Say Hello To My Heavy Friend

I went to California, had a splendid time, bought fabulous things and now I'm back to this crap hole of a town. Somebody save me.

When I came back to Portland I had that "I don't belong here" feeling, the same exact feeling I knew I would have when I got off the plane, and yet, I've decided to NOT move to California. Looks like I'll be keeping my blog (sorry phantom annoyed comment maker)

I DID buy an extremely rad typewriter that I'll be using to write my masterpiece on.. so maybe I'll be doing more of that than this. Just maybe.

Here she is. And for only $25. What a find.


It's really hard to type on though, so the amazing novel that I plan on writing might take me a while. So far I have the title. (Which may actually be the only brilliant part of the book)

(Anyone else notice the direction my blog is taking?)

xoxo

In Summation..

The Blind Side [5]

I'm embarrassed to say this but I.. enjoyed this movie. It is in NO WAY "Best Picture" material but it's worth the watch. I can't believe I just said that. I was so hesitant to even watch this movie, for the same reason I didn't want to watch Precious, but I did and I'm glad. You go Sandra. Get em girl!

Brothers [4]

After I saw the preview for this movie I was extremely excited to watch it. Meh. Jake Gyllenhaal was nice to look at but that's about it. BUT, I didn't turn it off! I wouldn't pay to watch this movie but if it was on tv I wouldn't change the channel.

Fantastic Mr. Fox [10]

Yeah, that's right. A fucking TEN. This movie was FANTASTIC. No pun intended. I saw this in the theater and was constantly laughing out loud. I didn't even care that there were other people sitting near me. Definately a must watch, must own type of movie. I love you Wes Anderson. (Except I didn't find Bottle Rocket enjoyable. Poo.)

Mad Men Season 3 [8]

If you haven't seen this show.. what the fuck. It just keeps getting better. The 3rd season was unfuckingbelievable. But I am no longer a fan of Betty Draper. Shame on you Bets! I love Joan and her full figure.

xoxo

Carnivale

It was a mad house in here this morning! In the 2 years that I have worked here there has never been a line of customers waiting for me when I come to open up shop. Today that all changed.

I walked by the store (Videorama) on my way to Safeway to purchase my daily Rockstar and I noticed 2 women standing at the door. I chuckled to myself because of how disappointed they looked that we weren't open yet.. and then thought "what LOSERS." As I slowly walk the two measly blocks back to open up the store I see more people standing infront of the entrance. Se7en to be exact. I open the door, turn on the lights and start cleaning up the Gigantic mess behind the counter (Brian closed last night. Amongst the multiple spilled energy drinks and random pieces of gummy candy all over the floor, I notice that there are movies he decided to not put away. Thanks friend.) Five minutes go by and all of the lost looking customers are still standing in an unorganized line on the sidewalk. SO annoyed at this point. I go outside and ask "Why are you all standing out here? I opened five minutes ago. You guys look weird."

Big mistake. Big BIG mistake. I hadn't realized that I had yet to put all the new releases on the wall so every single one of those customers that I dread on a regular basis came rushing up to the counter freaking out.

"Omg is Mad Men season 3 all out?!" "Blind Side? BLIND SIIIIIDE!!!!"

To make matters worse, another wave of customers come gliding through the entryway just as I'm getting my bearings together. (Come one, come all) Unbelievable! You all really had nothing better to do at NOON on a Tuesday? Not only was I having to run all over the place, trying to locate all the scattered movies that came out for rent today, but my hay fever was acting up. Inbetween my sneezing spell, runny nose, dry cough and puffy eyes I was having to ask customers for their last name and whether they wanted the movie over night or for the full five days. Not my favourite way to spend my afternoon. Not in the least.

Ah, but I digress, I really do. Tomorrow I leave for Californiaaa (here I cooome) and I couldn't be happier.

xoxo

85 Going on 40

Gloria Frandle. FAVOURITE. CUSTOMER. EVER.

She's this little 85 year old woman that comes in and literally picks 4 random movies off of the closest shelf to the front desk. Sometimes she heads for "My Picks" section but I have to remind her that they're all blood and guts movies so then I end up picking out movies for her.

She's got a little hunch back and today she came in talking about how if she could stand up strait she'd look like she was 39. What a doll. Then she reminded me that I needed to get my bangs cut. "They're looking rather long."

The first time I saw her I immediately thought of the Swamp Witch in Big Fish. They could be sisters. Except Gloria wears a lot of pastels, no black. And no eye patch.

xoxo

High Tension

Today I received proof that people actually read this thing! I got a comment that WASN'T from someone I know! And it was a nasty comment! Well.. I guess not nasty,.. the person thought I was really annoying (like David Caruso annoying) and they pretty much think I am a waste of a life. Which is totally fine, because I guess it means I have something in common with someone.

(PERSONALLY, I think the negative commenter is a middle aged fat woman who's bitter because she has yet to find HER g-spot and she's a tad bit sour because I called another lady fat in a previous post. Just my humble opinion.)

I wondered about whether or not I should try to justify my blog and all the negative things I say.. but honestly, I could care less if people don't like what I have to say, what I do or who I am. Just trying to spread my gloomy attitude wherever possible!

xoxo

P.S.
The comment is in the post right below (Swan Princess) if you care to read it

It's Not What It Seems

I haven't been this excited since my ex boyfriend found my g-spot.

Yesterday while shopping I found my all time favorite movie from when I was a kid. THE SWAN PRINCESS!!!! I was almost tempted to buy it on Amazon awhile back for like 69 dollars but decided to hold out. Good motherfucking thing I did yo! Found it at Target for $5!


This is like, Little Mermaid/Beauty & The Beast good. The songs are so fucking catchy. I haven't seen this movie since I was about the wee wee ol' age of 14 and I still remember every single word to every single song. My personal favorite being "Far Longer Than Forever." This song definately hits home.

"Far longer than forever, I'll hold you in my heart. It's almost like you're here with me, although we're far apart. Far longer than forever, I swear that I'll be true. I've made an everlasting vow, to find a way to you."

I'm not going to lie, last night I definately listened to this song over and over again. Where's MY Prince Derek?!?! Oh, that's right.

The.. 'supporting' characters kick a shit load of reptile ass and the movie is just all around greatness. If you have a chance to watch this.. DO IT. 10+!

Alison Wonderland

Yesterday was my birthday. The big DEUCE DEUCE! I went shopping with my little sister (she got me season 2 of 30 Rock, Booyah!!) then we both went and had lunch with my grandma. After the intense wine drinking, my gma and I went to see Alice in Wonderland. (3-D) I initially had no intentions of watching that movie. Too much hype, not really into 3-D, and it just looked like.. too much. But my grandma assured me it was great. So we went.

I was pleasantly surprised! I enjoyed the movie. I wasn't as impressed with Alice (whatever that random girl's real name is. I'll give her props for her gorgeous blonde locks though.) But I thought Johnny Depp's performance was wonderful ;] (And not just because he's Johnny Depp) He's this.. 'mad' hatter but really deep down he's so lovey. I just wanted to hug him and let him cry on my shoulder. The end scene where he says goodbye to Alice reminded me of the end scene in Labyrinth where Sarah's in her room looking in the mirror, talking to Hoggle, Ludo and Didymus and they say "..should you need us, for any reason at all.." I guess The Mad Hatter reminded me, in more ways than one, of Hoggle. (He owns a beat of my heart.)

During the movie I WAS a little confused, I was like.. yo dawg, why isn't she about to drown in her tears? Why isn't she painting all the roses red?! After the movie got out my little sister informed me that it was supposed to be a 'sequel' to the original Disney cartoon movie. Made so much more sense after that. I'd give it a 6.5. That's a recommendation ya'll!

xoxo

Haute Mess

Being drunk at work is better than being sober

Just sayin...

About half an hour after I arrived at work a customer came in with, LITERALLY, a bag full of bottles of scotch. He opened the best one and let my manager and I chug out of it. This put us in the mood. My manager went out to run an 'errand' shortly after and came back empty handed. (Someone had gone with him and he didn't have his id. DENEB!) So then I volunteered. Ran to the liquor store, it's only 2 blocks away. Bless your heart jesus. I asked for the airplane bottles.

Liquor Men: We have Bacardi and Grey Goose

Me: No whiskey?

Liquor Men: Nope

Me: Rum?

Liquor Men: Bacardi IS rum.

Me: Ohhh uhh.. right, yeah, I know I was just.. you know.. yeah sooo 2 Bacardi bottles please. Make that 3.

I run back to work, we down the little suckers and then get all warm and fuzzy inside. RELEASE!

It's come to my attention that this might not be smart to blog about incase someone 'important' reads this and then fires my ass.. but really.. who reads this besides Kelly? (Same goes for my talk about amphetamines)

xoxo

Customer of the Week

Dare I even call this woman a customer? Actually I'm pretty sure she isn't, sooo.. 'crazy person from off the street of the week?'

This happened yesterday and I'm only getting around to posting it today because, surprise! I actually worked all night yesterday. (In between me dog sitting for a customer.. yes, while at work) So I'm just standing around, drinking my coffee, talking to a coworker and some fat woman comes in. The first thing I think is "where did all of her teeth go?" She comes to the counter and asks to use the phone.. I told her that it's actually impossible seeing as the phone doesn't reach far enough. You know what she fucking says to me?!??!?!?! "Well can't you just hold it and dial and then hand the phone to me?" (The CORD reaches her) I roll my eyes at her and I make sure she notices my reaction.

Then she makes me dial a 1-800 number! A 1-800 NUMBER! Unfuckingbelievable. THEN! She says "press zero for me" ...my jaw drops. You know who I find out she's calling, her goddamn motherfucking BANK. She seriously talks to her bank for FIVE minutes. All the while I'm holding the phone in my hands, not able to help any other customers.

Once she gets off the phone she hands it to me and then just walks out the door. Right as she leaves my coworker and I start talking shit about her. Girlfriend needs a reality check. About a half hour later she comes back in and stands in line, she tries to ask to use the phone again but I just walk away and ignore her. Finally she leaves.

Needless to say I had a horrible night at work. And then another customer was copping an attitude with me because I wasn't being nice enough. Well fuck YOU too. I am sick and tired of people not 'liking' my attitude. I'm sorry I'm not gonna be fake and pretend to like you or care about what you have to say all the time. I'm a hateful person. I'm bitter. Get over it. (I promise I never used to be this way. Once upon a time I was a happy person)

After I got off work I went to Safeway, bought apple juice, cheese and asparagus, went home, got extremely stoned and tried to watch Arlington Road. All I remember is some kid with a funky bloody hand. Gonna need to rewatch THAT one.

xoxo

Double Whammy

Being the productive Miranda that I am, yesterday I woke up at 2:30pm. I wish I could blame it on my late night bar festivities, but I go out maybe once a week (Tubesday!) I've self diagnosed myself. Insomnia! God, I romanticize things way too much.

Well, after 15 minutes of being awake I decided I was either going to go back to bed and sleep through my day off or go to the movies. So I got dressed and took the shame train to the Clackamas Town Center. My sister works at the theater there so she lets me in fo frizzle. (Yes I go to the theater by myself. I prefer to actually.) First up on my list was The Crazies.

I'm gonna give it a 5 on the richter scale. My favorite movies are when people go pyscho, show no mercy, eat people and kill everyone and that's what this movie was about so it already had one leg up. Although it was rather slow, it had some pretty frightening scenes. (*I rather enjoyed the funeral parlor scene.) I really liked the cast.. Timothy Olyphant, Mmmmm! But I'll tell you one thing I absolutely did NOT like. The mother fucking ending. What the crap was that?! I hate those types of endings. I call them "The Hills Have Eyes Endings." You know, the I'm gonna have the characters go through all this shit, have them think they survive and then show the audience that they're doomed to die no matter what they do/did. Buuuuullshit!

After that movie ended, I went and hid in the bathroom for like 4 minutes and then snuck into my 2nd movie for the night. Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief. I forgot it was a kids movie, so I was really surprised and annoyed when all these pre-teens started showing up. (I realllllly dislike anyone between the ages of 5 and 20 so this was my worst nightmare.) It was all downhill from there. I was starving, my ass hurt from sitting too long and the movie sucked. They completely butchered the book. Actually, the one thing that pissed me off the most was that the main female character's hair was brown. It's fuckin supposed to be BLONDE! All the book talked about was how beautiful her blonde hair was. Come on man, at least give me that. And Steve Coogan as Hades??!! BOOOOO This movie gets a 2.

I think on Tuesday (my next day off) I'm gonna go for another DIY double feature. And no you can't come.

xoxo

Home is Where the Heart is

Quarter life crisis? I'm definately having one.

My ex boyfriend and I broke up back in November but I am just now getting around to experiencing the breakup phase. The.. "it's actually over, cry myself to sleep every night, I'll never love again" phase. It's pretty bad. I'll even credit it for being the sole reason for my inability to concentrate/work/be social. I don't even enjoy drinking anymore.

So I thought that maybe I should move. Start over. Actually do something with my life. Today my manager and I created a rather large Pro/Con list for moving. If I did leave Portland I would end up living in Pismo Beach, California. (That's where my father's side of the family is from) The PRO side of the list was more prominent.. but I still can't decide. It would mean the end of my blog!

Say It Isn't So! I mean.. I could always get Netflix? Blasphemy!

What do you think ghost blog readers?

Should I leave this..

For this...?

I'm going to Pismo at the end of the month to scope things out, so I'll make my final decision when I get back. When I step off the plane am I going to have that "I'm home" feeling or the "Somebody save me, somebody take me away from this awful place" feeling? That's going to be the determining factor. ....Imagine, me with a tan. I shudder at the thought...

xoxo

It's Friday, I'm in LOVE

Dudley Moore is my new obsession. I've always thought he was fabulous but the other night I watched Arthur and was absolutely blown away. Then last night I had a Dudley Moore marathon. I can't get enough of this man. He was BRILLIANT.

BEST. SENSE OF HUMOR. EVER.

I would do unspeakable things to him.

xoxo

Ya'llz Can Go Fuck Yo Self!

Yesterday I went and saw Cop Out (it was either that or The Crazies.. actually I really wanted to see Percy Jackson and the Longest Movie Title Ever but I was with a friend that I didn't think would enjoy it. He'd never heard of the books! Pshhh)

So many people are giving this movie bad reviews.. and if you're one of them.. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT! I laughed my ass off. So it's no fucking Criterion Collection movie but it did it's intended job. (Make money money, make money monaayyyyy) I work in a videostore (OBVIOUSLY) and I've seen a retarded amount of movies. So many infact that lately I haven't wanted to watch any. I feel like I've seen them all. Nothing makes me laugh anymore, nothing scares me, makes me cry.. Nothing keeps my attention. This did. Nice job Mr. Smith.

One of my favorite scenes was when Tracy Morgan is on a bike chasing down a 'bad guy' while he himself is being chased by a.. pit bull? Anyway, while this is going on he yells something along the lines of "down Cujo dog".. I think I was the only one in the theater that laughed. They referenced a shit ton of movies in this which is one of the main reasons I liked it so much. Unless you're a movie buff, you're not going to 'get' most of the jokes.

Dare I say Kevin Smith can do no wrong? Clerks 2 I didn't see and don't really have an urge to watch it.. but come on people.. Zack and Miri, Jay & Silent Bob, Dogma, Chasing Amy, Mallrats.. and fuck you, I'll admit it... I loved Jersey Girl.

Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about.

xoxo