SATC2

Shame on you Michael Patrick King!!

When Sex and The City 2 came out on the 27th my best friend Allie and I went to the midnight showing. Obviously. We walked a mile, bought our tickets and managed to get decent seats. The next 45 minutes were absolutely unbearable. There were dudes in drag, overweight ugly girls (one managed to snag a seat beside me) hammered groups of girls, girls wearing ghastly outfits.. and all of them, I repeat all of them were having rediculous conversations in high pitched voices. All the while my friend and I just sat there having to listen to the voices of death. The theater was unbelievably loud. When I go to the theater I SHUT THE FUCK UP. I don't talk. EVER. Then the movie started, you'd think everyone would hush up right? Wrong. There were multiple conversations still happening well into the first 20 minutes of the movie. Blood boiling.

After the plot started to pick up I started to settle down and tried to enjoy the movie, which sadly, turned out to be extremely hard to do seeing as the plot was barely there and the outfits were far below fabulous. And not only was I sitting next to a fat almost thirty chick and her friend, but the fat girl happened to be the loudest person in the theater. Not kidding. The loud people always sit by me. If it was only me and someone else in a theater they would most definately find a way to sit behind or beside me and torture me throughout the entire viewing. This woman laughed at every. single. joke. (Not only did she laugh but she made an awkward sigh noise before AND after her laughing fits..) And most of the jokes were NOT funny. Minus the Jude Law joke which was brilliant.

When the movie ended my friend and I walked back to my apartment. We were both so shocked at how horrible the movie was that we were silent a good two thirds of the way home. I think we were both afraid that the other person liked the movie and didn't want to ruin their buzz. Thank god we had similar views about the disaster. (The whole Aiden situation!!! Could have gone on a lot longer. Major let down.) And Abu Dhabi? REAAAAALLY??!! I would have been satisfied if the whole movie took place in New York, after all, it's Sex and THE CITY.

The sad thing is, if they made a third SATC I would still go see it.

I would like for you to now take the time to look closely at the picture that I've provided below. Do you see Samantha (far left) and Miranda (far right) WHAT ARE THEY WEARING?!?!??!? Correct me if I'm wrong but Miranda is wearing a cowboy hat and I don't even know where to begin with Samantha. When I first saw this scene I thought it was a joke.



xoxo

Everyday I'm Hu$tlin'

Thank god I wore a short skirt today.

I left for work earlier than usual today so I would have time to go to Safeway and purchase a bottle of wine and a bottle of champagne. (I like to come to work prepared.) It was at this certain Safeway that I got a call from my manager whilst purchasing my daily booze.

Me: "What'd I do this time?!"

Him: "Miranda! Timothy Hutton is at Chipotle. I repeat, Timothy Hutton is at Chipotle."

Me: "Ohh fuuuck me! Good to know."

Him: "Good luck and godspeed."

I was in such a hurry that I didn't even bother to put my valuables in a bag. With a bottle of alcohol firmly gripped in each anxious hand I was seen speed walking down Lovejoy to my beloved Chipotle. As I opened the door and fumbled around with my future beverages Timothy Hutton looked up at me. (No need to be coy) Naturally as I stepped inside a wild gust of air from outside blew my hair around and, for a split second, it helped me to look semi enticing. With the wind in my hair and my leather jacket on my back, I was definately looking like I just walked out of the Girls, Girls, Girls music video. Something Mr. Hutton obviously appreciated because I caught him checking me out multiple times during the duration of my visit. (BOOM!) I went to the counter and since I wasn't hungry in the least I ordered a side of chips and guacamole. I also requested a cup for water because Timmy was sitting near the soda fountain and any excuse to get close to that man is a good excuse. I sat down (within Timothy's eye sight of course) and managed to slowly eat my chips while texting my girlfriend (fellow Timothy Hutton enthusiast) about what was happening to me at that very moment.

"I just spent $3 so I could sit near Timothy Hutton and attempt to make him fall in love with me."

My friend tried convincing me to go over and ask to take a picture with him but that was absolutely not going to happen. Rejection isn't very becoming. Before I could get up to leave and walk past him again he got up first, beating me to the punch. Extremely disappointing. I'm downright convinced that if I'd been able to get near to him one last time (without any plans to ask for an autograph or picture) he would have realized that I'm the woman for him. (Until next time.) I always keep an eye out for him when I leave the house. He will NOT get away from me and my well thought out plans to marry him and bear his children.

(Btw, he had a huge burrito with a side of salsa and guacamole)

xoxo

Aim To Please

There's nothing I hate more in life than a real fucking moron.

And here at Videorama, I work with multiple. Excluding my manager, the remaining two boys that work here.. well, let's just say they fall short when it comes to brains. They're both deserving of their own posts, (which I believe I've done here, here and here!) but the possible future posts are endless. They never cease to amaze me, which at this point isn't really a good thing. I've had it Up. To. HERE.

Us ladies got the short end of the stick when it comes to many things (blood flow in the nether regions comes to mind) but having to sit down to relieve ourselves comes in at the top of the list. We have to pull down our pants, sit down, and then pee. It's a tedious task. So I would like to be able to do it in peace. Without any stress. Something I'm very clearly unable to do at work. Nevermind the constant flow of customers, but now I have to worry about cleaning the fucking toilet every time I have to go. No, I'm not fucking around. I've had to clean my work toilet more than I clean the one I have at my very own home. And what do you know, I have the lads here to thank for that task. Naturally you'd assume that grown ass men would be able to either aim or lift the toilet seat before they urinate. Well, you'd be wrong. When it comes to the fellas I work with anyway. Today was no different, my manager leaves, I go into the bathroom, and BLAM! Piss all over the toilet. Come ON! I finally decided to make a little friendly reminder that I pee here too and then taped it to the wall. If I find ONE drop the next time I go in there..

xoxo

VILF

And you have no idea how bad.

Over the course of 3 days, 1 tattoo appointment and 4 fabulous dates I was able to finish the second season of True Blood. I can't say that it was better than the first season because every time I watched an episode I was really distracted.. by the hot fucking vampire on my screen. (And NO, I'm NOT talking about Bill Compton. Him? Really?)

Have you SEEN Eric Northman? I'm rarely ever even attracted to blondes but I would let this vampire eat me any day of the week. (Wordplay!)

If not for the multiple orgy scenes, watch the show for this stud. I would bathe in blood for him. (But I guess that's not really saying much..)

xoxo

Some Kind of Zing!

After the 5th time of being woken up this morning from dehydration and irritation I realized I was probably going to have a horrible day. Afternoon at least.

I've been in one of those "I'm extremely agitated, borderline aggravated" moods today. And it's only noon thirty. I WAS planning on feeling this way all day long and taking it out on customers like any normal person would.. but in an unforeseen turn of events, my mood has altered for the better. And I'm hoping this feeling lasts.

Mere seconds after I unlocked the door to my work the phone rang. Only further proof of the imminent demise of the days quality. An overly anxious person greets me on the other end of the line. He's nice. A little too nice for my liking, immediately my annoyance is prominent. Whether the gentleman can tell or not, I'm not sure. I make the phone call as short as possible. I put a movie on hold for him, which just so happens to be Pay It Forward. Of course. (Foreshadowing?!) Minutes later an extremely tall man comes in. I'm still in a bad mood but he's obviously gay so I try to be at least semi decent towards the guy. (I'm still looking for my Stanford so I don't wanna burn any bridges. Viva la Gaytion!)

He asks how my day is going and I ponder telling him my whole life story but settle with a "meh" and an "I'm in a bad mood." He looks completely distraught. Like he actually cares about how I'm feeling. Awwwkward. I just look strait down and try to avoid eye contact at all costs. The unpleasant sensation I'm suffering only gets worse as I look at the guy through the corner of my left eye. He starts walking away, phew! He starts walking around the front counter, wtf wtf! What's he going to do!? Stand still Miranda, stand still! Maybe he won't see me. I eventually have to look up at him because he's no more than a foot away from me. The look on his face is the one my mother gave me when I found my birth certificate for the first time and my dreams of having been adopted were crushed. SYMPATHY. Do you KNOW what he does next. He gives me a big fuckin hug. And I'm not talking a quick grope and pat on the back, I received a full on SQUEEZE for at least 15 seconds. I don't like being touched, especially hugged, so the fact that I didn't pull away still baffles me. Surprisingly, after he releases my body from his grip, I don't feel like projectile vomiting up my facon and hashbrowns all over his face. I even feel a little better. Less like killing someone and more like smiling at someone. (Which I quickly do.) He takes his movie, bids a fond farewell and walks out the door.

It took 30 seconds for me to process what just happened. A stranger hugged me. I let him hug me. And it made me feel better. I tell myself to be nicer to others and try to shake my demons for the day. Five minutes and half an Iced Grande Skinny Vanille Latte later he comes back. This time he has a flower in his hand. He sets it on the counter, gives me a big grin and then leaves to continue on his day. (Gotta love the gay romantics.) I want to make one thing perfectly clear here. I have never even received flowers from my ex boyfriend. (The only thing he gave me itched and cost me 65 dollars to get rid of.) The flowers smell delicious and I'm in absolute heaven. I LOVE being given flowers, (blush peonies and jasmine accepted always.) Who in their right mind buys flowers for a stranger because they're having a bad day? I suppose it's something I would love to be able to do for someone but haven't. Yet. He made my day to say the least and I plan on paying it forward.

I'm utterly convinced he's involved in The Random Acts of Kindness Foundation

P.S. My girlfriend and I smoked a doobie last night and fucked with my cat for hours. He loves me no more.

xoxo

Conditioner

I am completely shocked I've never blogged about this.
Here we go..

Back in the day I wrote about THIS guy. (Oh, and Here too!) What a naive little child I was. "Oh, I believe in the good in people!" WRONG! I DID end up going to get a haircut from this man, and I ended up going back muuultiple times, not because he was so good (he really wasn't) but because he gave me a discount. (By discount I mean the $75 hairchop was FREE) "Oh, he just knows I'm broke and still want to be able to look fabulous so he's just being nice and doing me a favor!" A "favor" which I suffered greatly for might I add.

It started out innocent. He'd cut my hair,.. and I would usually schedule it for my day off, so afterward we would go get a beer around the corner or a quick bite to eat.. in MY mind it was NOT a date, just a friendly chit chat over food. He was nice and I enjoyed his company (for the most part, and only at first.) This was how every haircut went for the next couple of months. He even introduced me to all the girls at the saloooon and we'd have lunch with them as well so it never really got too creepy. But after a while he would start saying "god, isn't she beautiful?" "she looks like a movie star" WHAT THE FUCK. GROSS. That's when I started feeling uncomfortable. Like, really, who says those things, especially when the person they're talking about is saying "STOP."

He never really stopped talking about my looks to other people, while I was RIGHT THERE, but I let it slide (it was worth the free haircuts! DOI!) But after awhile he started coming into my work.. at night.. ok, whatever.. he's a lonely old man.. I can pretend to be nice.. but he got a little tooo comfortable and started coming in completely HAMMERED. I mean, the works. Drooling, slurring, wobbling all over the place. Extremely off putting. So I stopped getting lunch with him after the haircuts.. get in, get out. To be fair, I told him how I felt. "Yo, you're gross when you're drunk. Don't come into my work like that. Actually, don't even come near me if you've had more than 3 sips of a beer (major lightweight.)" That would just make him mad and he would just end up calling and texting me like an insane/jealous ex boyfriend until I would answer and we would 'work things out.' I know what you're thinking: WHY THE FUCK DID YOU PUT UP WITH THIS FOOL?! My only excuse is that I like pretty hair. I fail in some "Life departments" (mainly 'boyfriends' [one in particular] and 'accepting free things') I've almost learned my lesson.

Then, get this, I ended up moving into the same fucking apartment building that he lived in. The odds right? I think this gave him the feeling that I actually WANTED to live near him, so he would start showing up at my apartment. As if that isn't bad enough, he would come over unannounced. And it's not like I could just ignore him! I live in a 300 square foot studio with walls as thing as rice paper. He would KNOW. I would tell him to chill and not pop over, but he would anyway. My cat even hated this dude, he started pissing everywhere. Ohh helll nahhhh!

Ok, here's the good and unbeliiiievable part. One night he came into my work and gave me a Xanax bar. (Why helloooooo!) It was then I realized that he was shit faced. Weird. He then proceeded to confess his love for me. I know. I KNOW. He said that if he was 20 years younger I would be his, HA! Not likely you fat piece of shit. I told him to leave and get a life because he just reached a new level of disgusting. Three days later he comes to my apartment. It's midnight and my guy friend and I are shotgunning beers before we go out for the night. I have to answer because I'm obviously there. I open the door and he's missing a shoe, his eyes are crossed and he's holding a grape soda, which contents are spilled down the front of his white shirt.

Him: "I just killed 3 people"
Me: "Awesome, who'd you murder?"
Him: "3 people that owed my friends money"
Me: "Cool, well.. have a good night"
Him: "Can't I come in?"
Me: "No, I'm about to leave and I have a friend here. BYE"

That seriously happened. Only in MY life. He came back 15 minutes later and knocked on my door for about 5 minutes. My friend and I just turned the lights off and hid in the closet until he went away. Convinced that we were to be his next victims, we were extremely hesitant to leave my apartment, but we did (all for the love of Tubesday.) The next night he comes into my work, sober this time! I'm shocked. He tries to have a conversation with me. Not happening. I told him what happened, which he denies. But there's no denying the truth kids. Sebastian as my witness. It was then that I finally got up the courage to tell him that I never wanted to see or speak to him again. Being his friend was just too much and getting wildly inappropriate. Wild I'm up for. Inappropriate I'm known for. But not together. He starts crying! (CRYING!! In my work!!) The only thing I can remember crying about in the past couple months is Carrie and Aidan breaking up, and I make sure to do that shit in the comfort of my own bed. This creep then tries telling me about how his mother didn't/doesn't love him and that he is gonna go get some help. Good for you, but I still don't want to ever see your pock marked face again.

And I didn't see or hear from him for about a month but one night a few weeks ago he came in and rented a movie. Then a few times I've seen him staring at me through the window at my work. I've always wanted a stalker, but this is just not as fun as I thought it would be.

I never found out if he really did kill anyone. I wouldn't be surprised if he was telling the truth though.

xoxo

It's Crushing Me

I feel this great, great pressure coming down on me.
It's constantly coming down on me.


Unrequited love.
These grey days..
It's happening again.
I think I know it.


xoxo