The Fairly Odd Child

I get a lot of kids in this joint.

Most of them babies.. that cry.. I hate babies/children in general, so when they cry.. it's war. The battle usually ends with a victory for me, by the time the child leaves they've usually learned the act of sticking out their tongue at strangers (thanks in large part to moi!) I will admit that there are some kids that come in here that I genuinely enjoy seeing, but those are few and far between.

Anyway, two dudes come in today and they each have a kid. One boy, one girl.. they're both probably 7 or 8. The boy is just WEIRD (he likes The Bee Gees, wtf?!) and the girl I've never seen before but she's wearing a rainbow printed dress so we can only assume that she's already a lesbian.

I tried avoiding them the whole time they were here but the kids kept asking me fucking questions about movies. Like where Saturday Night Fever was, I say Cult and the boy doesn't know how to say cult.. so I try explaining "it's like cunt but with a L instead." Then the primalesbian takes it to a WHOLE new level.

Kid- "Hi, what's your name?"
..at this point she holds out her hand.. WHAT THE FUCK?! Do I shake her hand? It's so small, have you ever shook an eight year old's hand?? It's like the size of my palm, fucking awkward
Me- "Miranda"
Young person- "Hi, I'm Faith*"
Me- "Hi Faith"
Child- "What's your favorite animal"
Me- "Starnosed mole"
Juvenile- "Oh, cool.. mine's a horse, I love horses! I ride horses all the time because my mom's friend has horses so I ride those and it's so fun!"
..I ignore her for a few seconds..
Bambino- "I bet you could ride horses too! Just go to a public stable!"
Me- "Like oh my god, you're probably right! I love horses too!! OMG OMG!"
..then she walks away..

Lucky for her she didn't catch onto my sarcasm, lucky for ME because I was able to capture a picture of her. Observe:

Now, it sounds like I HATE children and I'm absolutely evil and am constantly mean to them. That's not necessarily true, it's just that most children have an anti-kid radar and sense me from a mile away and know to steer clear of me.. so in retrospect I don't interact with children all that much.

I'm NOT evil! I'm just missing that child sensitivity chip that most people seem to have..

*Names have been changed

xoxo

Porno on Primetime

Shazam!

I'm thinking that if I want more people to read this then I have to start adding more pictures. Something more visually stimulating, a bunch of naked lesbians hugging maybe? I dunno.. I'm just sayin..

But actually the lesbian picture is relevant, it's a promo picture for the show The L Word on Showtime. I just started watching it since I recently finished Sex and the City (that's a whole other post.) My manager said this is like a homosexual version of SATC set in Los Angeles.. then he added that there was strong nudity and sexual content. SOLD!

The first episode was 2 episodes combined so it was like a movie and I got kinda bored of it. But then last night I watched episodes 3 and 4 and found myself oohing and aahing, it IS actually very good! Apparently it's tres chic to be a lesbian! Sign me up! (My boyfriend doesn't like it AT ALL though, I'm beginning to think he only likes movies/tv shows with dudes in them. He hates SATC AND The L Word! WTF!?)

I started bonding with the characters very quickly, taking sides and talking trash. Alice Pieszecki (played by Leisha Hailey) is my favorite so far, in the beginning I didn't like her, but after the 2nd episode her personality started shining through, beyond the rest of the cast's. And that's saying a lot considering how many damned characters there are. Though there are a ton of different people and various plots, it's not hard to keep track of what everyone's doing, not to mention WHO they're doing.. which is nice.

Five minutes into the first episode I saw 2 vaginas and 4 boobs (cue raised eyebrow).. this is going to be a wonderful show.

Jesus christ, I DOOO sound like a lesbian. Bi-curious maybe ;]

xoxo

Do they serve beer in heaven?

..and if they do, is it on tap? (I'm hopeful)

After what just occured I'm almost certain I'm going to heaven. (As I was typing that I choked on my coffee and spit it out everywhere, sooo maybe I'm not.)

BUT! Hey, if there was a heaven, and I believed in it, I think I'd be going there.. assuming this one good deed makes up for a lifetime of very bad ones.

A woman was just in and her total was $3.99 and she gave me two fives, on accident I'm assuming. (This hot weather is really getting to people!) I push one of the fives back toward her and then give her $1.01 in change.. she only takes the dollar and penny and pushes the extra five dollar bill my way. It occurs to me that she still hadn't realized she gave me an extra five dollars, and instead of keeping it like any other broke 21 year old would do, I holler at her.. (yeah boiiiiiii) and I give her back her five and tell her she had accidently given me too much.. but that I'd gladly take the extra money as a tip for being wonderful. As is to be expected, she doesn't let me keep it. I guess it's better to feel good about one's self than to pocket a little extra cash now and then.. right?

I'm still trying to convince myself I did the right thing..


Do as Spike Lee would do















xoxo

Blueray Shmueray

This falls under the "For the Love of Christ, Read!!" category as well..

So I had a customer half an hour ago and she brings me up a stack of movies and they're all blueray.. she's walking around looking like a giraffe in a babyshower so I ask her "you know these are blueray right?" Needless to say she has no idea what I'm talking about. So I have to go around the entire store and get the movies she wanted in regular format and then put the blueray ones away.. AND she didn't have a mother fucking account. This chick made me want to scream and cry, I almost lost my balls there for a second. (So I made faces behind her back, soo not juvenile.)

Countless customers do this daily. What? You can't read the fucking sign above the section that says BLUERAY?!?! And a lot of customers don't even knowww what blueray is.. where have YOU been?! It's like they all just flock to this special section with tunnel vision in tow and think that those are the only movies we have in the store. Look aroundddd you!! It's like they've never been into a videostore! (Don't get me started on that one.)

This one particular woman though.. god, she got so far under my skin that when she left I went strait to blog it but ended up just staring at the screen for 69 seconds.. I could feel my charming mood changing.. it went from good to gone in 60 seconds. She gave me a writing block for crying out loud! (Atleast that's my excuse if this post pigeonholes itself under the boring and completely unfunny subdivision of my blog.)


I need a clonazepam and an ice cream cone


STAT!







xoxo

Customer a la nuit!

A customer came in about 40 minutes ago and throws LA VIE EN ROSE in my face. Why good day to you too my dear sir! What may I ask can I do you for??

Apparently he couldn't figure out how to work the subtitles on his dvd player, but alas, he blames the movie and not himself nor the machine! He says that this one particular copy of the movie just didn't come with the English subtitle option as the back of the movie so clearly states.

Monsieur please!

I try (in my nicest tone!) to tell him that it's not possible. That there ARE in fact English subtitles on the movie and he just wasn't able to figure out how to do it. Then he goes and blames the store for his troubles!

Oh no he di'int!

Finally, fed up, I throw in my towel. I give the man a credit for another movie. But I have the last laugh you see! I leave a note on his account calling him an idiot! HA! Take that!

Ancient Fool - 0
Miranda - 1



Ahh, perhaps it's a tie.. I did give him another rental and all..
C'est la vie, c'est la vie..







xoxo

Confucius say..

READ!


For the love of god, if there's a sign.. READ IT

When you first walk into the store there's a slot cut out of the front desk with a sign that reads: DROP BOX. But apparently the People of Portland haven't yet learned to read because I constantly get the question "Is this where I drop my movies off?"

No, that's absolutely NOT where you drop your movies off, there's just a hole there for no reason whatsoever.. and you know that sign there that reads that that's where you drop off your movies? Yeah, well that's there for no reason either. It just says that to confuse you.

Actually, let me SHOW YOU the drop box and you tell me if it's blatantly obvious or I'm just rediculous and my complaint holds no merit..

Thaaaaank you and goodnight

xoxo

You fools! All of you!

What in the world?!

Some time ago, I heard about this amazing movie. Like.. AMAZING. I'd seen bits and pieces of it but never really took the time to watch it.. that is.. until last night.

Bitches and broads, I watched.....

AMERICAN PSYCHO

Ummm, I'd give it a C+ at best.

I don't understand what the hell everyone has been talking about. I got so tired of this movie that I got up and literally brushed my teeth. It was boring, it was confusing, and what was with the end? Is Paul Allen really mother fucking dead?!? I'd like to think that I'm one of those people that are able to comprehend confusing movies, but I definately did not follow this one. Maybe it was just oversold, (or maybe the fact that I dislike Christian Bale has something to do with it..) I went into it thinking it was going to be amazing and what I got was a huge letdown. As the credits started rolling, I rolled over and started analyzing the movie.. then I thought.. If I was watching tv, and American Psycho came on, I'd switch the channel! I'd rather watch Mtv's 16 and Pregnant than this movie!

I will give it some credit though, if one of the underlying themes/tones was that everyone's the same.. looks alike, acts alike.. then they cast it well. I couldn't tell one actor from the other. I liked the blood/killing.. the three way sex scenes caught my attention.. (as did Huey Lewis & the News)..

Is there something here I'm not getting? Is this movie one big joke and I'm just that one blonde bimbo in the group that doesn't understand?

I'm so confused

Dare I say.. I guess I just.. didn't.. "GET" it.

xoxo

Creme de la Creme

A few months ago I started a "Miranda's Picks" section

Observe:

The movies change sporadically but I've always kept Igby Goes Down on the rack. I can't bring myself to take it down,.. I don't have a favorite movie, but if someone held a gun to my head and said I had to pick one or never drink beer again.. that's probably the first movie that would come to mind.

As you can see, the movies I currently have in my section (haha I have my own section!) are:

1. Angel Heart (when Mickey Rourke was hot as shite)
2. I Spit on Your Grave (wonderful rape scenes)
3. Pretty Persuasion (Rachel Wood going down on Kaczmarek, priceless)
4. Them (what The Strangers was based off of)
5. Wonder Boys (give me more Robert Downey Jr. please!)
6. Flowers in the Attic (kristy swanson killlls)
7. She's So Lovely (best father daughter relationship I've ever seen)
8. Igby Goes Down (the dialogue is magnific!)
9. Mean Creek (amazing child actors)
10. It's All Gone Pete Tong (you can thank my bf for introducing me to this one)
11. Hard Candy (overrated but lovable)
12. Spun (makes me want to do drugs and bang Brittany Murphy)
13. White Oleander (I relate to the main character on so many levels,.. it's sad really)
14. United States of Leland (Ryan Gosling's greatest performance)
15. Sharkwater (save the sharks!)
16. Willow (miiight take this one down already, everyone's already seen it.. I hope!)
17. Candy (RIP Heath Ledger)
18. Ghost World (early Scarjo and one of my favorite Buscemi roles)
19. Secretary (I hate Maggie Gyllenhaal buuut the sex, nudity, self mutilation and sadomasochism more than makes up for my hatred of her)
20. Freeway (Witherspoon is way better in her darker roles)
21. Stealing Beauty (Liv Tyler is amazing and you see Rachel Weisz vagina. My mom turned me into this one, her personal favorite)
22. Winter Passing (God, I fucking love Zooey Deschanel,.. Will Ferrell proves he can be funny without being over the top)

I'm supposed to try and change the selection every few weeks but it's got to be the most challenging task ever. Which ones do I take down, which are worthy of staying up there, have a shit ton of people already seen the new ones I want to put up?... blah blah...

I think I'm going to take off Hard Candy and put up Night Watch..

...and YES that is a picture of Robert Pattinson on my sign...

Report:

xoxo

Blue Line Special: Aisle 69

I'm a sell out.

I just put ads on the side of my blog in attempt to profit from this ludacris hobby of mine. (blogging about work while at work) But does this make me a sell out? Shall we define sell out? Urbandictionary anyone?

• Anyone who sacrifices artistic integrity in an effort to become more successful or popular (generally in music); someone who forgets their roots.

All right, so technically I'm not a sell out (I'm getting tired of saying that) I don't have any artistic integrity for one, for B this has nothing to do with music, but does the movie part of this site outweigh that?

Another definition:

• One who betrays a cause for personal advancement

I'd like to think that someone would be me.

Have I really done anything wrong by bowing down to Adsense? I rather feel I'm making a bigger deal out of this than it is, but then why does it feel like such a sin? To me it's like watching a Michael Madsen movie and then liking it. Wrong on so many levels.

In the end, if this whole thing puts money in my bank account, then fuck it; I'm the next Greenday.

Does anyone fucking read this shit anyway? I'm I talking to myself here?

Now that that's over I feel obligated to share a Videorama experience since I've just rambled on about my issues (in the end this whole blog is just one big issue.)

SO!.. Today a customer scolded me for eating infront of him.

Big Black Man: You shouldn't be eating infront of customers Miss

Me: Oh.. really?.. Because I think you might be the only one who cares.. and in that case.. *nom nom nom

xoxo

Bye Bye Blackbird

I just recently came back from a much needed, much deserved vacation. And while I was there I went to the movie theater three times. I just can't get away from movies!


The last one I saw was Public Enemies

Let me just say one thing. Johnny Depp has got to be the most charasmatic man on the planet. He could kill a basket full of babies and I'd still be on his team. I went through my Johnny Depp phase a few years ago, and until recently I didn't really think he was "all that and a bag of beer.." I don't know what I was thinking, besides Brad Pitt and my boyfriend, he's IT.





There were a few things about the movie I didn't really like, and a few I loved.

Dislikes:

• This movie is like 3 hours long. It's like Curious Case of Benjamin Button long.
• The previews made it seem like Marion Cotillard was going to be in it a lot. She wasn't. I loved her and wanted more of her.
• Christian Bale, yuck! I can't stand that damned man.
• The movie was more about JohnDillinger being chased and captured, I thought it was going to be about him robbing banks and killing tons of people and spending his money on faboosh things, living the lavish lifestyle. Little letdown

Loves:

• To my surprise there were a shit ton of cameos. Love those!
• The acting was superb
• The love story was just.. just lovely!! Dillinger totally just swept Frechette off her feet, somebody sweep ME off my feet!!
• Marion Cotillard

I am not mapquest

Today an elder gentleman (when I say elderly I mean a super old fart) comes in and asks me something. I can't hear a god damn fucking thing he says so I have to ask him multiple times to repeat himself.

Turns out he needs directions to Terwillager bridge (and since there is no bridge I'm assuming he meant Blvd.) There's a line of customers but being the outstanding citizen I AM I go to google and googlemap his destination. Which turns out is actually the OHSU hospital.. and he doesn't even know the actual address..


(I just want to get one thing perfectly clear, I work in a VIDEO STORE)


So I type in OHSU hospital, about 20 different addresses pop up.. I just choose the first one..

I print out the directions, then I also print out a map of the streets (trying to make this quest as easy as possible for this geezer.)

He mumbles a thanks and then leaves.

YOU'RE WELCOME!!!

I hope I sent him to the right place.. and if I didn't.. well.. it's not my fucking job to print out maps for customers anyway, let alone NONcustomers.




A good deed never goes unpunished



Geriatrics these days



xoxo

Big Cheese

I did it.

I actually friggin did it!

The straw boss here at Videorama now knows I have a blog,.. and he read half of the entries! I'm not sure how impressed he was because I've noticed the more I post on here the more annoying and unfunny I am.. and he started reading from the end rather than the beginning.. sooo..

I told him about it once, right when I started writing in here, and I don't think he really heard me or understood what I was talking about so I just let it slide. To be completely honest I was a wee bit afraid that he'd get mad because it's mainly me trash talking the customers and confessing that I don't do shit here. Well.. what I mean is.. I don't always go above and beyond my duties.. so I was like.. fired? But he found it rather amusing and I guess he has a Videorama blog as well but rarely finds the time to write in it.

I'm wondering if he's going to continue reading this.. do I have to be careful of what I write now?! No bashing on him! Ohhh, just jesting! I love my manager to bits and pieces. We tell each other things we wouldn't normally tell our closest friends.. So he can suck it for all I care :]

Hi Chris




xoxo

Fading Magic Tricks

I'm not particularly good at anything,.. I don't have any special talents..

BUT! I do have a MAGIC skill!

I work at a video store for one reason and one reason only. No it's not because I love conversing with old ladies that carry umbrellas in the sunshine or because the vast majority of my customers are undeservably wealthy.. it's because I have the ability to know the title of a movie someone is looking for with only 2 words to go off of. Dicaprio, elevator.. The Departed! Douglas, author.. Wonder Boys! Sayanara, oldtimer.. Con Air! Now, I don't like to brag (mostly because I never have anything to brag about) BUT, this is a mighty fine gift I've been blessed with and working in a videostore I am able to use it to its fullest extent. I'm useful to have around!

This is also why I fear I'll be stuck in this damn store for the rest of my rotten life. I need another hobby besides constantly watching movies. And they're not always good movies, some of them are the ones that are so bad they drain the life out of you and make you feel hopeless. Please don't ask me why I expose myself to these.

Getting back to my point, (which at this time I'm not sure I had one to begin with..) I need a life/job. Self pity at its lowest. Since I'm not interested in anything other than movies, and my magic skill has been overshadowed by google and imdb, it's clear I need a new job in the field of.. (drumroll please..) ..the big and glorious word.. ENTERTAINMENT!


If you hear R Kelly needs a leading lady in one of his next videos, you best contact me asap.





*This entry was more a mix of rambling, pity and a little hidden xanax. When a post starts out with "I'm not good at anything" you know it's going to be bonkers.. to say the least. (Do people still say bonkers? If not I'm bringing it back..)



I feel a personal memoir coming




xoxo