare occasions a customer will ask my name, usually after I've been extremely helpful and witty, and in those instances I'll gladly allow them the pleasure of knowing my real name. But this was NOT one of those instances. My eyes dart back and forth between the extremely large stack of movies he's been piling up on the floor and the leftover donut sprinkles he's acquired on his upper lip. [Enter simulated slow motion vomiting] My mood changes as quickly as my younger sister's when she's refusen to take her Ritalin. He's so daft I highly doubt he notices my fake smile (aren't they all?) and oddly high pitched voice (which my boyfriend likes to refer to as my 'normal' voice.) I respond "Actually, I'm Miranda.. do you work for Videorama or is buying large amounts of movies just your hobby?" (I hold my breath.. if he works for this fucking company there's no doubt he's going to complain about me, which will only leave me with the excuse that I hadn't had my morning coffee so my attitude was to be expected.) "No, I used to work with Chris at the Alberta store but now I work at a used movie store up in Vancouver. I thought Chris said a Stephanie worked here, but I guess I got the name wrong." A sigh of RELIEF.

I've already altered my mood twice this morning, so I decide to stay in character. I'm gracious and friendly the rest of his 20 minute visit. This way I only end up feeling a little guilty about being a Grade A Bitch to him in the beginning of our initial interaction. Right before he leaves he gives me his card, he says it's for Chris but come on, we all know who it really was for. I kindly accept the card and give him one last smile, after all, he did just spend $120.

After this grueling experience I come back to Earth and realize what a FUCKING MESS the place is. Behind the counter especially. The dude with the glasses that works Saturday nights is giving me a fucking ulcer right in my BRAIN. I want to cut this guys nutsack off all Sons of Anarchy and then make him chew on them Chaos style. I don't know if you can tell from the pictures I'm about to upload but there are fucking pens and garbage all over the fucking floor. Not to mention he didn't even bother to put all the movies away AND that little prick graffitied all over my Zooey Deschanel picture. I'm gonna get him one day, and I'm going to get. him. good. I hope he enjoys playing World of Warcraft every night and never getting laid, because that's all he seems to be able to do right. Well, that and save stupid fucking pictures as the computer desktop.

xoxo

The Lovely Boner

I couldn't ask for better blog writing material.

You know those 'old man' crushes.. which may or may not (in my case) be synonymous with the 'daddy issues' crushes..? Yes well, I'm all too familiar with them. I'm immediately attracted to 40 year old men. As far as I'm concerned, they could be my cousin, I don't care whatsoever. Older men just do it for me. Beards, Mmmm. It goes without saying that I'm in love with about a 3rd of our customer base here at the old Videorama. At least. And you'll be damned sure that they are all at least 29. There's this ONE special customer though.. let's call him.. Hadley Forrester. (Is Hadley even a real name or did I just make that up?) We have lengthy conversations about 'adult' things (mainly my personal life) and we flirt. Except when he comes in with his girlfriend. Then, in that case, we flirt more. It's to be expected. I never liked his girlfriend, she's always extremely up tight, asks about my tattoos incessantly,.. and is old. (I'll tell you something she's not.. cute.) Except one time they came in and she was haaaaaammered. Then I liked her. But for that night only. I think she tried to hook me up with her son? (I know someone I'd like to hook up with, and his name starts with YOUR BOYFRIEND.)

Anyway.., Bradley, I mean Hadley, comes in and I make him rent Fantastic Mr. Fox, he's checking out the package so I do a hair flip and wink to give him the full experience. (I could teach Elle Woods a thing or two.) Then I ask about his girlfriend.. that's where things get interesting. "Oh, yeah my EX girlfriend. She just up and split. I have no idea what happened." Reh heh heeeeally! Apparently she said he was just 'too much' and packed her bags one day. Things are lookin up! I press him on the details and then he spills the juiciest gossip OF. ALL. TIME. (You ready for this?! Na na na..)

Hadley: "Yeah, she would actually always bring you up in our little bedroom fantasties."
(People want to BE me AND do me. Shocker! ..in more ways than one)
Me: "Wait, what? Fantasies as in sex and bedroom as in sex?"
Hadley: "Oh god,.. yeah. Sorry, that was too much information."
Me: "Oh no darling, not at all. Tell me more"
Hadley: "Haha I'll save the rest for later."

Any normal person would be creeped out (right?) and how typical that I'm beyond flattered and might be letting it go to my head. Definately, Actually. I guess it makes sense, their combined ages added up to like 90.. they got the 'hot young tart' fantasy going on. Enter me into the equation.. BLAMO!


On a side note, she actually turned out to be a lesbian. Surprise, surprise.


(My favorite old man of all time. Gary Oldman. MMM!)

xoxo

The Boat That Rocked

You know those rare movies you're lucky enough to watch that put a little skip in your walk? I fucking found one.

This morning I watched Pirate Radio before work and let me tell you, I will have a better day because of it. The last scene had me blubbering like a sodding idiot but not because it was sad, quite the contrary, blissfully happy. Right after it ended I blared The Rolling Stones and jumped and danced on my bed for a full 4 songs. It was that kind of movie. Music from the movie reigns supreme and the cast delights as they.. STOP, that's starting to sound like a legit review [by my standards anway.] This movie fucking rocked! Literally. It had me smiling, singing along, cheering on the djs and most importantly it made me want to TURN. IT. UP.

Everyone's snogging, making fun of one another, listening to music and having the time of their lives. It's such a happy movie. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that Philip Seymour Hoffman plays the best dj. (Almost Famous) Bill Nighy, Nick Frost, Rhys Ifans,.. BOOM BOOM AND BOOM!

Britain in the 60s.. what I wouldn't give to have been alive in those days.

xoxo

Year One

Holy shit

I literally just realized that I've had my blog for a year. Over a year actually. April 1st of 2009. I'm sure I started this as an April Fools joke and just went with it. You can add that to the list of reasons about what makes me so funny.

I can't believe I missed my blogs birthday. Shows you what kind of mother I'd be. (A really fucking rad one)

In any case,.. HAPPY FIRST BIRTHDAY, BLOG.

We've come a long way, baby.

xoxo

Sex and the Videostore

You know when shit happens in movies and you think 'only in a movie would this happen.' I've learned, especially in MY life, that the crazy shit that goes down in movies also tends to actually transpire in this little thing I like to call "Real Life."

I'm at work today (looking up shoes online, Clogs: Love em or leave em?) and this customer that I've always fantasized about comes in. He's older, has a solid name, is completely mysterious and possibly even wise. He looks like he just walked out of a J Crew catalog, which I'm totally digging for spring. I rarely ever speak to him because he's extremely intimidating and I'm a strong believer in enticing sans words (I hold firm to that) He never really makes too large an attempt to to strike up a conversation with me either, which is only further proof that my tactic is working. This morning, however, he asks "How you doin",.. omigod.

Of course I'm taken aback and jolted into a haze of disbelief but I manage to spit out "I feel like I'm on CRACK! Coffee! Is.. I has, so big! Hrrmm?" What a wide eyed wonder I've become. He starts laughing at my slurring, mumbling and the loud infliction I used when I said crack! because I'm super funny and really nice to look at. (Ok, we're off to a good start) "Well, I am soo hungover.." (Nice, he drinks. Something we can talk about over dinner) "..I was at my friends house up in the West Hills.." (Friends With Money, I'm liking this so far) "..I know a lot of big, famous, rockers.." (1. BARF 2. Art Alexakis hardly qualifies as a 'famous rocker' anymore) I'm finally able to get a word in so naturally I ask him if he got any poon. I believe my words were "Niiice, so.. you stick your P in any hot young V?" He shakes his head, and no not because he was sad it wasn't my V, but because!!!!!!....

"The funny thing about that is, yesterday was actually supposed to be my wedding day to a 'hot young V' but I called it off." JACKPOT!! I live for gossip. Characteristically I make him spill the beans on this lock, stock and barrel. The Bridezilla: Some 25 year old who wasted 5 years of her life teaching English to Asians. His Drink of Choice: Whiskey. How He Dropped the Bomb: She was cooking (unspecified) food and he walked in the room and said "I'm not going to marry you" and then she collapsed.

ZING! He started explaining that she was too young, he had always dated older women, and that he was 40(ish) and just now realizing he wasn't the marrying type. Additionally, he went on to explain to me that "as you get older it starts to become more about the brains than the body.." (common misconception) "It's about at the end of the day, coming home to someone that makes you laugh."

I succeeded in letting him know 3 things about me: A. I like older men "How disappointing, I only like older guys. I hope they don't all feel the same way." 2. (As of recently) I'm not the marrying type either "Marriage is for foolz anyway. It's like the whole kids thing, I never saw the point." 3. I'm single "I'm single."

For grins, earlier this morning while I was getting ready for work I was watching SATC (I've finally started rewatching the entire series. Getting ready for SATC2!) I was on episode two of the first season, Models and Mortals, it was about modelizers.. men who date the models.. the hot young women.. dating for the bodies and not the brains.. and toward the end Big tells Carrie "in the end it's about being with the person that makes you laugh." (Don't quote me on the exact words, but you get my point.) What a coincidence, I'm hilarious. I can only assume I'll be seeing more of this man that left his fiance at the alter (what a keeper huh?)


xoxo

Only Me

Apparently when I think I'm being nice I'm not.

When I got to work today my manager immediately spilled the deets to me about his worst customers of the day and started cracking ugly jokes. It's how we bond. After mentioning to him how glad I was that I never go out of my way to be nice to someone (unless, of course, I know I can get something from the person. Survival instinct. We can't all be blessed with it) he blurted out "I've gotten two complaints about you in the past two days. From two different people. Both of them said you were always grumpy." Looooves it. It's times like these I'm glad I don't care what people think about me (if I did would I be nicer?) He didn't want to tell me who the customers were for fear I would make sure to be especially nasty to them on a regular basis (he knows me so well) but I coerced him. (I've learned that threatening people always works out in my favor)

He told me the first person's name and I had no idea who he was talking about, so it's very likely that I was "grumpy" to this person. When he mentioned the second name I was blown away! I had always believed that I was nice to this person. Always. Mainly because he's black and kind of because he's cute. I'd even seen this guy on my walk to work earlier and managed a slight wave and tilt of the head. Something I never do,.. usually when I see a customer on the street I walk the other way.. So, what the crap?

1. I could start being fake nice to him so he'd be all like, what was I saying? She's such a lovely lady. How could I have thought she was grumpy?! 2. Stay the same? Meh.. 3. Being rude has always seemed to treat me right.

And that was just the beginning of my work day. A little later (after Chris had left of course) this woman opens the door and kind of just stands there with movies in one hand and her phone in the other. I get the feeling that she's about to cry. Aaaand she does. WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO, I'm not one for consoling. So, I do the most logical thing. Just stand there until she stops. She eventually hands me her movies and tells me they're late and that she has more late movies that she won't be able to return until the next day. OK OK no problem! And do you KNOW what she says!! (After she starts crying again of course)

"My mom's dying."

Seriously? You're gonna do me like that? What can you do? I'm not a monster, I deleted her late fees.

xoxo

Why So Sarcastic?

Talk about ruining a lady's self esteem for a good 3 months. A 'friend' (and by friend I mean not a friend) was just in and we were bouncing banter off one another's platter when he said something about me gaining weight. HOLD THE PHONE.

"I've just you know.. noticed that you've gained some weight. No big deal, it's probably your birth control"

"I'm not on birth control you shit stain!"

"Well I was just saying, I noticed it a little in your jowls. It's ok, I've gained some weight too. You can still be hot if you're chunky!"

"Yeah, there's a lot of sexiness under these rolls of mine."

First of all, who uses the word JOWLS anymore? Seriously who says that? Second, I just got called fat. Basically. What is up with my 'friends' these days?! I'm constantly referring to them with quotations when I call them friends, they say I'm not funny when really I am, they call me immature when infact I'm very wise for being only 22 (I'm a Democrat) and as of late they believe me to be boxed in the overweight category. And people wonder why I deleted my Facebook and Twitter (other than the main reason being I stalked my ex boyfriend waaaay too much. Like, "eat ice cream out of the carton in bed and cry to movies we used to watch together" too much. Things I still do to this day.)

Under any normal circumstances this little comment would have left me running towards my fridge for Flamin' Hot Cheetos (yes I keep my chips in the fridge) and pickles dipped in champagne.. but this wasn't any normal circumstance. Oh no it wasn't. Right before my friend called me Gigantic, two 18 year olds came in asking where a payphone was, and I'm pretty sure those haven't existed since 1993 so I let one of them use our phone. But then he couldn't remember his grandpa's phone number, so I let him plug his charger into my outlet (eh eh eh) and after I gave him his phone back, guess what he threw at me! A bunched up 5 dollar bill. Psh yeah. Talk about lucky day. I'm gonna use this sucker to buy me a cocktail at the Say Anything concert that I just so happen to be attending tonight. (ALONE might I add.) I plan on getting crosseyed drunk and taking home the very married Max Bemis. That little Eisley bitch better watch her skanky back. Out on the prowwwwwwwl.

Yummayyyyyyyyy


xoxo

Top of The Line

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Ode to Flesh

Last night a friend and I watched Taxidermia. I definately went into it thinking it was going to be some high gore high tension type of movie. Boy was I in for quite the surprise. (It was NOT a horror movie btw) In the very first scene some guy blows fire out of his penis. Then he has sex with a pig carcass. So, first impression: AWESOME. Then I got confused because it went strait to all these overweight people (and when I say overweight what I really mean is fat as fuck dudes) in an eating contest and for a good chunk of the movie the plot was about that.. then it started becoming about an extremely creepy and perverted taxidermist. Huh? I needed Clarissa for this one. After the movie had ended I was laying in bed thinking over and over about the plot and what I had 'missed' and now I'm pretty positive I got the whole story down. So I'm not dumb. Take THAT nerds!

All in all I'd say it was a pretty interesting movie. Someone called me alternative yesterday (I know right! News to me that people still use that word to describe people) so I'm assuming it's a type of movie that "MY" people would like.

Graphic nudity: Check! Obese people having sex: Check! Self induced vomiting: Check!

My friend said that the movie reminded him of Delicatessen, and in a way I suppose it does have that feeling of some of those 'oddball' French films, but this one had more "ick!" factor and less "that was one quality film!!" factor. And it was Hungarian.

Definately worth the watch.

xoxo

C'est moi!

Jeunet est génie, non ?




*And yes I acknowledge that the videos are coming out weird but no I don't know why

xoxo

BlindSided

Googling people of the opposite sex. We all do it. Working at a videostore I meet a lot of oddballs, and if they're interesting enough I usually end up googling or facebooking them once they have left the store. (Not so much the latter anymore, I'm on a facebook hiatus) This has worked in my favor many a times. And rarely is the person I'm internet stalking even someone I'm romantically interested in. Just someone I want to know more about.

"That last name sounds all too farmiliar.. I think they're famous.. they sound like they know how to get on the 'in' with Timothy Hutton. BLAMO!"

Wehh he helllllll.. YESTERDAY, I'm talking to this guy. He likes blood & guts (win) he's not obsessed with Asian cinema like most avid movie watchers seem to be (win win) and he's new to the area and doesn't know anyone I know (major win.) We bonded over my love of pickles (I keep the fridge at work stocked) and how epic the trailer for Clash of The Titans is. So I'm thinking, "Cool, a f-r-i-e-n-d!"

He leaves and I immediately google him. (He mentioned earlier that he was in a band and I didn't wanna be all like "omg omg which one?!" because really I don't care all that much.. but he wasn't all trying to tell me which one, which got me curiouser and curiouser, so I just had to find out for myself.)

Fucking, he forgets something and comes back and that motherfucker catches me googling his ass. I looked like a deer in headlights.

I used my favorite 'this can't be happening, I'm so confused, why am I so awkward, what do I say?!' line "IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE." Tried and True.

Warning: Do NOT google someone unless you are absolutely positive they have left the vicinity. For good.

xoxo

Alternative to 69

SOOO much ass to mouth.




xoxo