Creepy Collages

So I finally made another collage, well actually I made two, but am currently only showing one. I started out with the whole "High School Musical" theme, but as I was ripping out the pages in all my tabloids, I realized that there aren't any pictures of anyone else from the movie series.. only these two cheap dates.. well, in all honestly there was the occasional Tisdale picture.. but it didn't make sense to add her to this masterpiece.




Then I had about 50 magazines that I was about to RECYCLE (!) and I realized I should probably have another collage handy incase something happens to my Zefron one. Then I had to think! Think! Think! and the only thing I could come up with is a celebrity baby one because there are trillions upon trillions of paparazzi pictures of uber rich toddlers.. I had MORE than enough pictures to put together a second photomontage.

I present to you, my extremely creepy celebrity baby photo pasting design

But I decided that it was far beyond disturbing so I in no way am going to be able to use this one. At least I had something to do to pass the time at work.. (I'm still going to save it.. just incase.)

xoxo

Immmmmbecile!!

Good god!! One of the things that gets me the most is when the customer is absolutely certain they returned their movies, and on time no less! I'd say about 10% of the time, they're right.. and those customers end up being the ones I like anyway, the "good" ones.. but then that leaves another 90% of complete morons that I have to deal with. If we don't have the movie in our store, then generally, it's because YOU did NOT return it!! Go home and check your dvd player ass hole, because that's probably where it still is.

Most of the conversations go like this:

Me- "Did you return ***?"

Fool- "Yes I did, I returned it the day it was due!"

Me- "Let me double check.."

...40 seconds pass..

Me- "Well we don't have it.."

Idiot- "I RETURNED IT, I KNOW I RETURNED IT!"

Me- "Well how about you double check, and I'll tripple check."

..1 day passes..

Me- "Hello"

Pinhead- "Here's that movie,.. I found it in my dvd player.."

I decided to rant about this now because I was checking in movies, and I noticed the disk was missing from one of the cases, so I found out who it was and gave this person a little courtesy call to let them know they blew it and need to return the disk asap.. We shall call this certain creature Alfie.. So I call Alfie and give him the bad news,.. his immediate response.. "that's impossible."

Our conversation ladies and gentlemen..

Me- "Hi, this is Videorama, I was just calling to let you know you returned EPIC MOVIE without the disk in it.."

Alfie- "That's impossible."

Me- "Well, ok but it's not in the case.. sooo.."

Alfie- "I don't have the movie, I don't see any movie infront of me. Did you check your store?"

Me- "Yes, I checked the entire store."

Alfie- "I'll just come in tomorrow and talk to your manager about this."

Me- "See ya!"

Lowww and behollllld, I get a call a minute later.. I'll give you one guess as to who it is..

Alfie- "Stop looking! I found the dvd! It fell on the side of my bed. I have a cocktail party to go to tomorrow so I'll return it then."

Me- "Right. COCKtail party."

xoxo

I know famous people?

One of the perks of working in the Pearl District? I randomely socialize with very wealthy people. And most of these people work in the entertainment industry! Helloooo 15 minutes of fame!! As a customer once told me, "You are very unapproachable." Well sir! I'd like to have you know that once upon a time, long looong ago, someone bought me a drink at a bar! Anyway, so, like it was said, I'm unapproachable! This is why I'm convinced that I'm not currently the lead actor in a hit tv series. I mean, I do tend to cut conversation as short as possible with my customers,.. I rarely smile.. if customers make jokes I hardly laugh, and even then it's usually AT them. I need be retardedly outgoing! I need to pretend to love everything that's coming out of these obnoxious customers' mouths! But HOW I ask!??!

I'm going to seriously try and make it a point to make small meaningless chat with all my customers (except the one's that I KNOW can't help me out with my celebrity problem).. This is what my manager does and he just told me today he's going out for drinks with an ex Hollywood manager man! WHAT! I want to do that!! Apparently this manager guy knows Bruce Willis! (He said he's the biggest scum bag of them all, weeeird.) AND my superior at work said he had a lengthy conversation with this cinematographer yesterday and he's gonna try and get 'in' with him! This is absolutely criminal! I was the one that knew he was famous and sensationally rich first! I totally googled him and then told my manager who he was, I'm the one that should be getting the 'in' with him. (Me, me, me, I'm, I'm, I'm) I'm just going to go along pretending that I don't know who he is and then magically he'll be like, "Miranda, you're extravagant! Sensational! Scandelous! Looooves it! Meet this famous director I know and he'll make you a staaar!" Yes.. that's exactly how it's going to work out..

And ACTUALLY the producer/director of the tv show Leverage came into my work a week or so ago, we chatted for a bit, he was impressed with my coolness.. and he then proceeded to invite me to the set of the show.. Baaaboom! Caaaching!

My work here is done




..now all he has to do is actually come back to my place of labor..


xoxo

I'm not complaining for once, wuhhh??

So, I get really bored at my job sometimes (most of the times) and I always have a ton of magazines behind the counter, so I found a new hobby. Arts & Crafts! I made the Twilight collage first, and then my coworker complained and I had to take it down.. so in retaliation I made a Brangelina one. Miranda 1, Lame Coworker 0! All the gay guys enjoyed the Twilight (R Pat, hellloooo!!) and all the superficial girls like the Brangelina one.

I must say, I do have a talent for collage making. I need ideas for my next one, the only thing is my manager said I could keep making them as long as they have something to do with entertainment.. preferrably actors in a recent movie, or just a movie in general.. its a difficult thing to do when my only collage making source is a stack of tabloids, 35 deep. Suggestions?

Ohhh shit! High School Musical anyone?? I have plenty of Zefron pictures, time to brainstorm..

xoxo

Customer(s) of the Day

In writing this I hope this person/these people never reads this.

There are just plain awful customers, and then there are preferred customers. No, there's no in between. The customers that I like, almost, just almost make up for the dimwits in this "up scale" neighborhood. I preferably enjoy the customers that bring me things :] Hey, I don't ask! I never ask, I'm always offered.. and usually the customers are male.. with the exception of one customer that brought me sprite when I was sick, but she's a lesbian so I'm not sure that even counts.

Thinking of my favorite buyer of goods, one person comes to mind right off the bat. We shall call him.. Bill Harmon? The other night he brought me flowers, a cupcake and a bottle of wine. I don't believe he was hitting on me, he just felt sorry for me.. thought I needed a little surprise.. (You see, I was recently the victim of a break up,.. make sense now?) ..Flowers because every girl loves to receive them, a cupcake because in times of crisis women always look to sugar for comfort, but in MY case, alcohol.. which brings me to the wine! (If there's one thing you need to know about me, it's that I drink like a fish. I've been called a functioning alcoholic a time or twelve.) Anway, this customer rocks, he totally made me feel better. Strangers care about your personal life? APPARENTLY! I even made an appointment with him for a hair chop. He said he'd make me purdy for all those other fish in the sea.. whom I don't really even plan on dating.

HE'S the good customer for the day.. one of the worst "customers" JUST came in, so I have to write about him now. His name shall be.. Wayne Laughlin (there ARE reasons for these names) I'm not sure if you can even call this guy a customer, he rents a movie like once every few months, but he DOES come in every single day. You wanna know what for!? Dog treats! Ok, yes we have a box full of Milk-Bones for the dogs that come in, but all he does is open the door, say hi and grab a handful of treats for his dog and then leaves. SOOO ANNOYING. And I think he owns an ice cream shop, so pretty much it's just like me walking into his store, going behind the counter and grabbing handfuls of ice cream and then just leaving.

This is our conversation from the other day:
Wayne- Did you like Slumdog Millionaire?
Me- Yes, I did actually. The train sequence was awesome.
Wayne- Really? I'm surprised, because I like good movies and based off of your recommendations you seem to like the bad ones. Anyway, bye!
Me- Die

I'm going to start hiding the treats



xoxo

When the person you work WITH is worse than the customer

I should receive an award for putting up with the shit that my fellow employee dishes out. Today I walked into the bathroom when I got to work, and there's blood all over the sink. REALLY? You have a bloody nose and just leave the blood for someone else to clean up?? I'M not touching it, you could have the HIV! ..oh, and there was poop in the toilet.

One time the toilet overflowed overnight and he had to clean it up.. you wanna know what he used to soak up the water.. GARBAGE BAGS. No, I'm not lying.

He eats other people's food.
He stole my spoon.

I can not believe he hasn't been fired yet!! He comes in AT LEAST 10 minutes late every day, not just once in a while, every day! To prove my point, he isn't allowed the open the store anymore because he was never on time. I'm gonna say that's strike 1. Oh, and then once he clocks in he leaves and goes to the store to get "supplies," E.G. candy and energy drinks. You couldn't do that before work? You friggin walk by Safeway to get here!!

He lies to customers about the movies too, if someone asks him how a movie was he'll say that he really liked it even though he's never seen it. He doesn't even watch movies, I'm not even sure if he likes movies. You know what he does like though, Russian government. Uhh..

He lives in a condo his parents own, his parents hired a maid for him so he doesn't have to clean up after himself, his parents pay his bills and bring him food to work all the time.

Oh, and he's 33.

He's nice though?

Dear god I hope he never reads this.

Movie(s) of the day

So, being a self proclaimed "Movie-aholic" it's only natural that I watch AT LEAST 1.5 movies a day. Is this normal, let alone healthy? I'm not quite sure. Before work, during work, after work.. besides binge drinking, that seems to be the only consistant thing in my life.

Today before work I watched Miller's Crossing (for the first time), by the ever amusing Cohen Brothers. A well made gangster noir movie worth it's reputation as one of the Cohen's finest; though I must say, the ending.. predictable. The acting of both main characters Tom and Leo was flawless, the Washington backdrop was gorgeous and the sharp dialogue: impressive.

BUT, Marsha Gay Harden as the siren? Really? Maybe I'm biased, maybe it's just her voice that drives me off the walls and I can't seem to get beyond that. At any rate, she bugged me through out the whole movie. Gabriel Byrne on the other hand, from felonious Tom Reagan to devoted Father Kiernan, I fall in love with every character you play. I'd glady bear on my body the stigmata of Jesus if it was to be you saving me.

Bottom line, good movie.. but not one I'd watch over and over. It's been about 10 hours since I watched it, and the only thing I can remember is that it was pretty, had well written dialogue, and lots of guns. This review kinda went from good to bad huh..

Then I had some more time to kill so I watched Zack & Miri Make A Porno (for the third time.) Fantastic. Sex, anal leakage, strap ons, a random little rat dog, these are all things I enjoy in a movie. The real life porn star's acting wasn't as awful as I would have thought, and I loved the relationship of Zack and Miri, very relatable and honest. This is the type of fun movie I like to watch over and over.

Vol. 1: My first general rant: Customers that call asking stupid shit

Dear customers that make me want to shoot myself,
Please do not call my work and ask me how to work YOUR dvd player. I know I work at a videostore and all, but we are NOT an electronics store. That said, I don't know which button to press on your remote to change the subtitles, now this may just be a quick guess.. but maybe the button that says "Subtitles."

No, I don't know why there isn't any sound coming from your television.

No, I don't know why you can't turn the commentary off.

Top 3 most annoying questions asked over the phone
1. What new movies do you have?
-Well we've got about 25 new movies out this week alone, do you seriously intend for me to tell you every single one and what they're about? Or is there a certain title you were looking for, and in that case, why didn't you just ask me in the god damn first place?!?!

2. Do you have any movies about "Enter subject here"?
-Uhh, maybe you wanna go look on the internet for yourself and find a certain title and then call back to see if we have a certain movie, because I am not about to spend 15 minutes IMDBing and GOOGLEing movies for you.

3. How long is "----" movie?
-Are you serious?

Please stop making me hate my job. I absolutely loathe talking on the phone, so when customers like you call in, it makes my life that much worse.





Regards,

Miranda