The Fairly Odd Child

I get a lot of kids in this joint.

Most of them babies.. that cry.. I hate babies/children in general, so when they cry.. it's war. The battle usually ends with a victory for me, by the time the child leaves they've usually learned the act of sticking out their tongue at strangers (thanks in large part to moi!) I will admit that there are some kids that come in here that I genuinely enjoy seeing, but those are few and far between.

Anyway, two dudes come in today and they each have a kid. One boy, one girl.. they're both probably 7 or 8. The boy is just WEIRD (he likes The Bee Gees, wtf?!) and the girl I've never seen before but she's wearing a rainbow printed dress so we can only assume that she's already a lesbian.

I tried avoiding them the whole time they were here but the kids kept asking me fucking questions about movies. Like where Saturday Night Fever was, I say Cult and the boy doesn't know how to say cult.. so I try explaining "it's like cunt but with a L instead." Then the primalesbian takes it to a WHOLE new level.

Kid- "Hi, what's your name?"
..at this point she holds out her hand.. WHAT THE FUCK?! Do I shake her hand? It's so small, have you ever shook an eight year old's hand?? It's like the size of my palm, fucking awkward
Me- "Miranda"
Young person- "Hi, I'm Faith*"
Me- "Hi Faith"
Child- "What's your favorite animal"
Me- "Starnosed mole"
Juvenile- "Oh, cool.. mine's a horse, I love horses! I ride horses all the time because my mom's friend has horses so I ride those and it's so fun!"
..I ignore her for a few seconds..
Bambino- "I bet you could ride horses too! Just go to a public stable!"
Me- "Like oh my god, you're probably right! I love horses too!! OMG OMG!"
..then she walks away..

Lucky for her she didn't catch onto my sarcasm, lucky for ME because I was able to capture a picture of her. Observe:

Now, it sounds like I HATE children and I'm absolutely evil and am constantly mean to them. That's not necessarily true, it's just that most children have an anti-kid radar and sense me from a mile away and know to steer clear of me.. so in retrospect I don't interact with children all that much.

I'm NOT evil! I'm just missing that child sensitivity chip that most people seem to have..

*Names have been changed

xoxo

Porno on Primetime

Shazam!

I'm thinking that if I want more people to read this then I have to start adding more pictures. Something more visually stimulating, a bunch of naked lesbians hugging maybe? I dunno.. I'm just sayin..

But actually the lesbian picture is relevant, it's a promo picture for the show The L Word on Showtime. I just started watching it since I recently finished Sex and the City (that's a whole other post.) My manager said this is like a homosexual version of SATC set in Los Angeles.. then he added that there was strong nudity and sexual content. SOLD!

The first episode was 2 episodes combined so it was like a movie and I got kinda bored of it. But then last night I watched episodes 3 and 4 and found myself oohing and aahing, it IS actually very good! Apparently it's tres chic to be a lesbian! Sign me up! (My boyfriend doesn't like it AT ALL though, I'm beginning to think he only likes movies/tv shows with dudes in them. He hates SATC AND The L Word! WTF!?)

I started bonding with the characters very quickly, taking sides and talking trash. Alice Pieszecki (played by Leisha Hailey) is my favorite so far, in the beginning I didn't like her, but after the 2nd episode her personality started shining through, beyond the rest of the cast's. And that's saying a lot considering how many damned characters there are. Though there are a ton of different people and various plots, it's not hard to keep track of what everyone's doing, not to mention WHO they're doing.. which is nice.

Five minutes into the first episode I saw 2 vaginas and 4 boobs (cue raised eyebrow).. this is going to be a wonderful show.

Jesus christ, I DOOO sound like a lesbian. Bi-curious maybe ;]

xoxo

Do they serve beer in heaven?

..and if they do, is it on tap? (I'm hopeful)

After what just occured I'm almost certain I'm going to heaven. (As I was typing that I choked on my coffee and spit it out everywhere, sooo maybe I'm not.)

BUT! Hey, if there was a heaven, and I believed in it, I think I'd be going there.. assuming this one good deed makes up for a lifetime of very bad ones.

A woman was just in and her total was $3.99 and she gave me two fives, on accident I'm assuming. (This hot weather is really getting to people!) I push one of the fives back toward her and then give her $1.01 in change.. she only takes the dollar and penny and pushes the extra five dollar bill my way. It occurs to me that she still hadn't realized she gave me an extra five dollars, and instead of keeping it like any other broke 21 year old would do, I holler at her.. (yeah boiiiiiii) and I give her back her five and tell her she had accidently given me too much.. but that I'd gladly take the extra money as a tip for being wonderful. As is to be expected, she doesn't let me keep it. I guess it's better to feel good about one's self than to pocket a little extra cash now and then.. right?

I'm still trying to convince myself I did the right thing..


Do as Spike Lee would do















xoxo

Blueray Shmueray

This falls under the "For the Love of Christ, Read!!" category as well..

So I had a customer half an hour ago and she brings me up a stack of movies and they're all blueray.. she's walking around looking like a giraffe in a babyshower so I ask her "you know these are blueray right?" Needless to say she has no idea what I'm talking about. So I have to go around the entire store and get the movies she wanted in regular format and then put the blueray ones away.. AND she didn't have a mother fucking account. This chick made me want to scream and cry, I almost lost my balls there for a second. (So I made faces behind her back, soo not juvenile.)

Countless customers do this daily. What? You can't read the fucking sign above the section that says BLUERAY?!?! And a lot of customers don't even knowww what blueray is.. where have YOU been?! It's like they all just flock to this special section with tunnel vision in tow and think that those are the only movies we have in the store. Look aroundddd you!! It's like they've never been into a videostore! (Don't get me started on that one.)

This one particular woman though.. god, she got so far under my skin that when she left I went strait to blog it but ended up just staring at the screen for 69 seconds.. I could feel my charming mood changing.. it went from good to gone in 60 seconds. She gave me a writing block for crying out loud! (Atleast that's my excuse if this post pigeonholes itself under the boring and completely unfunny subdivision of my blog.)


I need a clonazepam and an ice cream cone


STAT!







xoxo

Customer a la nuit!

A customer came in about 40 minutes ago and throws LA VIE EN ROSE in my face. Why good day to you too my dear sir! What may I ask can I do you for??

Apparently he couldn't figure out how to work the subtitles on his dvd player, but alas, he blames the movie and not himself nor the machine! He says that this one particular copy of the movie just didn't come with the English subtitle option as the back of the movie so clearly states.

Monsieur please!

I try (in my nicest tone!) to tell him that it's not possible. That there ARE in fact English subtitles on the movie and he just wasn't able to figure out how to do it. Then he goes and blames the store for his troubles!

Oh no he di'int!

Finally, fed up, I throw in my towel. I give the man a credit for another movie. But I have the last laugh you see! I leave a note on his account calling him an idiot! HA! Take that!

Ancient Fool - 0
Miranda - 1



Ahh, perhaps it's a tie.. I did give him another rental and all..
C'est la vie, c'est la vie..







xoxo

Confucius say..

READ!


For the love of god, if there's a sign.. READ IT

When you first walk into the store there's a slot cut out of the front desk with a sign that reads: DROP BOX. But apparently the People of Portland haven't yet learned to read because I constantly get the question "Is this where I drop my movies off?"

No, that's absolutely NOT where you drop your movies off, there's just a hole there for no reason whatsoever.. and you know that sign there that reads that that's where you drop off your movies? Yeah, well that's there for no reason either. It just says that to confuse you.

Actually, let me SHOW YOU the drop box and you tell me if it's blatantly obvious or I'm just rediculous and my complaint holds no merit..

Thaaaaank you and goodnight

xoxo

You fools! All of you!

What in the world?!

Some time ago, I heard about this amazing movie. Like.. AMAZING. I'd seen bits and pieces of it but never really took the time to watch it.. that is.. until last night.

Bitches and broads, I watched.....

AMERICAN PSYCHO

Ummm, I'd give it a C+ at best.

I don't understand what the hell everyone has been talking about. I got so tired of this movie that I got up and literally brushed my teeth. It was boring, it was confusing, and what was with the end? Is Paul Allen really mother fucking dead?!? I'd like to think that I'm one of those people that are able to comprehend confusing movies, but I definately did not follow this one. Maybe it was just oversold, (or maybe the fact that I dislike Christian Bale has something to do with it..) I went into it thinking it was going to be amazing and what I got was a huge letdown. As the credits started rolling, I rolled over and started analyzing the movie.. then I thought.. If I was watching tv, and American Psycho came on, I'd switch the channel! I'd rather watch Mtv's 16 and Pregnant than this movie!

I will give it some credit though, if one of the underlying themes/tones was that everyone's the same.. looks alike, acts alike.. then they cast it well. I couldn't tell one actor from the other. I liked the blood/killing.. the three way sex scenes caught my attention.. (as did Huey Lewis & the News)..

Is there something here I'm not getting? Is this movie one big joke and I'm just that one blonde bimbo in the group that doesn't understand?

I'm so confused

Dare I say.. I guess I just.. didn't.. "GET" it.

xoxo