Videorama's Finest

Either I'm the best prank puller ever or I just think I'm the funniest person alive.

Earlier today my manager was on the phone with a customer and I walked by the computer. I immediately noticed he had been right in the middle of writing an email when he stopped to answer the phone. I didn't even bother to check to see who the email was to, I just wrote the first thing that came to mind. (Cocksucking is my life.) I pressed 'Enter' about 30 times so it would be hidden at the very bottom of the email. His back was turned at the time so he hadn't noticed a thing and I tried my hardest not to laugh. (I'm really funny and just THINK hilarious things so I tend to laugh at myself all the time.)

He Hung up the phone. The time had come, would he notice what I wrote? Would I get away with this brilliant prank? Well kids, the answer to that is YES, yes I did get away with it.

He came over to the computer, wrote one last sentence, scanned over the ENTIRE thing and hit SEND. I didn't know what to think, surely he had seen what I wrote! (No, he didn't) Fifteen seconds after he sent it I asked "Did you really just send that?!" and fell down (literally) laughing. "WHAT DID YOU DOOOO?!" (The look on his face was priceless.) He went back to the sent email and then saw what I had written. We both laughed until we cried. Then he informed me who the email was to; an old gay guy who has had the hots for my manager for over 2 years. HOW PERFECT IS THAT!!! The ONE email I choose to defile and it's to a guy who wants to put his peen in my manager's booty. He quickly wrote him another email saying "Sadly, while cocksucking is not my life, it does happen to be my coworkers (who was the one to write that.) Miranda has now been fired. Sorry to get your hopes up."

We continued to laugh for a good 10 minutes after the whole incident. Clever is me.

xoxo

The "C" Word

It is official. My last day at Videorama will be August 11th 2010. (California here I come!)

Sad. I've been here since April 2008. This is the longest job I've ever had. When I told my manager I was for sure moving the first thing he said was "We have to get hammered at work together before you leave." DONE!

I shall carry on with my legacy and create a new blog after I move. I'll be going to a.. 'specialized' school in October so I have a pretty good idea what my next blog will be about :]

All in due time kids.

(Don't worry, this isn't my final entry.)

xoxo

How High

Am I going to get?..

I just smoked a fatty bowl for the first time.. AT WORK (let's not kid ourselves here, I smoke the pot all the time. Hence the 5lb weight gain.) I drink and down opiates at work (like there's no tomorrow) because well, they make me seem more normal than I would otherwise. I can still function on them. I never ever smoke pot unless I'm alone in bed. Because I CAN'T function on it. I turn into a zombie and zone everyone out. (This isn't going to be good for the customers)

But I've been extremely stressed out because of the move (skoolz for foolz!) so I decided to keep weed and a pipe with me at all times. Today it came in handy. Now instead of being stressed I'm paranoid. Good choice Miranda.

I'll update any interesting "Miranda's high at work" situations throughout the day..

UPDATE: Nothing interesting happened. It was too slow. I think I gave a customer too much money, and mumbled a lot.. and devoured about 69 pounds of food. Good thing I brought beer.

xoxo

The Girl Who Couldn't Grow

A few months ago I wrote that I was thinking about moving to California (ANAL PENETRATION) I decided not to go for 'numerous reasons' and when I say numerous reasons I mean there was only one thing preventing me from moving. And that was the hope of seeing my ex boyfriend one last time when he came to visit. (When will this yearning end? I'm tired of relating to Taylor Swift songs!) Well, he hasn't visited yet. And I doubt he even plans on seeing me when he does so,.. Away We Go..

I talked to my grandmother earlier today and she said she would love for me to move down to California to live with her (I can't bring Kitty though!!) and I would most likely have to enroll in school. We are going to figure out all the major/minor details tomorrow. (HOW am I going to get there?!) Road trip anyone? Gas is on me.

I'm moving because I feel stuck. I'm not growing in Portland and I don't want to be miserable and work for min. wage the rest of my life. My friend said it's a common misconception that 'changing your surroundings' will help you achieve what you think you can and hope to accomplish.. And he says that I'm also running away. Uh doiii! Even I can see that. Yes, yes I am. I am running 862 miles away. And it still feels too close.

Consider this my 1 month notice. My blog will shortly come to an end. But maybe I can start a new one? "Shit My Grandma Says?"

I'll literally be living 3 blocks from these places. How could I resist?


Stay Tuned

UPDATE: I convinced my grandmother to let me take Kitty Meow! And my friend Jesse (AKA Beats Off, [who recently moved down to California] might drive up here just to drive me back down there. Aren't road trips the best?)

xoxo

One Missed Call

Think they'll OBEY?

I even laminated the fucker

Hopefully this sign prevents at least a quarter of the customers from coming up to check out while still literally in the middle of a conversation or answering their phones right in the middle of a transaction.

What do you wanna bet that someone will take this down tomorrow [because I won't be here]? ("Don't want to 'offend' the customers!") Fuck that shit.

UPDATE: Fail. Ten minutes after I put the sign on the counter a woman came up talking obnoxiously loud on her phone. She forced me to ring her up while mid conversation. (Hello phantom $3 late fee.)

PS. How sad is it (on a scale of 1 to My Ex Boyfriend Has a Relatively 'New' Girlfriend) that I really want the Eclipse soundtrack? (Leave me alone, I like the Metric song)

xoxo

Dear Diary,

It's me again.

I just wanted to let all of my concerned/faithful readers know that I've decided to halt production on my second blog. For now.

I don't know what my plan was with that one, but hate fucking comes to mind when trying to describe my writing.

"Jack rabbit sex, you know, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow."

xoxo

Diary of The Dread

A few things that have been irritating the shit out of me lately:

1. Customers farting
2. Customers forgetting their pin number
3. Customers singing along to the radio
4. Customers asking "what's that movie with that actress?"
5. Customers taking a rediculous amount of time figuring out if they want their movies for overnight or 5 days

1. I'm not kidding. People keep farting in my work. And the farts are crazy loud too. Earlier today an old dude farted sooo loud. It sounded like he pooped his pants. I wanted to try and pretend like nothing happened, but I laughed. Out loud. So THAT was awkward. And not too long ago an 84 year old woman farted too. What's up with the old people not being able to hold their farts in?! Pinch your cheeks guys! Wait until you're outside! Not only does it make this 50X50 box smell like dead bodies but it's also awkward for me. Customers probably walk in and think it's me. Not cool.

2. Earlier today I told a woman to enter her pin or "secret code" as my manager likes to call it. Her response: I never ever remember my pin. Uhh, why don't you fucking make one you WILL be able to remember then!? It's FOUR numbers. It's a PIN. The customer right after her hadn't been in to rent a movie in over 2 years and he remembered his pin.

3. There are at least 5 people a day that walk around the store singing along to the radio. What normal person does that? And it's not like these people have good voices, they have terrible voices. What inclines these people to humiliate themselves in public like this!? To me, it's the same as walking around talking to yourself. You look and sound like an idiot. Sometimes when people are singing loud I go over and turn off that radio. That'll show THEM!

4. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Someone will ask me "Hey what's that one movie that came out this year?" or a question similar to that. ("What's the movie with Helen Mirren?" "Do you have any of the Matt Damon movie in?") ARE YOU SERIOUS?! Usually I know the answer because I'm crazy smart and have a miraculous brain but still. The most annoying thing ever. (While I was typing this, a woman with stupid long fingernails came up and asked me "What's that movie with Tina Fey in it?") Sometime's I'll just give the customer the answer they're looking for, but if I'm in a particularly bad mood I'll be mean. Well, maybe not mean but I'll stick it to em. "Do you honestly expect me to answer that? You want me to give you the name of a movie you're looking for with just the actor's name? Yeah because I can read your mind and know what you're talking about. Lucky for YOU, I do know what movie you're talking about. But ONLY because I know your kind and can read you like a poorly written Miley Cyrus autobiography. (Should it still come as a surprise to me that my manager gets non stop complaints about me?)

5. Back in March the 'management' (and I use that word loosely) came up with a plan. (A poorly thought out plan.) $2 for overnight rentals and $4.99 for 5 day rentals. Now I have to ask every single customer if they want their movies for overnight or for 5 days. Sometimes the customer will already know what they want (thank god) but most of them just look at me like I'm speaking Mandarin. They will seriously stand at the counter, while a line is forming behind them, and take 5 minutes deciding what they should do. I usually tell them to take it overnight because most of the time it's cheaper for them (smart thinking Videorama) but they just can't seem to comprehend the words coming out of my mouth. (Today a dimwit made me break out a god damned calculator for him so he could figure out the cheapest way. OHMYfuckingGOD)

On a different note; I just bartered someone's $2 late fee for 2 Red Bulls. I'm that good.

xoxo