Happy Halloweiner

Halloween is my favorite holiday ever!! Although I do work today it's only until 4pm. I switched schedules with my manager so I wouldn't have to work tomorrow morning. I'd be no use here, literally walking dead.

Anywho, the other day my manager informed me that if I dress up today I'd get paid time-and-a-half. BOOM! I didn't wear my reeeeal costume, but I did manage to find a skeleton body suit costume my grandmother sent me last year. Mind you it's a child's large.. I bent over and the crotch literally ripped..

I'll try and remember to post pictures of my ACKtual Halloween costume later in the week :]

xoxo

UPDATE:

Omfg!! A customer came in wearing my exact same costume (appropriately sized) Bahaha

Let's Talk About Sex Baby!

My voice must just SCREAM dirrrty talk.

Why else would "customers" just call up the store and start talking to me about their personal likes and dislikes of sex?! I can't think of any other reason.. I've been verbally raped at my work more times than I can count. The situations range from someone telling me what sex with me would be worth in dollars to someone jacking off over the phone to my voice. I'm THAT likeable, what can I say?

Anyway, back to why I was posting this in the first place.. someone just called and was.. just.. gross. The conversation was normal at first.. he was talking about how someone recommended our store to him and he asked our exact location and my name.. that's when things got weird. He started asking about "adult" movies and our selection.. specifically ANAL. He said he was newly married to a 22 year old and he was in his late 30s and wanted to know what he should do to get his 'conservative' wife to want to do it. I recommended RedTube.

THEN! He started telling me this story about how he 'ravaged' his wife the other night.. apparently she had on this silk negligee (from Victoria's Secret) and she was bending over the sink and he all of a sudden had this crazy urge to consume her.

"Is it wrong to have taken what's rightfully mine without her permission? She did look rather afraid of me when I came up from behind her naked with an erection hard as a rock.."

He seriously asked me that. Umm.. some people call that rape dear. There was more, much much more than he talked about but I'd rather not make this a 3,000 word post.

But, I bet you'd like to know how I ended the convo right?

"I've got a customer so I've got to go but I'd recommend Porn Wars. Bye"

..and yes I've seen it..

xoxo

EPIC

Imagine this woman: 50s, Brooklyn accent, tan, short frizzy dark brown hair, petite..

Now imagine having this conversation with her..

Her: Hey hun! My ex called me up this morning! He was all threatening me and shit
Me: Oh goodness, what did he say?!
Her: That he was gonna fuckin knife me and shit. I said bring it on! I got a baseball bat waiting for ya. He's black ya know..
Me: Christ! I hope you don't get knifed
Her: Are you kidding me! I'm from Brooklyn, I lived on the streets for 3 years. I used to keep a razor blade on me at all times.. in between my teeth! I cut some broads up before too! Sliced 'em good.
Me: Shiiiiit
Her: Yeah, well I got a baseball bat ya know.. I'm just gonna stop fuckin thinking about it. I don't wanna get too upset. Fuckin blacks man! I got no sympathy for 'em! Drugs and theft and shit. Especially my ex.. he's from the ghetto.
Me: Whoa
Her: Yeah yeah, well I gotta go hun. Put a sweater on
Me: Don't get cut up!
Her: I'll show 'em who's boss
Me: You go girlfriend

All this coming from a woman who at one point in time offered me oxy and vicodin.

She rules sooo fuckin hard.


xoxo

Mrs. John Elwes

Ok, I found my all time favorite customer to hate. I literally loathe these people. I'm not gonna name names because if they ever read this I'm sure they'd find a way to sue me or some fucking dumb shit. Slander?

This couple used to come in allll the time, (they've only been in a few times lately) they'd rent tv shows, then either a few hours later or the next day they'd come in with the dvds and say that they'd already seen the episodes so we'd have to switch them for the next disks (free of charge.)

And the wife (she's the absolute worst) she would always rent Gossip Girl and then ask for the next season, which wouldn't even be out, and she would literally tell me that I was wrong and that it WAS out. Biiiiitch!

AND they wouldn't EVER pay their late fees. Never ever. They had a $1.60 late fee and refused to pay it. Whaaaat the fuck. They live in these high rise apartment buildings across the street and won't pay a measley $1.60?? Can you say cheapskate?

Anway, the chick just came in and rented the 2nd season of Gossip Girl and as I was checking the movies out to her I told her that she had a late fee and HAD to pay $6 of it because it's over 6 months old. She got really pissy and was like "isn't there a law that says videostores can't charge customers late fees?"

Me: "What the fuck? Uhh, NOOO."

She pays part of her late fee and as she's walking out she calls her husband and complains about having to pay the late fee and asks more about this alleged "law."

I found this at Wikipedia and I just have to share it. This defination IS her.

-"A miser or cheapskate is a person who is reluctant to spend money, sometimes to the point of forgoing even basic comforts. The term derives from the Latin miser, meaning "poor" or "wretched," comparable to the modern word "miserable".

Oh! And one time I was closing the store, and she bangs on the door and was like "can I please rent a movie??" I told her that I had already closed down the computers so even if I wanted to, I wouldn't be able to.. well, she talks her way into the store and walks around looking at movies "so she'll know what to get tomorrow." Can you believe this woman?!

I don't know if that's how they do it in India, but it's definately not how they do it here in Downtown Portland hunny. Watch yo self. I see you on the street, I aint afraid to fight.


xoxo

Update: She just called to say she'd already seen one of the disks and needs to exchange it for the next one. Riiiiiight

Thank you, come again

William The Bloody V Mr. Weasley

ATTENTION: This is a customer rant

Worst. Customer. Ever.

Dude comes in with some chick (they're probably in their late 30s) and the minute the guy starts talking I roll my eyes. I just knowww he's gonna be one of THOSE customers. (His voice is high pitched and he talks with a lot of enthusiasm.)

Our conversation:
Him: How much are your cheapest movies?!?!?!?
Me: $2.75
Him: OK! Comedy then!
Me: It's the last rack over there
..15 seconds later he comes to the counter with a movie..
Him: Please tell me this is the worst movie in your store!
Me: It definately isn't (it's Used Cars w/ Kurt Russel) So, I assume you don't have an account?
Him: Well I hope I still do!!
Me: What's your last name?
Him: Albright
..I can't find him in the system and he starts freaking out, so we try looking him up by his phone number instead.. He's in there all right..
Me: Yeah, you're in here under Ronald Albright
Him: Omg, well we will just have to change that! How embarrassing!!!

..he makes me change his name to Spike..

He fucking WISHES he was Spike

Somebody please explain to me, in what country is it more embarrassing to have Ron as a name than SPIKE? I really hope that dude never comes in here again. What a tool.

xoxo

Downloadable swin flu?

I don't believe I mentioned this the first time around..

But I'm prone to internet viruses. About a month or two ago I downloaded a virus onto one of the work computers. (Thank you icanhazcheeseburger.com) I thought I was going to get fired, but surprisingly I didn't.. I didn't even get reprimanded! It's safe to say I didn't go on the internet at work for at least a week after that. I was scared shitless. It definately didn't stop any of my coworkers from going online though, so after awhile I started using the internet again as well. Everything was going fine until..

IT HAPPENED AGAIN

My initial reaction

Not only did it happen again, but it was worse the second time. (and thank YOU bmxonline.com.. or should I say.. rottentomatoes.com?)


It was so bad that the owners had to get a new computer and redownload all of our programs. We almost lost all of our customer information!! So, I know what you're thinking.. like, totally fired right? Wrong. I told one of the owners about how New York Times (I think) got the bug as well and everyone that went to the site downloaded the same virus that I did. It's spreading like wildfire! So, he didn't fire me. I didn't even get written up! BUT, there is a downside.. I can't really use the internet anymore because I only have it at work.. so I don't know when I'll be able to blog. Tear. I mean, I CAN sneak it and use it (like nowwww) but I'm too pansy and don't wanna risk downloading another virus because then I'm fired for sure.. and if they didn't fire me I would probably just quit.


So.. goodbye. I'll be seein ya.



xoxo