Life

xoxo

Smiley Face

Friday night, last customer of the night.. "Find me a good movie and I'll give you a present."

Well, I found the guy TWO good French horror movies and what I got in return?.. A perfectly rolled joint. I've had many conversations with this customer (we're even friends on Facebook, doh!) so I wasn't surprised at all that this is what he gave me.

I had planned on going out to Matador that night to hang out with one of my ex flings, so I told my new favorite customer to wait a bit so we could grab a beer on the way. He stood outside for 10 minutes while I closed up shop and then we went to Le Happy for a quick drink and some friendly conversation. (He's actually very familiar with Pismo Beach [where I'm from/moving back to] so we actually had shit to talk about. No awkward silences!) I didn't light up the joint while I was with him (rude?) because after I smoke weed my brain pretty much shuts down, and I had a long night ahead of me (and I'd already popped a valium).. so I saved it. For last night!

BLAMO! I smoked that doobie so hard last night and I GOT SO FUCKING HIGH. Usually when I smoke, I eat a lot of peanut butter and then pass out. Well last night I was able to put in a movie (Old School) and watch a majority of it. I was so stoned I convinced myself that Will Ferrell completed his scenes infront of a green screen. I got 'laugh at unfunny shit' high. I still have about half an inch of that joint left and I'm going to smoke it ALL tonight. BEST. WEED. EVER.



xoxo

xXx

Watching porn at work is sooo hard to do here. Especially since there's a window right behind the computer so people walking by outside can look in and see what I'm doing online.

Well today I tried watching this n00dz video a friend sent me (he said he thought it was me at first) so I just had to watch it. And in all honesty.. this 'emo chick getting fucked on webcam' DOES look like me. A LOT.

And of course the first scene is some dude eating out this twin of mine. And OF COURSE my computer freezes at that exact moment and a wave of people walk by outside. I had to throw my body across my computer like I was blocking it from a Bullitt. I wasn't able to close the screen for a good 3 minutes. I did try and watch some more bits and pieces of it though.. and daaaaamn, that girl GETS IT! (And gives it)

NSFW! Incase you're interested in what I probably look like blowjobbing someone..

xoxo

Errry Day I'm Tumblr'in

I got a Tumblr for the inbetween.

http://www.murderanda.tumblr.com/

xoxo

Just Around The River Bend

I should have looked once more.

Yesterday my best friend Allie woke me up to a text "We're going to go float down the river. So wake up." (I had planned on laying in bed all day and watching movies, but I decided to agree to do something different.) We go buy beer and Mike's Hard Lemonade (her beverage of choice) and then head to the river. We brought everything we needed, life jackets, Sunblock [spf 80!] a cooler, sunglasses and a rape whistle. It was my very first time floating down the river (I'm afraid crocodiles are going to eat me so I never go more than eyeBALL deep. Thanks Lake Placid!) To my surprise it's extremely fun. There were some rapids which freaked me out but turns out they're actually exciting to go over. Except, somehow we always managed to get shot strait to the side where all the trees/branches were.

An hour into it we see our first group of people. Six guys actually. We 'tried' to paddle away from them but we accidently got too close. (Close enough to see if they were cute or not.) We all trade glances and then float on (alright. already.) then I hear "HEY! Do you work at Videorama?!" I would just like to point out that I am on a raft, in the middle of the river, 35 miles away from my work. And I STILL manage to run into a customer. I tried to get their name so I could look them up at work but by that time we were too far away to hear. Half an hour later I have to pee so we pull up onto a little island in the middle of the river, I pee in it, then bend over to get back in the raft and I hear six loud guys scream "NICE ASS!! WOOHOO!!" Why thank you gentlemen. I do squats daily. At this point we're pretty much all floating together, it was the current, not our intention. A little while later our destination was in sight and the water was only waist deep so I decided to get in and swim with some of the other guys. This is where things get interesting..

I jump in, it's not that cold but the water is really fast and I couldn't really stand. I got kind of freaked out at how fast and strong the current was (and I didn't have a lifejacket on) so I decided to try and walk/swim over to Allie who at this point had dragged the raft to shore. I yelled at Allie that I couldn't stop because of the current. It was funny at first. I was laughing, she was laughing. But I really couldn't stop. Then the water got really deep and I got really scared. I couldn't really stay above the water and I started screaming. But I saw a huge slab of concrete in the water and it was only 30 feet away and people were jumping off of it so I thought "Thank god, I'll slam into that and be able to climb ontop of it." Well that couldn't have been further from what happened. Yes, I did slam into it but I didn't climb ontop of it. I got sucked under the water. Now, I'm under the water, trying to reach the top, I look up and I can see that there's about a foot of water above me. I tried swimming as hard, as fast as I possibly could to the top. The only thing I thought was "Not now, not like this." Then I realized I was about to die by drowning and I opened my mouth to welcome the water into my lungs. JUST as I had closed my eyes and given up I felt a hand pull me up and hold my head above water while the guy swam to shore. "The Guy" turned out to be an eleven year old boy named Dakota. Out of all the people that were on the shore at the time, an eleven year old was the one to jump in the water and save my life.

I still feel sick from all the river water I consumed and I still cry when I think about it (it happened YESTERDAY, and I still came to work.) I tried calling my mom and grandma to let them know what happened but my whole family is at a Family Reunion in Montana where there isn't any cell phone reception. (Ha, everyone gets back and my friend Allie has to tell them, hey guys, how was the trip? Miranda died.)

Ironic, I feel, that Friday I spent the morning in the bathtub practicing holding my breath. And then spent the afternoon at Barnes & Noble where I purchased "The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying" because I have a fear of dying.

At least now I know I want to live.

Pre Near Death Experience Photos

A lot of good those life jackets did.

xoxo

MISERy

Tell Jesus THE BITCH is back!

This woman and her awkwardly tall husband started coming back into the store. They STILL have a $2 late fee they refuse to pay but I just don't want to deal with them more than I have to so I turn a blind eye. Well the HO crossed the line today.

She walks in and says "Wow, that tattoo of the flower on your arm is so pretty!" "Thanks.." "Show it to me" ..I show it to her.. "Oh, eww never mind." ..and she walks away and proceeds to tell her husband who is a whopping 12 feet away from me "At first I thought her tattoo was pretty but I looked at it closely and it has a zombie woman attached to it! Yuck."

First of all, she doesn't like zombies so she's even lamer than before. And it's a pretty zombie girl to boot! (I didn't think she could suck any harder! Although I'm sure her husband wishes she did.) AND WHO SAYS THIS OUTLOUD TO SOMEONE?! Have some tact woman!

Christ, this woman really gets to me. Whenever I see her face I just want to cut it off. I have a feeling she has a tramp stamp. And not the cool kind either.

xoxo

She obviously has no idea what she's talking about. (Why do I care so much?!)

P.S. Two guys walked into my work today and ask me to take picture of them together. (Definately a first) So I do.. then the guy turns around and takes a picture of me, says thanks and then leaves. Again, is this a flattering or insulting joke type of thing? I'm skeptical. At least if the picture shows up online I am fully clothed. (Which is more than I can say for the pictures I took this morning)

P.P.S. Mark Waddles was just in :] He knows me by name. FLIRT FLIRT FLIRT. Google the man.

Me Without You

Because I can.


xoxo

Videorama's Finest

Either I'm the best prank puller ever or I just think I'm the funniest person alive.

Earlier today my manager was on the phone with a customer and I walked by the computer. I immediately noticed he had been right in the middle of writing an email when he stopped to answer the phone. I didn't even bother to check to see who the email was to, I just wrote the first thing that came to mind. (Cocksucking is my life.) I pressed 'Enter' about 30 times so it would be hidden at the very bottom of the email. His back was turned at the time so he hadn't noticed a thing and I tried my hardest not to laugh. (I'm really funny and just THINK hilarious things so I tend to laugh at myself all the time.)

He Hung up the phone. The time had come, would he notice what I wrote? Would I get away with this brilliant prank? Well kids, the answer to that is YES, yes I did get away with it.

He came over to the computer, wrote one last sentence, scanned over the ENTIRE thing and hit SEND. I didn't know what to think, surely he had seen what I wrote! (No, he didn't) Fifteen seconds after he sent it I asked "Did you really just send that?!" and fell down (literally) laughing. "WHAT DID YOU DOOOO?!" (The look on his face was priceless.) He went back to the sent email and then saw what I had written. We both laughed until we cried. Then he informed me who the email was to; an old gay guy who has had the hots for my manager for over 2 years. HOW PERFECT IS THAT!!! The ONE email I choose to defile and it's to a guy who wants to put his peen in my manager's booty. He quickly wrote him another email saying "Sadly, while cocksucking is not my life, it does happen to be my coworkers (who was the one to write that.) Miranda has now been fired. Sorry to get your hopes up."

We continued to laugh for a good 10 minutes after the whole incident. Clever is me.

xoxo

The "C" Word

It is official. My last day at Videorama will be August 11th 2010. (California here I come!)

Sad. I've been here since April 2008. This is the longest job I've ever had. When I told my manager I was for sure moving the first thing he said was "We have to get hammered at work together before you leave." DONE!

I shall carry on with my legacy and create a new blog after I move. I'll be going to a.. 'specialized' school in October so I have a pretty good idea what my next blog will be about :]

All in due time kids.

(Don't worry, this isn't my final entry.)

xoxo

How High

Am I going to get?..

I just smoked a fatty bowl for the first time.. AT WORK (let's not kid ourselves here, I smoke the pot all the time. Hence the 5lb weight gain.) I drink and down opiates at work (like there's no tomorrow) because well, they make me seem more normal than I would otherwise. I can still function on them. I never ever smoke pot unless I'm alone in bed. Because I CAN'T function on it. I turn into a zombie and zone everyone out. (This isn't going to be good for the customers)

But I've been extremely stressed out because of the move (skoolz for foolz!) so I decided to keep weed and a pipe with me at all times. Today it came in handy. Now instead of being stressed I'm paranoid. Good choice Miranda.

I'll update any interesting "Miranda's high at work" situations throughout the day..

UPDATE: Nothing interesting happened. It was too slow. I think I gave a customer too much money, and mumbled a lot.. and devoured about 69 pounds of food. Good thing I brought beer.

xoxo

The Girl Who Couldn't Grow

A few months ago I wrote that I was thinking about moving to California (ANAL PENETRATION) I decided not to go for 'numerous reasons' and when I say numerous reasons I mean there was only one thing preventing me from moving. And that was the hope of seeing my ex boyfriend one last time when he came to visit. (When will this yearning end? I'm tired of relating to Taylor Swift songs!) Well, he hasn't visited yet. And I doubt he even plans on seeing me when he does so,.. Away We Go..

I talked to my grandmother earlier today and she said she would love for me to move down to California to live with her (I can't bring Kitty though!!) and I would most likely have to enroll in school. We are going to figure out all the major/minor details tomorrow. (HOW am I going to get there?!) Road trip anyone? Gas is on me.

I'm moving because I feel stuck. I'm not growing in Portland and I don't want to be miserable and work for min. wage the rest of my life. My friend said it's a common misconception that 'changing your surroundings' will help you achieve what you think you can and hope to accomplish.. And he says that I'm also running away. Uh doiii! Even I can see that. Yes, yes I am. I am running 862 miles away. And it still feels too close.

Consider this my 1 month notice. My blog will shortly come to an end. But maybe I can start a new one? "Shit My Grandma Says?"

I'll literally be living 3 blocks from these places. How could I resist?


Stay Tuned

UPDATE: I convinced my grandmother to let me take Kitty Meow! And my friend Jesse (AKA Beats Off, [who recently moved down to California] might drive up here just to drive me back down there. Aren't road trips the best?)

xoxo

One Missed Call

Think they'll OBEY?

I even laminated the fucker

Hopefully this sign prevents at least a quarter of the customers from coming up to check out while still literally in the middle of a conversation or answering their phones right in the middle of a transaction.

What do you wanna bet that someone will take this down tomorrow [because I won't be here]? ("Don't want to 'offend' the customers!") Fuck that shit.

UPDATE: Fail. Ten minutes after I put the sign on the counter a woman came up talking obnoxiously loud on her phone. She forced me to ring her up while mid conversation. (Hello phantom $3 late fee.)

PS. How sad is it (on a scale of 1 to My Ex Boyfriend Has a Relatively 'New' Girlfriend) that I really want the Eclipse soundtrack? (Leave me alone, I like the Metric song)

xoxo

Dear Diary,

It's me again.

I just wanted to let all of my concerned/faithful readers know that I've decided to halt production on my second blog. For now.

I don't know what my plan was with that one, but hate fucking comes to mind when trying to describe my writing.

"Jack rabbit sex, you know, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow."

xoxo

Diary of The Dread

A few things that have been irritating the shit out of me lately:

1. Customers farting
2. Customers forgetting their pin number
3. Customers singing along to the radio
4. Customers asking "what's that movie with that actress?"
5. Customers taking a rediculous amount of time figuring out if they want their movies for overnight or 5 days

1. I'm not kidding. People keep farting in my work. And the farts are crazy loud too. Earlier today an old dude farted sooo loud. It sounded like he pooped his pants. I wanted to try and pretend like nothing happened, but I laughed. Out loud. So THAT was awkward. And not too long ago an 84 year old woman farted too. What's up with the old people not being able to hold their farts in?! Pinch your cheeks guys! Wait until you're outside! Not only does it make this 50X50 box smell like dead bodies but it's also awkward for me. Customers probably walk in and think it's me. Not cool.

2. Earlier today I told a woman to enter her pin or "secret code" as my manager likes to call it. Her response: I never ever remember my pin. Uhh, why don't you fucking make one you WILL be able to remember then!? It's FOUR numbers. It's a PIN. The customer right after her hadn't been in to rent a movie in over 2 years and he remembered his pin.

3. There are at least 5 people a day that walk around the store singing along to the radio. What normal person does that? And it's not like these people have good voices, they have terrible voices. What inclines these people to humiliate themselves in public like this!? To me, it's the same as walking around talking to yourself. You look and sound like an idiot. Sometimes when people are singing loud I go over and turn off that radio. That'll show THEM!

4. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Someone will ask me "Hey what's that one movie that came out this year?" or a question similar to that. ("What's the movie with Helen Mirren?" "Do you have any of the Matt Damon movie in?") ARE YOU SERIOUS?! Usually I know the answer because I'm crazy smart and have a miraculous brain but still. The most annoying thing ever. (While I was typing this, a woman with stupid long fingernails came up and asked me "What's that movie with Tina Fey in it?") Sometime's I'll just give the customer the answer they're looking for, but if I'm in a particularly bad mood I'll be mean. Well, maybe not mean but I'll stick it to em. "Do you honestly expect me to answer that? You want me to give you the name of a movie you're looking for with just the actor's name? Yeah because I can read your mind and know what you're talking about. Lucky for YOU, I do know what movie you're talking about. But ONLY because I know your kind and can read you like a poorly written Miley Cyrus autobiography. (Should it still come as a surprise to me that my manager gets non stop complaints about me?)

5. Back in March the 'management' (and I use that word loosely) came up with a plan. (A poorly thought out plan.) $2 for overnight rentals and $4.99 for 5 day rentals. Now I have to ask every single customer if they want their movies for overnight or for 5 days. Sometimes the customer will already know what they want (thank god) but most of them just look at me like I'm speaking Mandarin. They will seriously stand at the counter, while a line is forming behind them, and take 5 minutes deciding what they should do. I usually tell them to take it overnight because most of the time it's cheaper for them (smart thinking Videorama) but they just can't seem to comprehend the words coming out of my mouth. (Today a dimwit made me break out a god damned calculator for him so he could figure out the cheapest way. OHMYfuckingGOD)

On a different note; I just bartered someone's $2 late fee for 2 Red Bulls. I'm that good.

xoxo