Videorama

I don't work here anymore.

xoxo

Satisfaction

Well, tomorrow is my last day at Videorama so I made a sign to let everyone know that I won't be here for much longer.



Considering our printer is from 1994, I'd say this sign turned out pretty well. (I did [obviously] go over the words with a Sharpie though.) I feel like being extremely lazy today so I'm just tumblring, drinking multiple Red Bulls and listening to Paul Simon all day. SUCK IT CHRIS! ;]


xoxo

The Maid

I walk into work today only to find the biggest fucking mess I've ever seen in my entire life. It literally looked like a military obstacle course. It was a Labrynth! I'm all about order and cleanliness so when I saw the piles among piles of movies on the floor I damn near had a panic attack. 1, because of the mayhem and A, because I was the one who was expected to clean and organize the whole shebang. (It sucks being so reliable.) My manager decided he wanted to expand the blu-ray section to an entire wall instead of 4 or 5 racks. To do this he had to take a few hundred movies from off the shelves and now I'm in the process of making them all either catalog titles or sell through movies. (And here I was thinking my last 4 days of work were going to be work free!) The whole thing was definately more chaotic than it should have been, a well thought out plan poorly executed. I'm not over reacting about the mess either!

PROOF OF MESS


I immediately sat my ass down on the grimy floor and got to work. A short forty five minutes later I had finished arranging the unkempt stacks into systematically thought out piles.

(Why are guys so untidy?! Except my ex boyfriend, clean freak! But in a good way.) Now I just have to make the piles disappear! How much money would you like to wager that Brian isn't going to participate AT ALL in helping out with this project..

Ontop of actually having to work today I managed to flash a child. I'm wearing a sleeveless maxi dress and in an attempt to get up to help a customer, I stood up from my sitting position and accidently stepped on the bottom of my dress and the top got pulled down to my waist. All in a day's work my friends.

xoxo

The Facebook Job

I'm not sure how much this has to do with Videorama, other than the fact that I found out about it while I was at work.. but I need to fucking vent. So here it goes..

I was at work, trying to buy this cute little Olive colored rayon ruffle dress online. 50% off. BOOM! But as I kept trying to click "PURCHASE" the order wouldn't go through. I'm almost always a frugal bitch so I KNEW I had enough money in my account to buy it. (It was a MUST own type of dress, one that I'll never own now) I go onto my online bank account just to make sure.. see if there are any purchases pending, something that might hold up my account.. AND WHAT DO YOU KNOW! Some phantom faggot has just purchased $200 worth of Facebook credits. WHAT THE WHAT!! OF ALL THE THINGS TO BUY WITH STOLEN MONEY!!!!! If I had two hundred extra dollars you can bet your fat cellulite ass that I'd buy those black Jeffrey Campbell 'Charli-C' cloggs (Size 9) I've been eyeing for the past 3 months.

I was so shocked and scared that I wouldn't get that money back that I puked up my Redbull all over the floor. (That would make this the 3rd consecutive day I've puked at work. Thank you very much.) I immediately emailed Facebook saying WHAT THE FUCK YOU FUCKING NERDS?! I WANT MY MONEY BACK AND I WANT IT NOW! I've got bundles of Plan-B to buy! Rite Aid jacked the price a few months ago, so you knowww those life savers aint cheap. After emailing those jack offs I closed up my work and ran to my bank (thank god it's only a block away) I run in, go to the nearest clerk and yell "HELP! I'VE BEEN ROBBED!" Of course I wasn't thinking rationally at the time, and I'm sure "I need some assistance with some fraudulant activity on my account please" would have been a better thing to blurt out but stealing my money is some serious business. Especially since I rarely have any, and ESPECIALLY since I'm moving in a week and need that money for the drive down to California.

They froze my account, ordered me a new card and told me to "come back tomorrow." Uhhh.. why?! Apparently the money is all pending so they can't do anything until it goes through. Ohh, so you mean you can't do anything until the money is literally taken out of my account?! Wouldn't it be easier to just stop the transaction from going through?! The Dude said that I would get my money back, it was all just a matter of time (matter of time being 10 to 14 days.) Well, that's all fine and dandy but I'm moving on the 12th and I'm gonna need that money back right about yesterday.

Now I'm back at work obviously, and I'm assuming some other poor little girl in my position would be crying right about now.. and I just might have if I wasn't the least surprised that this fucking happened to me. When my first customer of the day was literally on fucking meth I knew today was going to be interesting. I'll keep 'you' posted on all my financial woes.

And incase you feel really bad for me, and would like to cheer me up.. BUY ME!

xoxo

The Hungover

On an average, only 2 people come into this store during the first hour that we're open. (Open noon to 10:58pm EVERYDAY) So it only makes sense that the one day I'm hungover (And not the, oh 'sick is me' type of hungover.. the 'puke up water, dry heave when nothing is left in the stomach' hungover.) 3 people come in within the first 5 minutes. And OF COURSE, 2 of the 3 people wanted to sign up to be 'members.' I literally had to excuse myself from helping a customer so I could run to the bathroom and projectile vomit all over the toilet. Thank god it's only been liquid.

These past few months I've cut waaaay back on drinking. Like, drink only on Saturdays and even then only 2 or 3 beers. But the fact that I'm moving soon makes people want to hang out with me (of course they didn't want to hang out before they knew I was moving.) And "hanging out" to most people means going out to drink until 2:30 in the morning and making 19 year old baby momma strippers put their boobs in my face (and almost my mouth.) FINE. I'll go out and drink with you, but only if I'm not paying! Which lately happens to be the case. (BLAMO!)

But when I move (in 11 days!) you are NOT going to find me going out to bars. And NOT because I don't think there actually even are bars in Pismo, but because I can't handle the hangovers anymore. If I have more than 2 beers, you will definately find me in the bathroom puking my liver out. As fun as it sounds and as skinny as it's making me look, I'm OVER IT. I might as well be preggo, I've already got the morning sickness down to a T.

This is my Hangover Helper Kit but it's not working like it used to.

xoxo

P.S. I'm getting really annoyed at how "cool" Shark Week is getting. Fuck off people! Shark Week has ALWAYS been cool! You just only recently started watching it so you never knew! And SINCE you only started watching it (presumably because other people do and you want to try and fit in because you're a big dikey loser!) you don't deserve to watch it! Go back to watching Jersey Shore nerds!

Life

xoxo

Smiley Face

Friday night, last customer of the night.. "Find me a good movie and I'll give you a present."

Well, I found the guy TWO good French horror movies and what I got in return?.. A perfectly rolled joint. I've had many conversations with this customer (we're even friends on Facebook, doh!) so I wasn't surprised at all that this is what he gave me.

I had planned on going out to Matador that night to hang out with one of my ex flings, so I told my new favorite customer to wait a bit so we could grab a beer on the way. He stood outside for 10 minutes while I closed up shop and then we went to Le Happy for a quick drink and some friendly conversation. (He's actually very familiar with Pismo Beach [where I'm from/moving back to] so we actually had shit to talk about. No awkward silences!) I didn't light up the joint while I was with him (rude?) because after I smoke weed my brain pretty much shuts down, and I had a long night ahead of me (and I'd already popped a valium).. so I saved it. For last night!

BLAMO! I smoked that doobie so hard last night and I GOT SO FUCKING HIGH. Usually when I smoke, I eat a lot of peanut butter and then pass out. Well last night I was able to put in a movie (Old School) and watch a majority of it. I was so stoned I convinced myself that Will Ferrell completed his scenes infront of a green screen. I got 'laugh at unfunny shit' high. I still have about half an inch of that joint left and I'm going to smoke it ALL tonight. BEST. WEED. EVER.



xoxo

xXx

Watching porn at work is sooo hard to do here. Especially since there's a window right behind the computer so people walking by outside can look in and see what I'm doing online.

Well today I tried watching this n00dz video a friend sent me (he said he thought it was me at first) so I just had to watch it. And in all honesty.. this 'emo chick getting fucked on webcam' DOES look like me. A LOT.

And of course the first scene is some dude eating out this twin of mine. And OF COURSE my computer freezes at that exact moment and a wave of people walk by outside. I had to throw my body across my computer like I was blocking it from a Bullitt. I wasn't able to close the screen for a good 3 minutes. I did try and watch some more bits and pieces of it though.. and daaaaamn, that girl GETS IT! (And gives it)

NSFW! Incase you're interested in what I probably look like blowjobbing someone..

xoxo

Errry Day I'm Tumblr'in

I got a Tumblr for the inbetween.

http://www.murderanda.tumblr.com/

xoxo

Just Around The River Bend

I should have looked once more.

Yesterday my best friend Allie woke me up to a text "We're going to go float down the river. So wake up." (I had planned on laying in bed all day and watching movies, but I decided to agree to do something different.) We go buy beer and Mike's Hard Lemonade (her beverage of choice) and then head to the river. We brought everything we needed, life jackets, Sunblock [spf 80!] a cooler, sunglasses and a rape whistle. It was my very first time floating down the river (I'm afraid crocodiles are going to eat me so I never go more than eyeBALL deep. Thanks Lake Placid!) To my surprise it's extremely fun. There were some rapids which freaked me out but turns out they're actually exciting to go over. Except, somehow we always managed to get shot strait to the side where all the trees/branches were.

An hour into it we see our first group of people. Six guys actually. We 'tried' to paddle away from them but we accidently got too close. (Close enough to see if they were cute or not.) We all trade glances and then float on (alright. already.) then I hear "HEY! Do you work at Videorama?!" I would just like to point out that I am on a raft, in the middle of the river, 35 miles away from my work. And I STILL manage to run into a customer. I tried to get their name so I could look them up at work but by that time we were too far away to hear. Half an hour later I have to pee so we pull up onto a little island in the middle of the river, I pee in it, then bend over to get back in the raft and I hear six loud guys scream "NICE ASS!! WOOHOO!!" Why thank you gentlemen. I do squats daily. At this point we're pretty much all floating together, it was the current, not our intention. A little while later our destination was in sight and the water was only waist deep so I decided to get in and swim with some of the other guys. This is where things get interesting..

I jump in, it's not that cold but the water is really fast and I couldn't really stand. I got kind of freaked out at how fast and strong the current was (and I didn't have a lifejacket on) so I decided to try and walk/swim over to Allie who at this point had dragged the raft to shore. I yelled at Allie that I couldn't stop because of the current. It was funny at first. I was laughing, she was laughing. But I really couldn't stop. Then the water got really deep and I got really scared. I couldn't really stay above the water and I started screaming. But I saw a huge slab of concrete in the water and it was only 30 feet away and people were jumping off of it so I thought "Thank god, I'll slam into that and be able to climb ontop of it." Well that couldn't have been further from what happened. Yes, I did slam into it but I didn't climb ontop of it. I got sucked under the water. Now, I'm under the water, trying to reach the top, I look up and I can see that there's about a foot of water above me. I tried swimming as hard, as fast as I possibly could to the top. The only thing I thought was "Not now, not like this." Then I realized I was about to die by drowning and I opened my mouth to welcome the water into my lungs. JUST as I had closed my eyes and given up I felt a hand pull me up and hold my head above water while the guy swam to shore. "The Guy" turned out to be an eleven year old boy named Dakota. Out of all the people that were on the shore at the time, an eleven year old was the one to jump in the water and save my life.

I still feel sick from all the river water I consumed and I still cry when I think about it (it happened YESTERDAY, and I still came to work.) I tried calling my mom and grandma to let them know what happened but my whole family is at a Family Reunion in Montana where there isn't any cell phone reception. (Ha, everyone gets back and my friend Allie has to tell them, hey guys, how was the trip? Miranda died.)

Ironic, I feel, that Friday I spent the morning in the bathtub practicing holding my breath. And then spent the afternoon at Barnes & Noble where I purchased "The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying" because I have a fear of dying.

At least now I know I want to live.

Pre Near Death Experience Photos

A lot of good those life jackets did.

xoxo

MISERy

Tell Jesus THE BITCH is back!

This woman and her awkwardly tall husband started coming back into the store. They STILL have a $2 late fee they refuse to pay but I just don't want to deal with them more than I have to so I turn a blind eye. Well the HO crossed the line today.

She walks in and says "Wow, that tattoo of the flower on your arm is so pretty!" "Thanks.." "Show it to me" ..I show it to her.. "Oh, eww never mind." ..and she walks away and proceeds to tell her husband who is a whopping 12 feet away from me "At first I thought her tattoo was pretty but I looked at it closely and it has a zombie woman attached to it! Yuck."

First of all, she doesn't like zombies so she's even lamer than before. And it's a pretty zombie girl to boot! (I didn't think she could suck any harder! Although I'm sure her husband wishes she did.) AND WHO SAYS THIS OUTLOUD TO SOMEONE?! Have some tact woman!

Christ, this woman really gets to me. Whenever I see her face I just want to cut it off. I have a feeling she has a tramp stamp. And not the cool kind either.

xoxo

She obviously has no idea what she's talking about. (Why do I care so much?!)

P.S. Two guys walked into my work today and ask me to take picture of them together. (Definately a first) So I do.. then the guy turns around and takes a picture of me, says thanks and then leaves. Again, is this a flattering or insulting joke type of thing? I'm skeptical. At least if the picture shows up online I am fully clothed. (Which is more than I can say for the pictures I took this morning)

P.P.S. Mark Waddles was just in :] He knows me by name. FLIRT FLIRT FLIRT. Google the man.

Me Without You

Because I can.


xoxo

Videorama's Finest

Either I'm the best prank puller ever or I just think I'm the funniest person alive.

Earlier today my manager was on the phone with a customer and I walked by the computer. I immediately noticed he had been right in the middle of writing an email when he stopped to answer the phone. I didn't even bother to check to see who the email was to, I just wrote the first thing that came to mind. (Cocksucking is my life.) I pressed 'Enter' about 30 times so it would be hidden at the very bottom of the email. His back was turned at the time so he hadn't noticed a thing and I tried my hardest not to laugh. (I'm really funny and just THINK hilarious things so I tend to laugh at myself all the time.)

He Hung up the phone. The time had come, would he notice what I wrote? Would I get away with this brilliant prank? Well kids, the answer to that is YES, yes I did get away with it.

He came over to the computer, wrote one last sentence, scanned over the ENTIRE thing and hit SEND. I didn't know what to think, surely he had seen what I wrote! (No, he didn't) Fifteen seconds after he sent it I asked "Did you really just send that?!" and fell down (literally) laughing. "WHAT DID YOU DOOOO?!" (The look on his face was priceless.) He went back to the sent email and then saw what I had written. We both laughed until we cried. Then he informed me who the email was to; an old gay guy who has had the hots for my manager for over 2 years. HOW PERFECT IS THAT!!! The ONE email I choose to defile and it's to a guy who wants to put his peen in my manager's booty. He quickly wrote him another email saying "Sadly, while cocksucking is not my life, it does happen to be my coworkers (who was the one to write that.) Miranda has now been fired. Sorry to get your hopes up."

We continued to laugh for a good 10 minutes after the whole incident. Clever is me.

xoxo

The "C" Word

It is official. My last day at Videorama will be August 11th 2010. (California here I come!)

Sad. I've been here since April 2008. This is the longest job I've ever had. When I told my manager I was for sure moving the first thing he said was "We have to get hammered at work together before you leave." DONE!

I shall carry on with my legacy and create a new blog after I move. I'll be going to a.. 'specialized' school in October so I have a pretty good idea what my next blog will be about :]

All in due time kids.

(Don't worry, this isn't my final entry.)

xoxo

How High

Am I going to get?..

I just smoked a fatty bowl for the first time.. AT WORK (let's not kid ourselves here, I smoke the pot all the time. Hence the 5lb weight gain.) I drink and down opiates at work (like there's no tomorrow) because well, they make me seem more normal than I would otherwise. I can still function on them. I never ever smoke pot unless I'm alone in bed. Because I CAN'T function on it. I turn into a zombie and zone everyone out. (This isn't going to be good for the customers)

But I've been extremely stressed out because of the move (skoolz for foolz!) so I decided to keep weed and a pipe with me at all times. Today it came in handy. Now instead of being stressed I'm paranoid. Good choice Miranda.

I'll update any interesting "Miranda's high at work" situations throughout the day..

UPDATE: Nothing interesting happened. It was too slow. I think I gave a customer too much money, and mumbled a lot.. and devoured about 69 pounds of food. Good thing I brought beer.

xoxo

The Girl Who Couldn't Grow

A few months ago I wrote that I was thinking about moving to California (ANAL PENETRATION) I decided not to go for 'numerous reasons' and when I say numerous reasons I mean there was only one thing preventing me from moving. And that was the hope of seeing my ex boyfriend one last time when he came to visit. (When will this yearning end? I'm tired of relating to Taylor Swift songs!) Well, he hasn't visited yet. And I doubt he even plans on seeing me when he does so,.. Away We Go..

I talked to my grandmother earlier today and she said she would love for me to move down to California to live with her (I can't bring Kitty though!!) and I would most likely have to enroll in school. We are going to figure out all the major/minor details tomorrow. (HOW am I going to get there?!) Road trip anyone? Gas is on me.

I'm moving because I feel stuck. I'm not growing in Portland and I don't want to be miserable and work for min. wage the rest of my life. My friend said it's a common misconception that 'changing your surroundings' will help you achieve what you think you can and hope to accomplish.. And he says that I'm also running away. Uh doiii! Even I can see that. Yes, yes I am. I am running 862 miles away. And it still feels too close.

Consider this my 1 month notice. My blog will shortly come to an end. But maybe I can start a new one? "Shit My Grandma Says?"

I'll literally be living 3 blocks from these places. How could I resist?


Stay Tuned

UPDATE: I convinced my grandmother to let me take Kitty Meow! And my friend Jesse (AKA Beats Off, [who recently moved down to California] might drive up here just to drive me back down there. Aren't road trips the best?)

xoxo

One Missed Call

Think they'll OBEY?

I even laminated the fucker

Hopefully this sign prevents at least a quarter of the customers from coming up to check out while still literally in the middle of a conversation or answering their phones right in the middle of a transaction.

What do you wanna bet that someone will take this down tomorrow [because I won't be here]? ("Don't want to 'offend' the customers!") Fuck that shit.

UPDATE: Fail. Ten minutes after I put the sign on the counter a woman came up talking obnoxiously loud on her phone. She forced me to ring her up while mid conversation. (Hello phantom $3 late fee.)

PS. How sad is it (on a scale of 1 to My Ex Boyfriend Has a Relatively 'New' Girlfriend) that I really want the Eclipse soundtrack? (Leave me alone, I like the Metric song)

xoxo

Dear Diary,

It's me again.

I just wanted to let all of my concerned/faithful readers know that I've decided to halt production on my second blog. For now.

I don't know what my plan was with that one, but hate fucking comes to mind when trying to describe my writing.

"Jack rabbit sex, you know, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow."

xoxo

Diary of The Dread

A few things that have been irritating the shit out of me lately:

1. Customers farting
2. Customers forgetting their pin number
3. Customers singing along to the radio
4. Customers asking "what's that movie with that actress?"
5. Customers taking a rediculous amount of time figuring out if they want their movies for overnight or 5 days

1. I'm not kidding. People keep farting in my work. And the farts are crazy loud too. Earlier today an old dude farted sooo loud. It sounded like he pooped his pants. I wanted to try and pretend like nothing happened, but I laughed. Out loud. So THAT was awkward. And not too long ago an 84 year old woman farted too. What's up with the old people not being able to hold their farts in?! Pinch your cheeks guys! Wait until you're outside! Not only does it make this 50X50 box smell like dead bodies but it's also awkward for me. Customers probably walk in and think it's me. Not cool.

2. Earlier today I told a woman to enter her pin or "secret code" as my manager likes to call it. Her response: I never ever remember my pin. Uhh, why don't you fucking make one you WILL be able to remember then!? It's FOUR numbers. It's a PIN. The customer right after her hadn't been in to rent a movie in over 2 years and he remembered his pin.

3. There are at least 5 people a day that walk around the store singing along to the radio. What normal person does that? And it's not like these people have good voices, they have terrible voices. What inclines these people to humiliate themselves in public like this!? To me, it's the same as walking around talking to yourself. You look and sound like an idiot. Sometimes when people are singing loud I go over and turn off that radio. That'll show THEM!

4. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Someone will ask me "Hey what's that one movie that came out this year?" or a question similar to that. ("What's the movie with Helen Mirren?" "Do you have any of the Matt Damon movie in?") ARE YOU SERIOUS?! Usually I know the answer because I'm crazy smart and have a miraculous brain but still. The most annoying thing ever. (While I was typing this, a woman with stupid long fingernails came up and asked me "What's that movie with Tina Fey in it?") Sometime's I'll just give the customer the answer they're looking for, but if I'm in a particularly bad mood I'll be mean. Well, maybe not mean but I'll stick it to em. "Do you honestly expect me to answer that? You want me to give you the name of a movie you're looking for with just the actor's name? Yeah because I can read your mind and know what you're talking about. Lucky for YOU, I do know what movie you're talking about. But ONLY because I know your kind and can read you like a poorly written Miley Cyrus autobiography. (Should it still come as a surprise to me that my manager gets non stop complaints about me?)

5. Back in March the 'management' (and I use that word loosely) came up with a plan. (A poorly thought out plan.) $2 for overnight rentals and $4.99 for 5 day rentals. Now I have to ask every single customer if they want their movies for overnight or for 5 days. Sometimes the customer will already know what they want (thank god) but most of them just look at me like I'm speaking Mandarin. They will seriously stand at the counter, while a line is forming behind them, and take 5 minutes deciding what they should do. I usually tell them to take it overnight because most of the time it's cheaper for them (smart thinking Videorama) but they just can't seem to comprehend the words coming out of my mouth. (Today a dimwit made me break out a god damned calculator for him so he could figure out the cheapest way. OHMYfuckingGOD)

On a different note; I just bartered someone's $2 late fee for 2 Red Bulls. I'm that good.

xoxo

The BFG

BIG FUCKING GEEK

I'd like to know the world we live in when a fellow employee who can't do his fucking job right would be the next manager if my current one quit. Not only does this guy lock up and leave the store for up to 10 minutes at a time to go get food (shouldn't you bring everything you're going to need for your shift BEFORE you come into work?!) but he also leaves movies for me to put away when I open the store in the morning. And he can't seem to remember to put our sign back inside when he closes. I would like to wager my credibility as a mean fucking bitch that he will not get reprimanded for that little incident. But of course if either Brain or I forgot to bring the sign inside, we'd get grilled. If it got stolen, I'D get fired.

And you know, I hate to say it because I love my manager to death, but I'm thinking he can get away with all of his bullshit because he's a close friend of my managers. He's blind to his faults. Communists! Both of them!

I'm starting to get so upset at the fact that this little dweeb is considered a good employee that I'm seriously thinking about quitting. Not only do I have to put up with Brain but I have to put up with this fucking deadbeat. They both give me panic attacks, and I don't think this is something I should have to put up with seeing as I don't have a prescription to valium. I'm honestly afraid they're going to be the ones (besides my ex boyfriend and his skank ass ho girlfriend [bitter much?] ) to contribute to my full on in store melt down. One day they're going to come in only to find me lying there naked on the bathroom floor. Eyes gouged out. (Self inflicted of course)

I mean, ok yes,.. I occasionally drink at work all the time but my manager smokes weed in the bathroom, so there's the justification in that. And I may read and blog at work, but everyone else does too, and yet I still find the time to put the movies away. I may not be a pitch perfect employee, but I'm the best one this fucking store has. I don't go above and beyond, but only because I don't get paid enough to want to. I've never received a raise in the 2 years that I've worked here, and I don't believe one will be granted in the forseeable future.

I'm thinking about calling them out for sexism. (Or should I play the racist card?)

There's only so much I can take, and I can't take no more!

xoxo

Unthinkable

I just got the most unbelievable phone call. I actually yelled at someone over the phone. I'll just post our conversation and you can think what you want about the whole thing.

Me: Videorama
Guy: Do you have the Foo Fighters Documentary?!?
Me: Hold on, let me check..
..10 seconds go by..
Me: No we don't. Sorry
Guy: That's impossible. My friend rented it from you before.
Me: Well, I looked and nothing came up under Foo Fighters.. is that the actual title?
Guy: You work at a videostore and you don't know the title? Ugh, do you have the Marilyn Manson one then?
Me: Let. Me. Check.
..20 seconds go by..
Me: I went over and looked in the documentary section and I didn't find any documentaries under Marilyn Manson nor Foo Fighters. Sorry
Guy: DO YOU EVEN HAVE A DOCUMENTARY SECTION?!?!?
Me: Uhhh yes we do. A rather LARGE documentary section.
Guy: Well, ugh, ummm.. what about Boyz II Men?!
..I slam phone down and look..
Me: NOPE
Guy: What the fuck, it would be in the documentary section
Me: I know how to do my fucking job thank you. WE DON'T HAVE ANY DOCUMENTARIES ON ANY OF THOSE BANDS.
..he talks to friends in the background..
Guy: Peter Gabriel then?
Me: No, no Peter Gabriel either.
Guy: Whatever, I'll just have to come down and look for myself then.
Me: Please don't.

Good thing my friend had just brought me Red Robin (Whiskey River!) otherwise that would have put me in a horrible mood. How do you go from Foo Fighters to Marilyn Manson to BOYZ II MEN to Peter Gabriel. Shows you what kind of dude he is. (One that likes to yell at strangers over the phone.) He didn't talk to me, he screamed at me and spoke like I didn't know how to do my job. If there's anyone that works here that knows how to do their job and do it well, it's me. I'm pretty sure I didn't do the conversation justice. My friend was here listening to the whole thing. He'll vouch for me.

After I got off the phone with him I tripple checked the documentary section to make sure that those movies weren't there. If they were there I was going to hide them behind the counter so he wouldn't be able to rent them.

I'm hungover as hell but I could definately use a beer right about now.

xoxo

Familiar Strangers

I finally created a 2nd blog.

www.mirandagoesdown.blogspot.com

Sound the horns.

xoxo

The Limits of Control

I think I'm in love (I've been telling all my friends what I feel for you)

The other night an older man came in (Ohh yeahhh) My first impression was; this one might be a total asshole. But as I started creating a new account for him he started making small talk and was very nice. I was in a good mood myself (and he was cute) so I chatted with him a bit.. I noticed he was from Washington so I asked why he moved down here. Apparently he's in the midst of a divorce (Ohh yeahhh) and he's a writer (Ohh yeahhh.)

If I play my cards right with this one..

Flirt, bend over, flirt, bat eye lashes, flirt, flirt, lick lips, flirt, tilt head back and laugh, flirt.

I guess I know what I'm doing because the next thing I know he's asking me what I think of "58 year old men." (BOOM!) "Well the funny thing about that is, 58 just barely makes my 'range of acceptible ages..." Now I know what you're thinking, 58?! To be honest, he doesn't look a day over 45 and he reminds me of Sean Connery. And he doesn't have children. (Good thing too because I'm sure they'd all be at least 15 years older than me. Awwwwkward.) I'd like to know what YOU would do in the same situation. I would hope the same. After a few minutes of talking I got kind of intimidated (ME?!) and was afraid he MIGHT actually ask me out.. so I sped things up and basically kicked the guy out. Subtlety was used of course.

A few days later he came back to return the movies and we talked more and I think I made some headway. Little by little I'm getting to know the guy and my crush over the man is growing with each day. I'll keep you posted on the juicy details of my irregular love life.

On a side note: What the FUCK is up with A. The oil spill and 2. The Republican's complaints about the President going golfing

xoxo

You Can Count on Me

Made for television.

The past couple days at work have been pretty drama free, surprisingly. I'm blaming it on the weather. (When the sun comes out, the children will play.) So I haven't really had anything new to write about. Well, here's a first.

I'm sitting on our one and only stool at work, reading,.. minding my own business. I'd just gotten off the phone with my grandmother and we decided that I'm going to go visit again within the next couple of months. Maybe even go on a weekend cruise. And she wants me to start coming down every three months because she's old and needs someone to take care of her. (I'm a good person, shocking.) So, my mood is, well, agreeable.

An older gentleman walks in, I greet him and continue reading.. he walks over to me and asks if I'll do him a favor. As long as it doesn't involve me having to be on my knees then I'm happy to help. Well it does. He asks me, get this.. TO TIE HIS SHOE FOR HIM. I look down at his shoes, then back up at him a few times. At this point I'm not certain he's for real. Is he for real?! Yes, yes he is. He has a cane so I'm thinking if he bends over he'll break his back, and honestly I kind of think he was more embarrassed than I was. Usually I'd be disinclined to help someone out in a situation like this, but I'm feeling generous. And the worst part is, I haven't worn shoes with laces since I was in Jr High so I wasn't even sure if I remembered the whole shoe tying process. I get on my knees, a position you'd think I'd be most comfortable in, and get down to business. After a grueling 6 seconds his shoes were successfully tied. I'm thinking if someone had walked in at that exact moment they would have seen only my bottom half and this old man's top half. Awkward at best.

I'm never going to tie someone else's shoe again.

xoxo

I Want Someone To Be Miserable With

Once again I've put my rather large foot in my mouth.

Not too long ago I wrote THIS post. Right after posting it I thought "I'm sure, sometime in the not too distant future, I'm going to really regret having written this." And WHAT DO YOU KNOW. My whole 'apologetic side' just doesn't quite suit me. For a moment I suppose I really did feel that way, but that moment was brief and has passed. Thankfully. I'm now back to my old apathetic self. The part I wrote that really gets me was the.. "I'm not sure if the right word to use for the way I feel about my life, as it is currently, is "Happy" but I think "Content" is a good one to start with." Ha!!! What a fucking crock of shit. I'm not able to fully remember the days events leading up to that post because of all the drugs that I took in high school but I can only assume that I was, like most days, drunk and high at work. Writing under the influence is usually a good thing, but on that day I must have got a bad batch of something, mixed in with a short foreign snippet of happiness to made me have written down and actually believed those absurd thoughts.

I've most definately lost my faith in my customers. Sure, I still get the occasional pleasant customer (like the one I'm 'seeing' now, who just happens to hate people as much as I do. Looks AND a negative attitude? Zing!) but when customers repeatedly take phone calls in the middle of ringing them up and can't seem to comprehend "third aisle down".. well, then you get a little annoyed. I would only hope that, unlike every baby owning person that comes into my work, if I was in a small store and my child started to scream and cry and pull things off the shelf, I'd yank it's tiny arm out of its socket and drag it outside. If these mothers don't start putting a binky in their babies mouth the second it belts a tune, I am going to start putting fist to gums.

And I'm sure that the small amount of people that read this (minus Kelly and Jaxun) think I'm being obnoxious and dramatic, but kids, I assure you I'm not. The rediculous people and unbelievable things that happen in this store are all things I believe SOMEONE should be complaining about. And complaining hard. Last week a little girl took off her pants and started running around naked in the store. As cute as it was for the first 5 seconds, it was also extremely awkward for me and the customers that were perusing the aisles. I believe I can speak for the other 3 people that were in the store at that time when I say "I'm definately not trying to see a toddlers junk."

Dear god, I really need to start another blog so I can write about all the other shit I put up with in my life. If you only knew...

Only wine can save me now

xoxo

SATC2

Shame on you Michael Patrick King!!

When Sex and The City 2 came out on the 27th my best friend Allie and I went to the midnight showing. Obviously. We walked a mile, bought our tickets and managed to get decent seats. The next 45 minutes were absolutely unbearable. There were dudes in drag, overweight ugly girls (one managed to snag a seat beside me) hammered groups of girls, girls wearing ghastly outfits.. and all of them, I repeat all of them were having rediculous conversations in high pitched voices. All the while my friend and I just sat there having to listen to the voices of death. The theater was unbelievably loud. When I go to the theater I SHUT THE FUCK UP. I don't talk. EVER. Then the movie started, you'd think everyone would hush up right? Wrong. There were multiple conversations still happening well into the first 20 minutes of the movie. Blood boiling.

After the plot started to pick up I started to settle down and tried to enjoy the movie, which sadly, turned out to be extremely hard to do seeing as the plot was barely there and the outfits were far below fabulous. And not only was I sitting next to a fat almost thirty chick and her friend, but the fat girl happened to be the loudest person in the theater. Not kidding. The loud people always sit by me. If it was only me and someone else in a theater they would most definately find a way to sit behind or beside me and torture me throughout the entire viewing. This woman laughed at every. single. joke. (Not only did she laugh but she made an awkward sigh noise before AND after her laughing fits..) And most of the jokes were NOT funny. Minus the Jude Law joke which was brilliant.

When the movie ended my friend and I walked back to my apartment. We were both so shocked at how horrible the movie was that we were silent a good two thirds of the way home. I think we were both afraid that the other person liked the movie and didn't want to ruin their buzz. Thank god we had similar views about the disaster. (The whole Aiden situation!!! Could have gone on a lot longer. Major let down.) And Abu Dhabi? REAAAAALLY??!! I would have been satisfied if the whole movie took place in New York, after all, it's Sex and THE CITY.

The sad thing is, if they made a third SATC I would still go see it.

I would like for you to now take the time to look closely at the picture that I've provided below. Do you see Samantha (far left) and Miranda (far right) WHAT ARE THEY WEARING?!?!??!? Correct me if I'm wrong but Miranda is wearing a cowboy hat and I don't even know where to begin with Samantha. When I first saw this scene I thought it was a joke.



xoxo

Everyday I'm Hu$tlin'

Thank god I wore a short skirt today.

I left for work earlier than usual today so I would have time to go to Safeway and purchase a bottle of wine and a bottle of champagne. (I like to come to work prepared.) It was at this certain Safeway that I got a call from my manager whilst purchasing my daily booze.

Me: "What'd I do this time?!"

Him: "Miranda! Timothy Hutton is at Chipotle. I repeat, Timothy Hutton is at Chipotle."

Me: "Ohh fuuuck me! Good to know."

Him: "Good luck and godspeed."

I was in such a hurry that I didn't even bother to put my valuables in a bag. With a bottle of alcohol firmly gripped in each anxious hand I was seen speed walking down Lovejoy to my beloved Chipotle. As I opened the door and fumbled around with my future beverages Timothy Hutton looked up at me. (No need to be coy) Naturally as I stepped inside a wild gust of air from outside blew my hair around and, for a split second, it helped me to look semi enticing. With the wind in my hair and my leather jacket on my back, I was definately looking like I just walked out of the Girls, Girls, Girls music video. Something Mr. Hutton obviously appreciated because I caught him checking me out multiple times during the duration of my visit. (BOOM!) I went to the counter and since I wasn't hungry in the least I ordered a side of chips and guacamole. I also requested a cup for water because Timmy was sitting near the soda fountain and any excuse to get close to that man is a good excuse. I sat down (within Timothy's eye sight of course) and managed to slowly eat my chips while texting my girlfriend (fellow Timothy Hutton enthusiast) about what was happening to me at that very moment.

"I just spent $3 so I could sit near Timothy Hutton and attempt to make him fall in love with me."

My friend tried convincing me to go over and ask to take a picture with him but that was absolutely not going to happen. Rejection isn't very becoming. Before I could get up to leave and walk past him again he got up first, beating me to the punch. Extremely disappointing. I'm downright convinced that if I'd been able to get near to him one last time (without any plans to ask for an autograph or picture) he would have realized that I'm the woman for him. (Until next time.) I always keep an eye out for him when I leave the house. He will NOT get away from me and my well thought out plans to marry him and bear his children.

(Btw, he had a huge burrito with a side of salsa and guacamole)

xoxo

Aim To Please

There's nothing I hate more in life than a real fucking moron.

And here at Videorama, I work with multiple. Excluding my manager, the remaining two boys that work here.. well, let's just say they fall short when it comes to brains. They're both deserving of their own posts, (which I believe I've done here, here and here!) but the possible future posts are endless. They never cease to amaze me, which at this point isn't really a good thing. I've had it Up. To. HERE.

Us ladies got the short end of the stick when it comes to many things (blood flow in the nether regions comes to mind) but having to sit down to relieve ourselves comes in at the top of the list. We have to pull down our pants, sit down, and then pee. It's a tedious task. So I would like to be able to do it in peace. Without any stress. Something I'm very clearly unable to do at work. Nevermind the constant flow of customers, but now I have to worry about cleaning the fucking toilet every time I have to go. No, I'm not fucking around. I've had to clean my work toilet more than I clean the one I have at my very own home. And what do you know, I have the lads here to thank for that task. Naturally you'd assume that grown ass men would be able to either aim or lift the toilet seat before they urinate. Well, you'd be wrong. When it comes to the fellas I work with anyway. Today was no different, my manager leaves, I go into the bathroom, and BLAM! Piss all over the toilet. Come ON! I finally decided to make a little friendly reminder that I pee here too and then taped it to the wall. If I find ONE drop the next time I go in there..

xoxo

VILF

And you have no idea how bad.

Over the course of 3 days, 1 tattoo appointment and 4 fabulous dates I was able to finish the second season of True Blood. I can't say that it was better than the first season because every time I watched an episode I was really distracted.. by the hot fucking vampire on my screen. (And NO, I'm NOT talking about Bill Compton. Him? Really?)

Have you SEEN Eric Northman? I'm rarely ever even attracted to blondes but I would let this vampire eat me any day of the week. (Wordplay!)

If not for the multiple orgy scenes, watch the show for this stud. I would bathe in blood for him. (But I guess that's not really saying much..)

xoxo

Some Kind of Zing!

After the 5th time of being woken up this morning from dehydration and irritation I realized I was probably going to have a horrible day. Afternoon at least.

I've been in one of those "I'm extremely agitated, borderline aggravated" moods today. And it's only noon thirty. I WAS planning on feeling this way all day long and taking it out on customers like any normal person would.. but in an unforeseen turn of events, my mood has altered for the better. And I'm hoping this feeling lasts.

Mere seconds after I unlocked the door to my work the phone rang. Only further proof of the imminent demise of the days quality. An overly anxious person greets me on the other end of the line. He's nice. A little too nice for my liking, immediately my annoyance is prominent. Whether the gentleman can tell or not, I'm not sure. I make the phone call as short as possible. I put a movie on hold for him, which just so happens to be Pay It Forward. Of course. (Foreshadowing?!) Minutes later an extremely tall man comes in. I'm still in a bad mood but he's obviously gay so I try to be at least semi decent towards the guy. (I'm still looking for my Stanford so I don't wanna burn any bridges. Viva la Gaytion!)

He asks how my day is going and I ponder telling him my whole life story but settle with a "meh" and an "I'm in a bad mood." He looks completely distraught. Like he actually cares about how I'm feeling. Awwwkward. I just look strait down and try to avoid eye contact at all costs. The unpleasant sensation I'm suffering only gets worse as I look at the guy through the corner of my left eye. He starts walking away, phew! He starts walking around the front counter, wtf wtf! What's he going to do!? Stand still Miranda, stand still! Maybe he won't see me. I eventually have to look up at him because he's no more than a foot away from me. The look on his face is the one my mother gave me when I found my birth certificate for the first time and my dreams of having been adopted were crushed. SYMPATHY. Do you KNOW what he does next. He gives me a big fuckin hug. And I'm not talking a quick grope and pat on the back, I received a full on SQUEEZE for at least 15 seconds. I don't like being touched, especially hugged, so the fact that I didn't pull away still baffles me. Surprisingly, after he releases my body from his grip, I don't feel like projectile vomiting up my facon and hashbrowns all over his face. I even feel a little better. Less like killing someone and more like smiling at someone. (Which I quickly do.) He takes his movie, bids a fond farewell and walks out the door.

It took 30 seconds for me to process what just happened. A stranger hugged me. I let him hug me. And it made me feel better. I tell myself to be nicer to others and try to shake my demons for the day. Five minutes and half an Iced Grande Skinny Vanille Latte later he comes back. This time he has a flower in his hand. He sets it on the counter, gives me a big grin and then leaves to continue on his day. (Gotta love the gay romantics.) I want to make one thing perfectly clear here. I have never even received flowers from my ex boyfriend. (The only thing he gave me itched and cost me 65 dollars to get rid of.) The flowers smell delicious and I'm in absolute heaven. I LOVE being given flowers, (blush peonies and jasmine accepted always.) Who in their right mind buys flowers for a stranger because they're having a bad day? I suppose it's something I would love to be able to do for someone but haven't. Yet. He made my day to say the least and I plan on paying it forward.

I'm utterly convinced he's involved in The Random Acts of Kindness Foundation

P.S. My girlfriend and I smoked a doobie last night and fucked with my cat for hours. He loves me no more.

xoxo

Conditioner

I am completely shocked I've never blogged about this.
Here we go..

Back in the day I wrote about THIS guy. (Oh, and Here too!) What a naive little child I was. "Oh, I believe in the good in people!" WRONG! I DID end up going to get a haircut from this man, and I ended up going back muuultiple times, not because he was so good (he really wasn't) but because he gave me a discount. (By discount I mean the $75 hairchop was FREE) "Oh, he just knows I'm broke and still want to be able to look fabulous so he's just being nice and doing me a favor!" A "favor" which I suffered greatly for might I add.

It started out innocent. He'd cut my hair,.. and I would usually schedule it for my day off, so afterward we would go get a beer around the corner or a quick bite to eat.. in MY mind it was NOT a date, just a friendly chit chat over food. He was nice and I enjoyed his company (for the most part, and only at first.) This was how every haircut went for the next couple of months. He even introduced me to all the girls at the saloooon and we'd have lunch with them as well so it never really got too creepy. But after a while he would start saying "god, isn't she beautiful?" "she looks like a movie star" WHAT THE FUCK. GROSS. That's when I started feeling uncomfortable. Like, really, who says those things, especially when the person they're talking about is saying "STOP."

He never really stopped talking about my looks to other people, while I was RIGHT THERE, but I let it slide (it was worth the free haircuts! DOI!) But after awhile he started coming into my work.. at night.. ok, whatever.. he's a lonely old man.. I can pretend to be nice.. but he got a little tooo comfortable and started coming in completely HAMMERED. I mean, the works. Drooling, slurring, wobbling all over the place. Extremely off putting. So I stopped getting lunch with him after the haircuts.. get in, get out. To be fair, I told him how I felt. "Yo, you're gross when you're drunk. Don't come into my work like that. Actually, don't even come near me if you've had more than 3 sips of a beer (major lightweight.)" That would just make him mad and he would just end up calling and texting me like an insane/jealous ex boyfriend until I would answer and we would 'work things out.' I know what you're thinking: WHY THE FUCK DID YOU PUT UP WITH THIS FOOL?! My only excuse is that I like pretty hair. I fail in some "Life departments" (mainly 'boyfriends' [one in particular] and 'accepting free things') I've almost learned my lesson.

Then, get this, I ended up moving into the same fucking apartment building that he lived in. The odds right? I think this gave him the feeling that I actually WANTED to live near him, so he would start showing up at my apartment. As if that isn't bad enough, he would come over unannounced. And it's not like I could just ignore him! I live in a 300 square foot studio with walls as thing as rice paper. He would KNOW. I would tell him to chill and not pop over, but he would anyway. My cat even hated this dude, he started pissing everywhere. Ohh helll nahhhh!

Ok, here's the good and unbeliiiievable part. One night he came into my work and gave me a Xanax bar. (Why helloooooo!) It was then I realized that he was shit faced. Weird. He then proceeded to confess his love for me. I know. I KNOW. He said that if he was 20 years younger I would be his, HA! Not likely you fat piece of shit. I told him to leave and get a life because he just reached a new level of disgusting. Three days later he comes to my apartment. It's midnight and my guy friend and I are shotgunning beers before we go out for the night. I have to answer because I'm obviously there. I open the door and he's missing a shoe, his eyes are crossed and he's holding a grape soda, which contents are spilled down the front of his white shirt.

Him: "I just killed 3 people"
Me: "Awesome, who'd you murder?"
Him: "3 people that owed my friends money"
Me: "Cool, well.. have a good night"
Him: "Can't I come in?"
Me: "No, I'm about to leave and I have a friend here. BYE"

That seriously happened. Only in MY life. He came back 15 minutes later and knocked on my door for about 5 minutes. My friend and I just turned the lights off and hid in the closet until he went away. Convinced that we were to be his next victims, we were extremely hesitant to leave my apartment, but we did (all for the love of Tubesday.) The next night he comes into my work, sober this time! I'm shocked. He tries to have a conversation with me. Not happening. I told him what happened, which he denies. But there's no denying the truth kids. Sebastian as my witness. It was then that I finally got up the courage to tell him that I never wanted to see or speak to him again. Being his friend was just too much and getting wildly inappropriate. Wild I'm up for. Inappropriate I'm known for. But not together. He starts crying! (CRYING!! In my work!!) The only thing I can remember crying about in the past couple months is Carrie and Aidan breaking up, and I make sure to do that shit in the comfort of my own bed. This creep then tries telling me about how his mother didn't/doesn't love him and that he is gonna go get some help. Good for you, but I still don't want to ever see your pock marked face again.

And I didn't see or hear from him for about a month but one night a few weeks ago he came in and rented a movie. Then a few times I've seen him staring at me through the window at my work. I've always wanted a stalker, but this is just not as fun as I thought it would be.

I never found out if he really did kill anyone. I wouldn't be surprised if he was telling the truth though.

xoxo

It's Crushing Me

I feel this great, great pressure coming down on me.
It's constantly coming down on me.


Unrequited love.
These grey days..
It's happening again.
I think I know it.


xoxo

An Education

My manager, convinced I'm a fantastic writer, is helping me pen my first novel.

I came into work today and my manager told me he had read my blog. Uh oh. To my surprise, instead of criticism I received praise! Hallelujah! He asked me "if you could write anything in the world, what would it be?!" Hmm.. of course I said Pulitzer Prize winning novel. Although he is believer of my writing abilities, he isn't too assured that my first novel would win the Pulitzer (in time he'll come around.) In the meantime, he's helping me with ideas for my book.

And so it begins..

We got about 3 pages of ideas down in just under an hour. We ARE a power couple. And I now have homework. Something I haven't done since Junior year of high school (I'm still trying to figure out how I earned that diploma.) He told me to reread all of my blog entries and take notes (I'll let you figure out what the book is about for yourself) which I started doing as soon as he left..

....[this is really what this post was meant for] I reread multiple entries and was left in complete shock. Really all I can say is, I have EVOLVED! Not just as a 'writer' but as a person. I can't believe how much I've changed over the course of the past year. Especially within the latter half of the year. It's a timeline of my emotions. I was such an angry person. Just.. mean, bitter, hateful, envious, RUDE. I can't believe some of the things I said. In all honesty, I could have said worse things, wrote more hateful things about people, but I'm genuinely embarrassed about the way I felt about the community. Don't get me wrong, I still dislike a large portion of the general idiotic population, and working in customer service, interacting with 'those' people comes with the territory, but I think now as I'm coming into my own, I don't feel the need to be as malevolent towards others. I'm sure the turning point in my attitude was my breakup last November, I blamed everyone else for MY problems, but as time goes on I'm able to look at things in a different light. I'm trying to be a happier person, and hopefully that shows in my writing and in the way I interact with customers. (Earlier I let 2 older women ask me 69 questions about my tattoos, [something I absolutely HATE] and I answered them all enthusiastically.) I'm not sure if the right word to use for the way I feel about my life, as it is currently, is "Happy" but I think "Content" is a good one to start with.

Don't think for one second that my unrelenting complaints are going to cease anytime soon. I'm not a completely changed woman.

Ma Haine Dure ;)


xoxo

The Good, The Bad, The Hiiiittin!

Let's get one thing strait: I grew up in the days of Waterworld and Anaconda.

Twister, Super Mario Brothers, Mortal Kombat, Hackers, Showgirls, Postman, Face/Off.. When I was younger those movies HIT! And I still love them all to this day. SERIOUSLY one of my favorite movies of all time is Con Air; a movie in which my boyfriends refuses to even consider rewatching. He says 'modern cinema has ruined my appreciation for the classics.' (this coming from a man who's favorite movie is U-Turn. JLO, gross!) And most people seem to have the same reaction. This got me thinking. WHAT THE FRACK?! Why do people keep shitting on all the good movies? Then THAT got me thinking 'what even constitutes a good/bad movie?'

I absolutely loathe most Criterion Collection movies, all that pretentiously artistic bullshit can kiss my ass. But those are presumably the "important classic and contemporary films." Ohhhh really?! For me, a good movie is one that you can watch over and over and enjoy every minute of. Not one you poke and prod. Not one you dissect! I get the whole "the lighting in this scene is brilliant" or the "look at how many things are going on at once in this scene!" I too am one that can appreciate those things, but generally I like to look at a movie as a whole. Not scene by scene. In the end it's about how the movie made me feel. If it was memorable or not. THIS is why I haven't seen most "classics."

There are certain movies out there that get so much praise that they just scare me off. You'd think the opposite right? "Ohh that movie sounded soo good, I'm going to watch it right away!" No, more like "That movie is supposed to be fantastic, I think I'll rewatch National Treasure 2 instead." As of late, this personal philosophy has put me in the doghouse. Major. When my boyfriend heard I hadn't seen Chinatown he literally cringed. When I said I also hadn't seen Lawrence of Arabia, Apocalypse Now, Rumble Fish, Full Metal Jacket or Casablanca he shook his head in shock, horror and utter disbelief. That's where the whole speech on modern cinema made it's first appearance. That's also how my "classic movies I have to watch or I'll most definately get dumped by the end of the week" list was developed. So far I've watched Rumble Fish and Apocalypse Now. (Rumble Fish, Meh. I think my favorite part was hearing Mickey Rourke's knee trembling voice. Apocalypse Now was fucking fantastic on the other hand. Best part, hands down, Larry Fishburne [before he was Laurence] dancing to The Rolling Stones.)

I honestly believe that I have good taste in movies (I DON'T like the dude who makes all those stupid Madea movies, that's gotta count for something) So, ok yeah, I like a good summer blockbuster, (Michael Bay, definately not overrated) but I CAN also grasp the significance of a movie like Picnic At Hanging Rock. I'm not an ignorant person and don't you dare judge me on my taste of movies (and music for that matter.) And, for the most part, you have to be in a certain mood to watch a 'good' movie! You, or I guess I, can't be tired and want to watch a John Huston film. Especially since lately I've begun to show signs of adult adhd the 'important' films are not ones that I tend to want to view. The only thing I've been in the mood to watch recently is RedTube. And even then, I find my mind wandering aimlessly.

Tonight I'm taking home Lawrence of Arabia, The Pillowbook and Fearless. But don't be fooled, the entire 3rd season of Sex and The City is in my purse as well.


xoxo

I'm Just NOT That Into Him

First of all: What the FUCK

I'm walking to work this morning and there's some Kevin Smith look-alike standing out front of my work. And when I say standing out front of my work, I really mean PLAYING HACKY SACK. I thought the only people that did that were the semi homeless Rastafarians you see at the Saturday Market circa 1998. (In some places it's called the Thursday Night Market. Like, say, if you're in California.) BUT NO. Here's some middle aged white man with his gut hanging below his tie dyed shirt and he's kicking around a fucking footbag at 11:45 in the goddamn morning.

Then, literally 40 seconds after I've unlocked the door and right before I've managed to turn the lights on, he pokes his stupid fat head in and asks "is it kosher if I come in?" A. NO. 2. Did you seriously just refer to something other than food by the word KOSHER? Because I think you just may have.

He comes in and says "goodmorning!" I don't even bother with a head nod. All I'm able to muster is an upward curve of the lip (more like quiver.) Then he gives me the whole "I just asked you a question! HAVE YOU NO DECENCY?!" look and heads strait for the Sale movies. Of course. No sooner had I taken my first (and much needed) gulp of coffee when he comes over with another question. "Yo, are you Stephanie?" The first thing I want to say is "Yeah, my necklace says Miranda because my name is Stephanie" but I realize, he must work for the company! On rare occasions a customer will ask my name, usually after I've been extremely helpful and witty, and in those instances I'll gladly allow them the pleasure of knowing my real name. But this was NOT one of those instances. My eyes dart back and forth between the extremely large stack of movies he's been piling up on the floor and the leftover donut sprinkles he's acquired on his upper lip. [Enter simulated slow motion vomiting] My mood changes as quickly as my younger sister's when she's refusen to take her Ritalin. He's so daft I highly doubt he notices my fake smile (aren't they all?) and oddly high pitched voice (which my boyfriend likes to refer to as my 'normal' voice.) I respond "Actually, I'm Miranda.. do you work for Videorama or is buying large amounts of movies just your hobby?" (I hold my breath.. if he works for this fucking company there's no doubt he's going to complain about me, which will only leave me with the excuse that I hadn't had my morning coffee so my attitude was to be expected.) "No, I used to work with Chris at the Alberta store but now I work at a used movie store up in Vancouver. I thought Chris said a Stephanie worked here, but I guess I got the name wrong." A sigh of RELIEF.

I've already altered my mood twice this morning, so I decide to stay in character. I'm gracious and friendly the rest of his 20 minute visit. This way I only end up feeling a little guilty about being a Grade A Bitch to him in the beginning of our initial interaction. Right before he leaves he gives me his card, he says it's for Chris but come on, we all know who it really was for. I kindly accept the card and give him one last smile, after all, he did just spend $120.

After this grueling experience I come back to Earth and realize what a FUCKING MESS the place is. Behind the counter especially. The dude with the glasses that works Saturday nights is giving me a fucking ulcer right in my BRAIN. I want to cut this guys nutsack off all Sons of Anarchy and then make him chew on them Chaos style. I don't know if you can tell from the pictures I'm about to upload but there are fucking pens and garbage all over the fucking floor. Not to mention he didn't even bother to put all the movies away AND that little prick graffitied all over my Zooey Deschanel picture. I'm gonna get him one day, and I'm going to get. him. good. I hope he enjoys playing World of Warcraft every night and never getting laid, because that's all he seems to be able to do right. Well, that and save stupid fucking pictures as the computer desktop.

xoxo

The Lovely Boner

I couldn't ask for better blog writing material.

You know those 'old man' crushes.. which may or may not (in my case) be synonymous with the 'daddy issues' crushes..? Yes well, I'm all too familiar with them. I'm immediately attracted to 40 year old men. As far as I'm concerned, they could be my cousin, I don't care whatsoever. Older men just do it for me. Beards, Mmmm. It goes without saying that I'm in love with about a 3rd of our customer base here at the old Videorama. At least. And you'll be damned sure that they are all at least 29. There's this ONE special customer though.. let's call him.. Hadley Forrester. (Is Hadley even a real name or did I just make that up?) We have lengthy conversations about 'adult' things (mainly my personal life) and we flirt. Except when he comes in with his girlfriend. Then, in that case, we flirt more. It's to be expected. I never liked his girlfriend, she's always extremely up tight, asks about my tattoos incessantly,.. and is old. (I'll tell you something she's not.. cute.) Except one time they came in and she was haaaaaammered. Then I liked her. But for that night only. I think she tried to hook me up with her son? (I know someone I'd like to hook up with, and his name starts with YOUR BOYFRIEND.)

Anyway.., Bradley, I mean Hadley, comes in and I make him rent Fantastic Mr. Fox, he's checking out the package so I do a hair flip and wink to give him the full experience. (I could teach Elle Woods a thing or two.) Then I ask about his girlfriend.. that's where things get interesting. "Oh, yeah my EX girlfriend. She just up and split. I have no idea what happened." Reh heh heeeeally! Apparently she said he was just 'too much' and packed her bags one day. Things are lookin up! I press him on the details and then he spills the juiciest gossip OF. ALL. TIME. (You ready for this?! Na na na..)

Hadley: "Yeah, she would actually always bring you up in our little bedroom fantasties."
(People want to BE me AND do me. Shocker! ..in more ways than one)
Me: "Wait, what? Fantasies as in sex and bedroom as in sex?"
Hadley: "Oh god,.. yeah. Sorry, that was too much information."
Me: "Oh no darling, not at all. Tell me more"
Hadley: "Haha I'll save the rest for later."

Any normal person would be creeped out (right?) and how typical that I'm beyond flattered and might be letting it go to my head. Definately, Actually. I guess it makes sense, their combined ages added up to like 90.. they got the 'hot young tart' fantasy going on. Enter me into the equation.. BLAMO!


On a side note, she actually turned out to be a lesbian. Surprise, surprise.


(My favorite old man of all time. Gary Oldman. MMM!)

xoxo

The Boat That Rocked

You know those rare movies you're lucky enough to watch that put a little skip in your walk? I fucking found one.

This morning I watched Pirate Radio before work and let me tell you, I will have a better day because of it. The last scene had me blubbering like a sodding idiot but not because it was sad, quite the contrary, blissfully happy. Right after it ended I blared The Rolling Stones and jumped and danced on my bed for a full 4 songs. It was that kind of movie. Music from the movie reigns supreme and the cast delights as they.. STOP, that's starting to sound like a legit review [by my standards anway.] This movie fucking rocked! Literally. It had me smiling, singing along, cheering on the djs and most importantly it made me want to TURN. IT. UP.

Everyone's snogging, making fun of one another, listening to music and having the time of their lives. It's such a happy movie. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that Philip Seymour Hoffman plays the best dj. (Almost Famous) Bill Nighy, Nick Frost, Rhys Ifans,.. BOOM BOOM AND BOOM!

Britain in the 60s.. what I wouldn't give to have been alive in those days.

xoxo

Year One

Holy shit

I literally just realized that I've had my blog for a year. Over a year actually. April 1st of 2009. I'm sure I started this as an April Fools joke and just went with it. You can add that to the list of reasons about what makes me so funny.

I can't believe I missed my blogs birthday. Shows you what kind of mother I'd be. (A really fucking rad one)

In any case,.. HAPPY FIRST BIRTHDAY, BLOG.

We've come a long way, baby.

xoxo

Sex and the Videostore

You know when shit happens in movies and you think 'only in a movie would this happen.' I've learned, especially in MY life, that the crazy shit that goes down in movies also tends to actually transpire in this little thing I like to call "Real Life."

I'm at work today (looking up shoes online, Clogs: Love em or leave em?) and this customer that I've always fantasized about comes in. He's older, has a solid name, is completely mysterious and possibly even wise. He looks like he just walked out of a J Crew catalog, which I'm totally digging for spring. I rarely ever speak to him because he's extremely intimidating and I'm a strong believer in enticing sans words (I hold firm to that) He never really makes too large an attempt to to strike up a conversation with me either, which is only further proof that my tactic is working. This morning, however, he asks "How you doin",.. omigod.

Of course I'm taken aback and jolted into a haze of disbelief but I manage to spit out "I feel like I'm on CRACK! Coffee! Is.. I has, so big! Hrrmm?" What a wide eyed wonder I've become. He starts laughing at my slurring, mumbling and the loud infliction I used when I said crack! because I'm super funny and really nice to look at. (Ok, we're off to a good start) "Well, I am soo hungover.." (Nice, he drinks. Something we can talk about over dinner) "..I was at my friends house up in the West Hills.." (Friends With Money, I'm liking this so far) "..I know a lot of big, famous, rockers.." (1. BARF 2. Art Alexakis hardly qualifies as a 'famous rocker' anymore) I'm finally able to get a word in so naturally I ask him if he got any poon. I believe my words were "Niiice, so.. you stick your P in any hot young V?" He shakes his head, and no not because he was sad it wasn't my V, but because!!!!!!....

"The funny thing about that is, yesterday was actually supposed to be my wedding day to a 'hot young V' but I called it off." JACKPOT!! I live for gossip. Characteristically I make him spill the beans on this lock, stock and barrel. The Bridezilla: Some 25 year old who wasted 5 years of her life teaching English to Asians. His Drink of Choice: Whiskey. How He Dropped the Bomb: She was cooking (unspecified) food and he walked in the room and said "I'm not going to marry you" and then she collapsed.

ZING! He started explaining that she was too young, he had always dated older women, and that he was 40(ish) and just now realizing he wasn't the marrying type. Additionally, he went on to explain to me that "as you get older it starts to become more about the brains than the body.." (common misconception) "It's about at the end of the day, coming home to someone that makes you laugh."

I succeeded in letting him know 3 things about me: A. I like older men "How disappointing, I only like older guys. I hope they don't all feel the same way." 2. (As of recently) I'm not the marrying type either "Marriage is for foolz anyway. It's like the whole kids thing, I never saw the point." 3. I'm single "I'm single."

For grins, earlier this morning while I was getting ready for work I was watching SATC (I've finally started rewatching the entire series. Getting ready for SATC2!) I was on episode two of the first season, Models and Mortals, it was about modelizers.. men who date the models.. the hot young women.. dating for the bodies and not the brains.. and toward the end Big tells Carrie "in the end it's about being with the person that makes you laugh." (Don't quote me on the exact words, but you get my point.) What a coincidence, I'm hilarious. I can only assume I'll be seeing more of this man that left his fiance at the alter (what a keeper huh?)


xoxo

Only Me

Apparently when I think I'm being nice I'm not.

When I got to work today my manager immediately spilled the deets to me about his worst customers of the day and started cracking ugly jokes. It's how we bond. After mentioning to him how glad I was that I never go out of my way to be nice to someone (unless, of course, I know I can get something from the person. Survival instinct. We can't all be blessed with it) he blurted out "I've gotten two complaints about you in the past two days. From two different people. Both of them said you were always grumpy." Looooves it. It's times like these I'm glad I don't care what people think about me (if I did would I be nicer?) He didn't want to tell me who the customers were for fear I would make sure to be especially nasty to them on a regular basis (he knows me so well) but I coerced him. (I've learned that threatening people always works out in my favor)

He told me the first person's name and I had no idea who he was talking about, so it's very likely that I was "grumpy" to this person. When he mentioned the second name I was blown away! I had always believed that I was nice to this person. Always. Mainly because he's black and kind of because he's cute. I'd even seen this guy on my walk to work earlier and managed a slight wave and tilt of the head. Something I never do,.. usually when I see a customer on the street I walk the other way.. So, what the crap?

1. I could start being fake nice to him so he'd be all like, what was I saying? She's such a lovely lady. How could I have thought she was grumpy?! 2. Stay the same? Meh.. 3. Being rude has always seemed to treat me right.

And that was just the beginning of my work day. A little later (after Chris had left of course) this woman opens the door and kind of just stands there with movies in one hand and her phone in the other. I get the feeling that she's about to cry. Aaaand she does. WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO, I'm not one for consoling. So, I do the most logical thing. Just stand there until she stops. She eventually hands me her movies and tells me they're late and that she has more late movies that she won't be able to return until the next day. OK OK no problem! And do you KNOW what she says!! (After she starts crying again of course)

"My mom's dying."

Seriously? You're gonna do me like that? What can you do? I'm not a monster, I deleted her late fees.

xoxo

Why So Sarcastic?

Talk about ruining a lady's self esteem for a good 3 months. A 'friend' (and by friend I mean not a friend) was just in and we were bouncing banter off one another's platter when he said something about me gaining weight. HOLD THE PHONE.

"I've just you know.. noticed that you've gained some weight. No big deal, it's probably your birth control"

"I'm not on birth control you shit stain!"

"Well I was just saying, I noticed it a little in your jowls. It's ok, I've gained some weight too. You can still be hot if you're chunky!"

"Yeah, there's a lot of sexiness under these rolls of mine."

First of all, who uses the word JOWLS anymore? Seriously who says that? Second, I just got called fat. Basically. What is up with my 'friends' these days?! I'm constantly referring to them with quotations when I call them friends, they say I'm not funny when really I am, they call me immature when infact I'm very wise for being only 22 (I'm a Democrat) and as of late they believe me to be boxed in the overweight category. And people wonder why I deleted my Facebook and Twitter (other than the main reason being I stalked my ex boyfriend waaaay too much. Like, "eat ice cream out of the carton in bed and cry to movies we used to watch together" too much. Things I still do to this day.)

Under any normal circumstances this little comment would have left me running towards my fridge for Flamin' Hot Cheetos (yes I keep my chips in the fridge) and pickles dipped in champagne.. but this wasn't any normal circumstance. Oh no it wasn't. Right before my friend called me Gigantic, two 18 year olds came in asking where a payphone was, and I'm pretty sure those haven't existed since 1993 so I let one of them use our phone. But then he couldn't remember his grandpa's phone number, so I let him plug his charger into my outlet (eh eh eh) and after I gave him his phone back, guess what he threw at me! A bunched up 5 dollar bill. Psh yeah. Talk about lucky day. I'm gonna use this sucker to buy me a cocktail at the Say Anything concert that I just so happen to be attending tonight. (ALONE might I add.) I plan on getting crosseyed drunk and taking home the very married Max Bemis. That little Eisley bitch better watch her skanky back. Out on the prowwwwwwwl.

Yummayyyyyyyyy


xoxo