Santa Likes To Fuck Fat Chicks In The Ass

Tis the season!

It's Christmas Eve here at the ol' Videorama so naturally I'm the one working. I open tomorrow morning also (that would happen to be Christmas DAY by the way)

I'm rather bored at the time being so I thought, buh loooog! I don't have much to say at the moment though, so I'm just going to tell you my 3 favourite Christmas movies (in no particular order..)

1. Home Alone

I've seen this one so many times that I know all the words by heart. And no, I'm not one of those people that says the lines while watching the movie. I HATE when people do that shit.

2. Elf

CLASSIC! If you don't like this movie then you're not allowed to be my friend. (Zooey!)

3. Badder Santa

I can see what Angelina Jolie saw in Billy Bob. The one liners are rad and so is Thurman.

xoxo

Don't Say A Word

RIP Brittany Murphy

xoxo

Stuck in the Twilight Zone

A couple of months ago a Chipotle opened up right across the street from my work. Seeing as it's kinda my favourite food, this is probably the worst thing that could have happened to me. It's almost as bad as if a Taco Bell had opened up across the street. All I do while at work is stare out the window and envy all the people eating the amazing burritos. I'm quite certain my manager has grown to hate me because all I do is talk about how bad I want it but can't afford it. (I know it's only $5 for a huge burrito but.. I actually don't have ANY money) So I'm forced to sit and salivate.

TODAY however was a different story. I started the day off complaining about how I was craving Chipotle (nothing new) I mentioned it a couple times and then stopped whining about it. Then almost 2 hours later a man comes in with 2 big bags that say CHIPOTLE. He sets one on the counter. Jokingly I ask, "Those for me?" He replies with a "Yes" I'm confused at first but then he tells us he's the general manager and decided to bring us some burritos. At this point I'm freaking the fuck out. He gives us the bags and right before he leaves he says "Hope you like pork." I stand there and my manager looks at me and just laughs. ...I'm a vegetarian...

I get so upset I pop a vicodin and think twice about taking another. I was already in a foul mood and this didn't help whatsoever. I start eating my feelings (saltines and cream cheese) and try not thinking about my crazy bad luck. THEN the worst thing you could possibly imagine happened.

A friend that works at Starbucks (Hey Deneb!) came in with a bag and goes "you guys want a burrito from Chipotle?" I got extremely excited and then found out that it too had meat in it. I nearly cried.

I think Alanis Morissette would have something to say about this situation

Feast on THIS

xoxo


Update: 12/28/09
I caved and finally bought Chipotle before work this morning. And it made me sick and now I'm going to go puke it all up. OF course.

Short & Sweet

I almost drunk blogged. I know.

The other night I was home.. all alone.. watching Alias and then I got drunk. (Yes I get drunk by myself.) ANYWAY, I was pretty deep into the 4th season and all the episodes were really sad (parts of them anyway) aaand I was getting pretty emotional. I mean, I cried 4 episodes strait. Then on the season finale.. boyyy did I bawl. My immediate reaction was to blog about it. It's times like those that makes me thankful I don't have internet at my house.

If I DID have internet..

Me the next morning.

xoxo

If Chunk & Sloth Fucked..

Then you'd have SOME idea of what this customer looks like. Don't get me wrong, I love the uglies but this guy (or should I say young man) has also got the most annoying personality of ALL FUCKING TIME. He calls in constantly, yells into the phone, brings movies up to the counter and says "I wanna buy this" WELL YOU CAN'T FUCKING BUY IT BECAUSE ITS A FUCKING RENTAL!!! I tell him that everytime he comes in, he just doesn't get it. My manager hates this kid too, he is so ridiculous, obnoxious, annoying, disgusting, unpleasant and revolting. THE worst.

You might be like, hey take it easy now! IIIIII don't think so. He just called in and omg.

Our conversation:

Me: Videoramaaaa

Him: What are your new releases that came out Thursday?

Me: Actually it's TUESDAY but the big ones were Terminator Salvation, Paper Heart and Night At The Museum 2
Him: Ok that's it?

Me: Nooo, there are like 20 other ones

Him: Ok well read them off to me then

..I proceed to tell him all the movies that came out..

Him: Ok, do you have The 10th Kingdom?

Me: Yes

Him: Ok, I know I can't buy it but can I pay more and buy it?

Me: WTF! NO!

Him: Ok bye

Tell me the truth, that's annoying as fuck right? I'm not just overreacting? Ok, thank you! I didn't think so.

And he also has a friend that looks like Randall Boggs from Monsters Inc.

I'm on a mission

xoxo

Diz Some Bullllllshit

I walk into work this morning and find these movies, and they weren't even in their cases. I was the one that did that. Now I'M going to be the one to put them all away. Correct me if I'm wrong but this seems to be a legitimate reason to rant. The stack has been accumilating all week and nobody bothered to put the movies away. Hmm..

The way I've always done it, I make sure to put all the movies away that were returned while I was working before the next person comes to work. Less work for them. I'm a kind and thoughtful person, no need to remind me.. but the other people that work here just don't seem to get it (they're all male. WEIRD.) "Hey, Miranda's a girl, let's dump this load on her so I can be lazy and not to a god damn fucking thing." (Not that kind of dump..) One person is definately worse than all the other two. I won't name names. It's getting old boys. If I can fuck around on the internet, read all day and still find time to do my job, I'm thinking you should be able to do the same.

• I'm ALSO thinking it's time for a mother fucking raise. Or a picture of me, framed and labeled "Miranda: Employee of the decade" Either would suffice.

P.S. Hang on to your husbands girrrrlzzzz, I'm newly single ;]

xoxo

I'm sorry, I HAVE to..

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG

So last night at 12:01 I saw New Moon with a few of my girlfriends and my younger sister.. (and I just want to thank my sister for getting in line at 9am to get us the tickets and best seats!) Anyway.. after like 40 minutes of previews the movie finally came on and the entire theater started screaming and crying.. I may or may not have clapped and gave a little.. "omg omg."

If you haven't read the books and you saw the first movie, then you're obviously going to think that any fan is a complete moron.. not true! I'll be the first to admit that Twilight was anything but a good movie.. if you've read the books though, then you're forced to like it.. you've got no choice in the matter.. it doesn't make sense, but.. that's.. just the way it is..

New Moon was actually a good movie.. everything was better about this one.. the makeup, special effects and ESPECIALLY the acting.. well everything but the werewolf special effects.. come on guys.. reallllllly!! I surprised myself and all my friends and only cried ONCE.. and it was only one tear so I'm not sure that it technically even counts as a 'cry.' Sooo many people are New Moon hating right now, and I get it.. I used to be one of them.. then I read the books and now I'm completely obsessed. Like Ali Larter in Obsessed OBSESSED.. Well, that's all I'm going to say about THAT because this post is probably a fail.

Oh, and I had a sex dream about "Aro" because of this movie. Sex with Michael Sheen.. I don't even.. know.. it was.. weird...

xoxo

It's A Small, Small World

It's official.. I've been formally dubbed "The Videostore Girl"

AT LEAST once a day (when I'm NOT at work) someone will come up to me and be like.. "You're Miranda right?" Uhhh... I can be anyone you want me to be baby..

Depending on my answer and location, (if it's in a bar then the scenario tends to be a whole lot different..) they usually follow up with.. The Videostore Girl? Psh! Puh leeeeze! I think you meant to say The Really Rad Blog Writing Girl..


The other day while I was perousing the aisles of Safeway I get a.. "Soooo, you're Miranda right? The Videostore Girl?" "Why yes,.. yes I am." "Ok cool." And then they just walk away.. really??? That's it? Don't leave me hangin girlfriiiiiiend! And then a woman just came in, bought Madea Goes To Jail and then asked "You Miranda? I told someone I was going to the videostore and they told me to tell 'Miranda The Videostore Girl' that they say hello.." Well.. swell! The fact that you can't remember the person's name doesn't matter.. at all...

I guess it's just that whole 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon thing..

..And with that I'll leave you with the tagline for my movie (that's totally going to be made about me someday)... "Videostore Girl by day, pill popping alcoholic by night" TM!!

xoxo

Oh, and P FUCKING S.. I'm going to see New Moon at 12:01 tonight. BOOOOOOOM

EPIC

I watched Star Trek last night and.. good. Sooo good. I never watched any of the old Star Trek so I didn't really have any interest in the movie, (plus I'm not that into sci fi) but I watched it because I knew a lot of people would be asking about it and I wanted to have SOME knowledge of the movie. It had me crying within the first 10 minutes. I felt like such a girl.

Then I felt like a MAN because the action and effects were so fucking awesome!!!! The story is good too, not cheesy or lackluster. The only thing about the movie I didn't like was that Russian character. His accent was awwwwwful, and that actor is originally from Russia too which was odd. And Kirk wasn't even my favorite character, I'm head over heels for Bones (Karl Urban, the guy from Pathfinder and the LOTR trilogy) SWOOON

Definately a must see.
*And if you didn't/don't like it then I don't care and you're really stupid.

xoxo

My Love-Hate Relationship

My job. I love it and I hate it.

Maybe it's not the job itself that I hate so much, but rather the stupid fucking customers. I'm an extremely anti social person, (a customer literally just called me a 'stranger hater') and talking to people all day everyday is not something I like to do. It wouldn't be so bad, but the thing is.. I actually have to be NICE to these people. I don't care that you liked the fucking movie, good for you. Go get another one and get the fuck out of here. That's why I want to work in a bar, this blog would be far more interesting and I wouldn't have to be nice to people unless I wanted to. At least.. that's what I assume anyway..

Don't get me wrong, some of the customers are pretty rad. (And not just the ones that bring me things! Although, if you want to get on my good side, that is what I recommend you do.)

Which brings me to the "Love" part.. some customers.. rule so fucking hard. My drug habit relies solely on the kindness of a select cartel of customers. You wanna barter, you come strait to me.

(You must excuse me for this rant, I need to go to the pharmacy if you know what I mean..)

(Most of the pictures on here do have meaning.... If you watch movies I'd hope you'd understand them all....)

xoxo

Bad Boys

Mad Men..

HAVE YOU SEEEEN THIS SHOW?!

It's absolutely brilliant. Again, it was one of those shows I didn't want to watch because there was so much damned hype about it. But a dear friend of mine wouldn't shut up about it so I gave it a shot. I couldn't stop watching it! It's seriously all I watched for like 2 weeks strait. It's supposed to be about an advertising agency and the lives of all the people that work there.. but really it's just a show about dudes that drink scotch like water, cheat on their wives constantly and smoke 5 packs of Lucky Strikes a day. It rules so hard. I dislike the main character because he's such a tool, actually, mostly all of the male characters are douche bags.. with the exception of 2 (the 2 fat guys.) The female housewives on the show are easy to pity (poor Betsy) and the overtly sexual secretaries are easy to love (Joan! You get em girlfriend!)

Sadly, I've finished the first 2 seasons, and the 3rd doesn't seem to be coming to dvd anytime soon :[ I shall miss you my new favorite tv show. Until then.. Alias?

Obviously, Betty's my favorite.

xoxo

Madonna, meet Jackie

So this was my "real" Halloween costume. I hope to god you know what I am. So many girls at my Halloween party just thought I was some chick with weird hair that had blood on my shoulder. You girls miss 4th grade history class or are you just dumb as fuck? No, really.. I'd like to know.

My grandma is mad at me for 'disrespecting' Jackie and mocking the death of her husband, but hey! It's all in good fun! Anyway, this doesn't have anything to do with movies so I'm gonna cut it short.

xoxo

Happy Halloweiner

Halloween is my favorite holiday ever!! Although I do work today it's only until 4pm. I switched schedules with my manager so I wouldn't have to work tomorrow morning. I'd be no use here, literally walking dead.

Anywho, the other day my manager informed me that if I dress up today I'd get paid time-and-a-half. BOOM! I didn't wear my reeeeal costume, but I did manage to find a skeleton body suit costume my grandmother sent me last year. Mind you it's a child's large.. I bent over and the crotch literally ripped..

I'll try and remember to post pictures of my ACKtual Halloween costume later in the week :]

xoxo

UPDATE:

Omfg!! A customer came in wearing my exact same costume (appropriately sized) Bahaha

Let's Talk About Sex Baby!

My voice must just SCREAM dirrrty talk.

Why else would "customers" just call up the store and start talking to me about their personal likes and dislikes of sex?! I can't think of any other reason.. I've been verbally raped at my work more times than I can count. The situations range from someone telling me what sex with me would be worth in dollars to someone jacking off over the phone to my voice. I'm THAT likeable, what can I say?

Anyway, back to why I was posting this in the first place.. someone just called and was.. just.. gross. The conversation was normal at first.. he was talking about how someone recommended our store to him and he asked our exact location and my name.. that's when things got weird. He started asking about "adult" movies and our selection.. specifically ANAL. He said he was newly married to a 22 year old and he was in his late 30s and wanted to know what he should do to get his 'conservative' wife to want to do it. I recommended RedTube.

THEN! He started telling me this story about how he 'ravaged' his wife the other night.. apparently she had on this silk negligee (from Victoria's Secret) and she was bending over the sink and he all of a sudden had this crazy urge to consume her.

"Is it wrong to have taken what's rightfully mine without her permission? She did look rather afraid of me when I came up from behind her naked with an erection hard as a rock.."

He seriously asked me that. Umm.. some people call that rape dear. There was more, much much more than he talked about but I'd rather not make this a 3,000 word post.

But, I bet you'd like to know how I ended the convo right?

"I've got a customer so I've got to go but I'd recommend Porn Wars. Bye"

..and yes I've seen it..

xoxo

EPIC

Imagine this woman: 50s, Brooklyn accent, tan, short frizzy dark brown hair, petite..

Now imagine having this conversation with her..

Her: Hey hun! My ex called me up this morning! He was all threatening me and shit
Me: Oh goodness, what did he say?!
Her: That he was gonna fuckin knife me and shit. I said bring it on! I got a baseball bat waiting for ya. He's black ya know..
Me: Christ! I hope you don't get knifed
Her: Are you kidding me! I'm from Brooklyn, I lived on the streets for 3 years. I used to keep a razor blade on me at all times.. in between my teeth! I cut some broads up before too! Sliced 'em good.
Me: Shiiiiit
Her: Yeah, well I got a baseball bat ya know.. I'm just gonna stop fuckin thinking about it. I don't wanna get too upset. Fuckin blacks man! I got no sympathy for 'em! Drugs and theft and shit. Especially my ex.. he's from the ghetto.
Me: Whoa
Her: Yeah yeah, well I gotta go hun. Put a sweater on
Me: Don't get cut up!
Her: I'll show 'em who's boss
Me: You go girlfriend

All this coming from a woman who at one point in time offered me oxy and vicodin.

She rules sooo fuckin hard.


xoxo

Mrs. John Elwes

Ok, I found my all time favorite customer to hate. I literally loathe these people. I'm not gonna name names because if they ever read this I'm sure they'd find a way to sue me or some fucking dumb shit. Slander?

This couple used to come in allll the time, (they've only been in a few times lately) they'd rent tv shows, then either a few hours later or the next day they'd come in with the dvds and say that they'd already seen the episodes so we'd have to switch them for the next disks (free of charge.)

And the wife (she's the absolute worst) she would always rent Gossip Girl and then ask for the next season, which wouldn't even be out, and she would literally tell me that I was wrong and that it WAS out. Biiiiitch!

AND they wouldn't EVER pay their late fees. Never ever. They had a $1.60 late fee and refused to pay it. Whaaaat the fuck. They live in these high rise apartment buildings across the street and won't pay a measley $1.60?? Can you say cheapskate?

Anway, the chick just came in and rented the 2nd season of Gossip Girl and as I was checking the movies out to her I told her that she had a late fee and HAD to pay $6 of it because it's over 6 months old. She got really pissy and was like "isn't there a law that says videostores can't charge customers late fees?"

Me: "What the fuck? Uhh, NOOO."

She pays part of her late fee and as she's walking out she calls her husband and complains about having to pay the late fee and asks more about this alleged "law."

I found this at Wikipedia and I just have to share it. This defination IS her.

-"A miser or cheapskate is a person who is reluctant to spend money, sometimes to the point of forgoing even basic comforts. The term derives from the Latin miser, meaning "poor" or "wretched," comparable to the modern word "miserable".

Oh! And one time I was closing the store, and she bangs on the door and was like "can I please rent a movie??" I told her that I had already closed down the computers so even if I wanted to, I wouldn't be able to.. well, she talks her way into the store and walks around looking at movies "so she'll know what to get tomorrow." Can you believe this woman?!

I don't know if that's how they do it in India, but it's definately not how they do it here in Downtown Portland hunny. Watch yo self. I see you on the street, I aint afraid to fight.


xoxo

Update: She just called to say she'd already seen one of the disks and needs to exchange it for the next one. Riiiiiight

Thank you, come again

William The Bloody V Mr. Weasley

ATTENTION: This is a customer rant

Worst. Customer. Ever.

Dude comes in with some chick (they're probably in their late 30s) and the minute the guy starts talking I roll my eyes. I just knowww he's gonna be one of THOSE customers. (His voice is high pitched and he talks with a lot of enthusiasm.)

Our conversation:
Him: How much are your cheapest movies?!?!?!?
Me: $2.75
Him: OK! Comedy then!
Me: It's the last rack over there
..15 seconds later he comes to the counter with a movie..
Him: Please tell me this is the worst movie in your store!
Me: It definately isn't (it's Used Cars w/ Kurt Russel) So, I assume you don't have an account?
Him: Well I hope I still do!!
Me: What's your last name?
Him: Albright
..I can't find him in the system and he starts freaking out, so we try looking him up by his phone number instead.. He's in there all right..
Me: Yeah, you're in here under Ronald Albright
Him: Omg, well we will just have to change that! How embarrassing!!!

..he makes me change his name to Spike..

He fucking WISHES he was Spike

Somebody please explain to me, in what country is it more embarrassing to have Ron as a name than SPIKE? I really hope that dude never comes in here again. What a tool.

xoxo

Downloadable swin flu?

I don't believe I mentioned this the first time around..

But I'm prone to internet viruses. About a month or two ago I downloaded a virus onto one of the work computers. (Thank you icanhazcheeseburger.com) I thought I was going to get fired, but surprisingly I didn't.. I didn't even get reprimanded! It's safe to say I didn't go on the internet at work for at least a week after that. I was scared shitless. It definately didn't stop any of my coworkers from going online though, so after awhile I started using the internet again as well. Everything was going fine until..

IT HAPPENED AGAIN

My initial reaction

Not only did it happen again, but it was worse the second time. (and thank YOU bmxonline.com.. or should I say.. rottentomatoes.com?)


It was so bad that the owners had to get a new computer and redownload all of our programs. We almost lost all of our customer information!! So, I know what you're thinking.. like, totally fired right? Wrong. I told one of the owners about how New York Times (I think) got the bug as well and everyone that went to the site downloaded the same virus that I did. It's spreading like wildfire! So, he didn't fire me. I didn't even get written up! BUT, there is a downside.. I can't really use the internet anymore because I only have it at work.. so I don't know when I'll be able to blog. Tear. I mean, I CAN sneak it and use it (like nowwww) but I'm too pansy and don't wanna risk downloading another virus because then I'm fired for sure.. and if they didn't fire me I would probably just quit.


So.. goodbye. I'll be seein ya.



xoxo

Polygamy Shmigamy

New obsession? Chyeah!!

Monday night I started watching Big Love and today I finished the first season. It is SO fucking good. I'm taking home 5 new release movies tonight and I'm definately going to watch the 2nd season of Big Love before them. I can't get enough of this show! Too bad the 3rd season isn't out yet though :[

I am totally in love with Margene (played by the lovely Ginnifer Goodwin) she is by far my favorite wife.. even though she is extremely needy and whiney at times.. ok all the time. She's just so warm and loveable! My least favorite is Nicki (played by Chloe Savigney) she is a cold hearted bitch! ESPECIALLY to Margene! I hope one of the kids chops off her retardedly long braid.

This tv show even has me thinking about Polygamy! I'm not saying I plan on being a polygamist but.. well.. right now it doesn't seem too bad. So, that considering.. this has got to be a fanfuckingtastic television show to get me thinking about going from athiest to polygamist.

Visual feast? Enjoy

xoxo

Liz Lemon I IS you!

If you need to know one thing about me it's that I am Liz Lemon in a taller, younger and 'thicker' form. I is her, she is me.

To prove my theory I'd like to make some points

1. We both eat in bed
2. We're extremely awkward
3. We have the same vocabulary
4. We stress eat
5. People constantly think we're gay
6. We both have little interest in stereotypical female interests
7. Socially retarded
8. Left wing politics
9. We do what Oprah tells us to do
10. We don't need glasses but wear them anyway

It is my personal belief that we could be good friends someday, and I think it's quite clear that I'm right in making that assumption.

And maybe even kinda from far away we almost sorta look alike?

xoxo